AIBU to feel so embarrassed about having no friends?

[Buttercup800]

I have no friends and haven’t had any since I was a teenager, I’m now in my late twenties. When I say no friends I really mean it, not a single person to talk to, I know some will find this hard to believe but I don’t have a single contact in my phone apart from the doctors surgery, council and hair salon.

I’m a nice person, friendly, would help out anyone, good listener but people don’t seem to want to be friends with me. I know it all sounds so pathetic because I’m an adult but I’m lonely.

I have signed up to friend apps but nobody messaged me and the people I sent messages to either ignored them or sent one word replies, I went to college but never made friends, I was friendly with the people in my class but they weren’t interested in being friends outside of college, I have looked at local groups I could maybe attend but unfortunately there is nothing in my area, I have volunteered to try and meet people but friendship never came from it.

The only time I get to speak to someone is if the employee at the shop tills engages in small talk or when I go and get my hair done and the hairdresser chats with me. I spend all my time alone , mostly stay indoors now as I have nowhere to go.

Does anyone else not have a single friend? How do people make friends in adulthood?

sigh it’s hard as an adult. Not only do you need to find people with whom you have something in common and actually like you, but also who have space in their lives for a friend like you just now. I can’t be friends with most school mums, cos I’m a lone parent and stuck in in the evenings. Fortunately, I have a couple of awesome mum friends who come to me, otherwise all my friends would be people over 65, cos they’re free in the day! It took a long time to find them, though. Moving house was great - my NDN is a proper social secretary, and rallies round to keep us all in touch.

The usual advice is to join a club, which has always struck me as ridiculous. I mean, what club? Brownies?!! I’d suggest volunteering. There’s nothing like a common goal to build relationships (except a common enemy, but that might be less fun) and being busy and a regular gig can get you over the initial awkward bit between small talk and good friends. I see you mentioned health issues, but there’s lots of roles for volunteers and something, somewhere will fit you.

Me too and happy to meet up for a cuppa and chat if you want to although I'm in my forties so older than you

It’s great you’ve started college

I have found that general meet up groups are hard (no I’m sure apps are the same) it’s the luck of the draw if you quickly connect with someone and if you don’t its off putting, so I would

• Join something that interests you - perhaps crafting related? Try a few different groups which look promising for people, but the point is because you are interested in the topic, it’s much easier to stick at it, and when you spot someone you like, you’ll have something to talk about
• Volunteer to do something sociable. I know it must sound naff but it draws you out of yourself and is good for social skills. You will have. A Local volunteer bureau, try a few things
• If walking appeals join a walking club
• if you like reading join a local book club
• if Meditation appeals join a meditation centre, people that go to these things are often open and accepting (just make sure it isn’t a cult 😬)
• join some kind of club at college if you can

be patient, it really does take time, but by joining groups and developing interests you are building yourself a social life before you have friends. This will help build your confidence.

Don’t bother with people who have loads of friends, they don’t have gaps. Focus on people who look like they have space.

accept it will be hard and uncomfortable. Building a social life is like dating or building a career, you’d be much more comfortable on the sofa, but that didn’t get you anywhere.

A dog can be great but it’s a massive tie so check you are up for that.

Me too feel free to pm me

I’m in a similar position, OP, even down to being late 20s and in Scotland, although I’m in the south east. I’ve had friends in the past but have drifted apart over the years. Working from home certainly hadn’t helped. I started a new job last year but the team is based all over the UK and I’ve never met most of them in person. It’s hard.

I'm pretty much in the same position as you, all my school friends headed off to Uni and never returned so we've drifted apart over the last 25 year and I have no one to call on now.

You mentioned crafting, are there any craft groups near you, just thinking our local Yarn shop (South Scotland) has evening meet ups if you're into knitting, crochet or sewing etc.

The usual advice is to join a club, which has always struck me as ridiculous. I mean, what club? Brownies?!!

There are lots of clubs out there. Book clubs, writing/art groups, cultural associations, meetups. I was part of a writing group over 5 years ago and the whatsapp group is still active.

I used to have lots of friends as a child, teenager and in my 20s. In my 30s now and only got a couple of friends now. I'm also central Scotland, feel free to send me a message.

Sorry you're feeling lonely. Lots of good advice already though. Join whatever club/group/society/sports team there is locally that interests you and stick with it for a few weeks and you'll soon have a group of acquaintances at least, if not friends. Maybe take up some evening bar job if there's a pub or club nearby? I've seen that work for a few who've moved to our village over the years. Or go to a local bar/restaurant/cafe regularly at the same time each week and you'll start to recognise other regulars. Whatever you do, don't give up. Loneliness shouldn't be a life sentence, especially at your age.

