Young guys don't want to date a mum?

[Mumofbirds]

Ive just turned 25 and my relationship with dp isn't looking good. We was meant to be married next year. Now that things aren't looking too good it's got me thinking about the potential future that lies ahead of me. I have been so wrapped up and devoted into my family and bubble that I have been sheltered from what life is actually like for single people my age. Whilst all my friends were out clubbing I was busy giving birth and being a mum. Whilst they chased their careers I gave up mine to be a mum. So you get the gist as to why the thought of dating seems entirely overwhelming to me. Yes I know it should be the last thing on my mind and it would be as dc will always come first. But I'm so young and I dont want it entirely off the table. I have experienced such horrible things with dp and am hoping that I will finally prove to myself nice guys exist by finding one eventually But.....

All the guys that my gfs are dating (or have dated) all sound incredibly immature. I am shocked at how they still all seem so incompetent with relationships at 25 onwards. Most of my dealings with guys before dp was they never wanted commitment and always sex. It really breaks my heart to think this is what i could be potentially experiencing again. As a person I feel like I've had to do so much growing up that going through petty guys would be ten steps back for me.

Also there is the major thing of who the Heck would want me? It feels to unfair that as a guy dp will most likely find a partner with no trouble as women are generally alot more understanding of a child and most the time if anything it gives the guy brownie points in the girls eyes (finding a man that is a good father as an attractive trait to have). Where as for me as a woman? The complete opposite. I have alot of guy friends and they all repel and freak at the thought of being a father and that is to their own child let alone mine. Why would any guy want to take me on and my child. What guy would find me, who never has time to look after herself (hair makeup ect) attractive.

My self esteem has really taken a hit from all this. I have a big ugly c section scarr which I doubt many guys my age even have seen in their life. Yes if that turns them off then screw them but that's not the point. At this point I'm scared that dp would find someone, she would become a second mum to my dc. They will give dc the sibling I should of given dc (we was going to ttc again) and I will be left alone and sad.

I know it seems quite extreme but this is just how I see my life playing out. Its making me just want to stay with dp and put up with the crap. At least I can have another child and get married. Being hurt seems like a small price to pay for the guarantee of that.

Any young single mums with comforting experience pls? Otherwise I'm obviously not unreasonable and the dating pool for young mums is destined for failure!

I was 22 when my relationship broke down. I had a kid, a wedding to cancel and a massive house I needed rid of. It was a nightmare.

met my partner I’ve been with Over ten years before I was 23. He supported me through it all and we have a thriving family now with three children.

people on mn will have you believe you need to concentrate on your kid til he’s 18 but it’s just not the real world. There are decent men out there!

Are you still with your dp? Surely you need to get out of that relationship before moving on?

You can and will find someone. I had 4 dc and although dating wasn’t something that I was thinking about I met a lovely man and later we married. He’s a great husband and stepdad.

I mean, do concentrate on your child! Hah. But also you are allowed a life and you are allowed to bring someone else into his life! (Just obviously being sensible about it)

I know it seems quite extreme but this is just how I see my life playing out. Its making me just want to stay with dp and put up with the crap. At least I can have another child and get married. Being hurt seems like a small price to pay for the guarantee of that.

To state the bloody obvious: don't have another child with a man you don't even like.

@TabithaTittlemouse i am but it's hanging just by a thread.

I'm not looking to move on but looking at what moving on would look like if that makes sense!

And so far it looks bleak and dreary. Alot of the guys my age I have on social media still think its "cool" to make videos of themselves smoking a blunt for goodness sake! Or they do drugs or drink alot/go to raves all the time. It feels pretty hopeless that I would meet someone at 25 who would understand my struggles that comes along with being a mum, be good with my child and settled in their life and willing to accept this all with open arms

I think your main focus OP needs to be adjusting to life as a single parent, and developing your career.

Whether or not your dp finds someone I think it could be harmful into rushing into a new relationship. Take some time to find your feet, and focus on your and your DC.

A relationship will come in time, you’re still young so what’s the rush, especially if you will be fresh out of a long term serious relationship.

There are different things to consider and put in place when you become a single parent. First is a roof and a job and once things have settled down and you are happy in your new life you start searching for a partner.

There are a lot of wonderful men out there, you just need to be as wonderful as them and no, having a kid is NOT a problem provided you put your child first. Plenty of those wonderful men may be parents themselves.

@SleeplessInEngland i know it is obvious but giving my child and full sibling means alot to me. And i really want to have another child. I guess what I'm saying is these things mean more to me than being happy in a relationship

You absolutely can find someone else, I managed to, younger than you are. I'm think I got lucky with my partner, but you can do it. We have had another child since, living as a family of 4.

Maybe go for someone a few years older. I know exactly how you feel about men our age, it's daunting to think about going back to that.

And I'm sure you look just fine, good luck going forward

I have considered kick starting my career and I would go into studying again. That side of life seems alot more certain than the dating side of things so I only made a thread of that part.

