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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child's party.. Only invited the children who invited my child (she invited whole class last year)

129 replies

Pullandpush · 01/07/2022 00:26

Due to covid restrictions bring lifted last year around the time of dc1s birthday & he had missed out on so much socially I invited all 31 in his class.. He has recieved 10 invited this year since his bday from his classmates.. Is it acceptable to just invite these 10? He's perfectly happy with this & it suits our budget better..

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 01/07/2022 08:06

Meraas · 01/07/2022 07:57

Or maybe OP just wants to ensure everyone who invited her son to their parties gets an invitation from her son?

There’s nothing wrong with reciprocating an invitation.

Show quote history

OP had a whole class party last year (and states it was just after restrictions lifted so likely not many parties before that). So maybe her DC going to their party was them reciprocating? You don't have to keep reciprocating recriprocations or it will never end ...

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/07/2022 08:06

@Whatafustercluck , you reminded me of decades ago, when a dd insisted on inviting the whole class - she wouldn’t leave anyone out. I still think of the little boy who said, ‘Thank you for inviting me to your party, Helen. Nobody else does.’ 😥
(Not her real name. And of course we were lucky to be in a position to invite them all - I know it’s not usually possible.)

Nietzschethehiker · 01/07/2022 08:08

I'm with most pp. We have a huge mix in both DS classes. Some who throw parties every year, some who throw them some years and others who never throw them. For example I haven't been able to for several years as my Ds were born within 2 weeks of each other 3 years apart. That would have meant a double size party or two smaller ones in a month which after 2 years of jobs issues through covid I couldn't swing (prior to that was covid and we were in lockdown for their birthdays). I would be really pissed off if we weren't invited for that reason.

I help other parents out a lot with pickups and after school teas etc.

I know other parents have been really struggling financially because they have lost hair job. In truth if you did this as a parent in my DS classes you would find a reaction to the pettiness.

By all means have a small party, absolutely nothing wrong with that , if you are keeping score then I'd be querying yourself where your priorities lie. It's really quite sad to have this view.

ZenNudist · 01/07/2022 08:10

Don't keep score. Ask your dc to choose 10 friends. Remind them who asked them to their party and they will probably choose those children anyway.

puddingandsun · 01/07/2022 08:12

Lots of kids don't have parties every year and even more so last year - restrictions only properly lifted after the first term so most of the kids with birthdays autumn/ winter couldn't have proper parties. And then there's the ones born in August, etc.

I agree you shouldn't even keep a score though.
Did you expect him to go to 30 parties in one year?

Phos · 01/07/2022 08:14

It depends on the vibe of the class/school. In our case it is very much the norm to have whole class parties and for siblings to be allowed to attend as well. If I were to have a party and only invite a small number, I think there would be awkwardness at least. If it's not the norm and there is a precedent for only inviting smaller groups/close friends then go for it but don't base it solely on who invited your dc because as many people have said, there could be a good friend who didn't have a party for whatever reason!

MiniHouse · 01/07/2022 08:14

Its Ok not to invite everyone but you should invite those he plays with. If you just invite those who invited to his what about the kids who simply didn't have a party, or had a small family gathering instead. Hopefully you can check who he plays with and add one or two more if needed.

carefullycourageous · 01/07/2022 08:20

YANBU to limit numbers, but YABU to invite only those who invited him as some people can't have parties due to finances or personal circumstances or parental choice and they may be nice kids your child likes a lot.

Sirzy · 01/07/2022 08:27

I am with others, pick and number and invite that many but don’t have previous party invites as your criteria.

some families can’t have parties for whatever reason and it’s not fair to leave children out on the basis they didn’t have a party or had a smaller party and didn’t invite your child.

party invites aren’t some sort of exchange of contracts!

Spritelite · 01/07/2022 08:28

I’m not sure whether I’ll be throwing a party for DD because her birthday is mid August and I think that most people will probably (understandably) flake on us because of that.

I do worry if any parents would decide not to invite her to her friends parties because of that though.

Original poster
Pullandpush · 01/07/2022 08:55

Meraas · 01/07/2022 07:57

Or maybe OP just wants to ensure everyone who invited her son to their parties gets an invitation from her son?

There’s nothing wrong with reciprocating an invitation.