Hey OP, to send DMs to some of these lovely Mumsnetters near you, click on your profile icon (little blue head and shoulders symbol), then go to private messages. In there you can click on the new message icon. Just put the relevant poster’s name in the ‘to’ box and off you go

Please don't feel embarrassed I'm 48 and have no friends Ive lived in my flat now for two years I live in a tiny village and I don't talk to anyone I'm always on my own in the flat I do have twins (11yrs) and I love them with all my heart but it's not the same as having a friend my neighbours hate me they go out of their way to cause arguments with me. So I just stay indoors all day with the curtains closed and cry I hate it. I posted on here for the first time earlier and got some links to a few organisations which I'm going to look into.

Hobbies - join crafting groups etc
Work - even a little part time job?
Volunteering
Politics - could you be a town councillor, join a political party of your interest etc?
Games or sports- there are fan clubs as well as teams, board game clubs etc

The key with any of these things is to stick at it for a while and allow acquaintances to develop into friendships over time through shared experiences.

It can take a few months or even a year or more to bond with a colleague or fellow volunteer etc, but a girl i know who struggled like you was forever trying something but only going along 3 or 4 times then giving up when it didnt immediately bear fruit.

Oh my love. No need to be embarrassed. I think many people feel this. More than care to admit. I second trying your neighbours. I'm on May leave and can go days without speaking to anyone. I found being brave and reaching out to my neighbours really helps.

I'm a bit of an odd ball but please do message me for a chat if you would like ❤️

Some great suggestions on here. Can I suggest signing up to a volunteer dog walkers group? I belong to The Cinnamon Trust who provide dog walkers for people who mainly due to illness aren't able to walk their dogs anymore. Also get in touch with a few animal charities and see if they need any voluntary help. I'd also definitely second walking groups

Hi OP. Just wanted to say that in your posts you sound extremely likeable and friendly. I don’t know whether your local church would be a place of interest. If it would, do go along as you’re likely to meet a lot of people who would be open to friendship. If you’re nervous you can email the vicar first and he or she will probably be able to give you a steer as to meeting people.

if church is not for you, I very much second the dog idea. Both a friend in itself and a great way to meet new people.

Earlier in the thread you said you were unable to work because of a health issue and I wondered if there were any support groups you could plug in to and meet people that way. For example, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes a while back, joined an on line forum, had some nice chats and have now met up with two people. Might be worth a go?

Where abouts in country are you OP? I am sure someone on MN will be close to you and can recommend a group or activity you could join. I don't have many friends. A couple of old school friends o can ring any time and I meet up with 2 or 3 times a year except during lockdown. A friend but she is always so busy as has 4 children and works full time. I have several acquaintances like ex colleagues who I might bump into in town and go for coffee with. My son works with a girl who is quite shy. He found out she rides her bike to work 6 miles even when it is pouring in rain or icy. He offers her a lift to work if raining as he is driving in anyway and he says he thinks she has no family in this country at all and no friends either. She says everyday she goes back to her room and is alone and does not like to go to cinema or out socially alone. I know my son invited her out with a group of his friends but she declined as she is shy. He said he might try to organise a work evening out because he thinks she might go then.

If you like dogs why not advertise to walk a dog. You could offer to dog walk for an elderly person or a person with mobility issues. It is strange but when you are out with a dog other dog walkers chat to you. You start to see the same people out at the same time and over time you could walk dog together.

It'll get better.

I'd love an outside the family friend.
I have 3 Dsis which might seem lucky on a good day but there isn't the respect for others which you would have with a real friend over a family member.

Just back from a night out with Dsis's it's painful.

I have been feeling down about the friends thing today too. I am just starting to try and meet people in the new city we moved to just before lockdown.

I would say that from my previous experience of making friends in a new city it does take time. You just have to keep doing things and hope you eventually meet a few like minded people. I set up and ran a playgroup that time. It took months of showing up to the park by myself but it was successful in the end. I went to one activity that generated two friends and quite a few that produced none.

This time round I have just signed up for a big volunteer commitment. Volunteer work is often a good way to get to know like minded people.

I think I may have forgotten how to talk to people though. Today I met with someone off an app and she was very nice but it was so awkward, I stayed a little under an hour and was exhausted by the end.

i remember my late twenties being one of the loneliest times. I moved towns and struggled to meet new friends.

its a time when people don’t have huge life changes ( like college/uni/new family) and can be quite lazy about making new friends.

it does get better though.

on reflection, I don’t think I was patient enough. I used to give up on hobbies / groups right away if I didn’t make friends immediately, but I’ve found that by doing things I really enjoy, friendships just happen.

you sound lovely. Am sure you’ll meet friends soon.

also- get a dog!!

What a lovely son you've raised there @caringcarer .
You must be very proud of him.

@Buttercup800 also central Scotland here, and in the same boat with friends.

I've realised I'm just so awkward in social situations that I just don't know what to say and often try too hard to get people to like me and often people just don't like me for whatever reason.

My inbox is open if you want a friendly ear or just a natter

I struggle to make friends and have found it hard thst sometimes that people move on whe the situation changes. So I made friends at playgroup but when they went back to work the friendship tapered off. I joined a meditation group and made some lovely supportive friends there. I would try-
Walking group
WI
Choir
Meet up
Volunteer for a charity
Book group