Show quote history

This! Ds plays with all the boys & girls on his list of 10 (venue has set limits on group, climbing wall & the 10 suits me). I wouldn't like to leave a child off the list who has invited ds, I was brought up to believe invites are reciprocated...
Ds has mentioned at least 3 kids during the year who have attended his whole class party last year & haven't invited them, this is fine & weren't on his list of 10 anyhow!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pullandpush · 01/07/2022 08:58

JustLyra · 01/07/2022 07:57

Inviting 10 is absolutely fine as long as that’s not specifically leaving one or two kids out just because they didn’t have a party.

One parent once invited all the girls who’d invited her kid to a party in DS’s year group. Left out the one girl who didn’t have a party because they couldn’t afford it. The kids were pretty oblivious as they were young but the adults all noticed. People judged and it’s still remembered years later.

Sounds like the parents of the uninvited kids were keeping score there... How would they know who attended everyone else's childs party, I wouldn't have a clue what kids went to who's parties only my own... I'd know if ds wasn't invited to one as the kids are only 7 & all discuss their parties!

OP posts:
Daisy03 · 01/07/2022 09:03

I would just invite who he's closest to, up to the number you want and not think about whose parties he's been invited to. I think you're completely overthinking it.
It doesn't matter what size of party you had last year, no one will really care or probably remember

Favouritefruits · 01/07/2022 09:05

Some families can’t afford parties for their children so I’d rather just invite the children my child plays with rather than your suggestion of parties your child has been too.

Original poster
Pullandpush · 01/07/2022 09:10

Favouritefruits · 01/07/2022 09:05

Some families can’t afford parties for their children so I’d rather just invite the children my child plays with rather than your suggestion of parties your child has been too.

I already stated he always plays with the 10 & has asked for them to be part of the 10!

OP posts:
womaninatightspot · 01/07/2022 09:12

Generally I let my kids invite who they like up to a certain number. If they go to a party it’s good form to return the invite. My twins have a challenging relationship with a girl from their class and said they didn’t want to invite her. I asked if they wanted to go her next party having been to the last one. The answer was yes so she came to ours.

Ithink perhaps your wording is off but ten is fine.

Triffid1 · 01/07/2022 09:14

YABU to have kept track - lots of children don't even have parties. Poor DS - his 2 best friends throughout primary school almost never had parties because their families didn't have a lot of money and/or were a bit chaotic. If I had refused to invite them to his parties as a result, DS is the only person who would have suffered.

There's absolutely no reason why you have to invite the whole class. The only no-no is to invite say 27 out of 30. That's mean! Grin

Sally872 · 01/07/2022 09:15

Invite his 10 friends because they are his 10 close friends and not leaving anyone out. (Eg inviting 10 of the 11 boys in the class).

Do not invite them because your child has been to their party. That is irrelevant. You are lucky enough to afford a whole class party last year and a celebration this year. It shouldnt matter who invited who to previous parties.

RagingWoke · 01/07/2022 09:24

The move to smaller parties as they get older is very welcomed. I'm happy to be over the big party age, DD is having 6 friends this year and it's so much less stressful than a whole class party. Also means she gets fewer invites so I don't have to go to the tortuous events 😬

YANBU, just invite his friends. Don't worry about getting invites back. It's child friendship politics and adults are best out of it for the most part.

DisappearingGirl · 01/07/2022 09:32

Just wanted to add an extra informal "rule" that I think is a good one:


  • All the class or less than half

  • All the boys (or girls) or less than half - or at least, try not to invite all except 1/2/3 (unless they have been mean to your kid or something)

DisappearingGirl · 01/07/2022 09:32

Ah the posters above me have made the same point about not leaving out just a few of the class or a few of the boys/girls!

Original poster
Pullandpush · 01/07/2022 09:35

Yes 31 in class & he's inviting 10 so a third, mix of boys & girls.. He also does activities with some of these kids, playdates & 2 also neighbours...

OP posts:
Riverlee · 01/07/2022 09:37

Yes it’s fine to have a smaller party.

Applegreenb · 01/07/2022 09:41

I have no idea whose party we have been too or who was invited to DCs. I think your are spending too much time thinking about this.
Invite who ever you want.

PeekAtYou · 01/07/2022 09:43

Smaller parties are fine but are you confident that there's no friends who didn't do a party because of a reason like health of a family member, money or new baby?

Have you also remembered to include people who issued an invite but you had to decline?

Is he actually friends with everyone who you plan to invite and are they friends with each other ? You don't want an awkward situation where one of the kids never plays with the other 9.