Thing is at 25 alot of these guys arent "men". They still act and seem like boys. I just don't see how I'm meant to ever find anyone when the dust settles

Don’t let your hormones run your life. Life is difficult enough with one child when you are on your own adding another kid when your relationship is so bad is just making the future far more complicated.

What is your relationship like now? What do you mean by “horrible things?”

It sounds like you want to breakup and that’s OK. It won’t be easy but it doesn’t mean it will be terrible either. Do you think it might be better to focus on your self esteem instead of worrying about repartnering? If you don’t feel great about yourself chances are you won’t meet the right person for you because you will possibly just repeat mistakes… speaking from experience

@Gorgeoux precisely that you took the words out of mouth!

Daunting is a perfect word for even thinking about dating guys my age let alone actually doing it. I'm just in a whole different place in life as them and can't see that ever aligning up or them willing to take on me and a kid which would force them to grow up or at the very least put them majorly out of their comfort zone.

I did consider that an older man may be my only choice here which I guess I wouldn't be opposed to I just assumed they will most likely come with their own kids and I'm definitely not ready to take on the responsibility of a blended family.

You need to get yourself out, and then settled, with a home and a job, and then get yourself happy with yourself and your life. That might take a few years.

You'll have time when DC is with their dad, then can do things for yourself.

You don't need to date 25 year old idiots you know. You just need to look after yourself, be comfortable and confident with yourself, meet people who are like-minded (men and women), and enjoy being in other people's company.

I think first thing first is determining whether you want to break up with your current partner, if you do, prioritise the practical and emotional elements of that first, of course it will take time but you will likely feel more positive and confident within yourself after some time to reevaluate and heal.

I really wouldn't worry at this stage of meeting someone else at the moment, there are millions of men out there and many decent ones who would seriously not judge you physically or for having a dc. You may even meet someone who has their own child, and already have something in common! It's not unusual at all for women to meet their dp/husbands after already having children. Not all men are immature, but if you are finding this you may want to slightly increase the age of men you would consider dating?

OP, and I genuinely mean this kindly, there’s really no mileage in complaining about the immaturity of guys your age when you actually sound pretty juvenile yourself — all your priorities are way off. Don’t even consider having another child in a bad relationship. You sound as if you think it’s a sign of your love for your child to give him or her a sibling, when this is deluded in your circumstances. A bad relationship doesn’t just impact on your own happiness but on your child or children’s. You also sound as if you think parenthood and work are incompatible — they aren’t, and managing the two with one child is easier than with two. Get yourself back to work or study immediately, as you consider your options for the future. Whether or not your partner bags himself a new girlfriend easily if you split, or what potential boyfriends would think of your CS scar should not factor into your decision.

I feel your generalising all 25yr old males as not men and immature. It's about choice some don't mind dating single moms and others do. they might have other goals and it wouldn't fit in their life plan just as much for others it would.

same is true with women dating single dads is true not all women want to be step mums or want to focus on different life paths and that's completely ok

doesn't make them immature everyone has different life plans.

I agree with PP that the perspective needs to be shifted here OP. The happiness of your potential 2nd child needs to come before your fullfilment /happiness and desire to 'give' a sibling to your existing child. Why do you want to bring another child in the family unit which doesn't work. Also, don't think like 'who will want me with open arms' but what you can do to become a confident single parent first then look for relationship as / when you are ready.

I can see why you’re thinking ahead to what your future would look like single but the absolute best thing you could do would be take a good chunk of time to recover from this bad relationship, work on your own independence and self esteemed before even considering dating. Otherwise you will just rush into another bad relationship and repeat the cycle.

However, I would also say that perhaps it’s the people you’re surrounding yourself with. How you describe your make friends is not what I recognise from people I know. I’m a few years older but met my DH at 24 (he was 26) and he and my other male friends were professionals starting out good careers, yes having fun and going out etc but not drugs, posting childish videos to social media etc. I would never have been friends with knobish little boys like you describe. So rather than just dating maybe look at expanding your social circle more generally and finding people who are more like minded.

And don’t worry about partners of your future ex. If he’s so awful he’s hurting you, he’s very unlikely to create a happy functional family unit with someone else, he will just go on to find someone else to treat like crap until they get fed up and leave too.

Concentrate on here and now and sorting out your situation for yourself and your child and stop worrying about dating. There are plenty of
good and mature men out there for when you’re ready but you won’t meet or attract them if you’re damaged and not recovered from a bad relationship, a bit desperate or looking for someone to provide security that you aren’t providing yourself. Concentrate on yourself and you will be more likely to start seeing those sorts of men because they will be drawn to an equally mature and together woman.

Oh and don’t have another baby. Your relationship will fail anyway and then you’ll be a single mum of two which will be infinitely harder, including being harder to meet someone better.

You do know that you don't need to be in a relationship. You sound quite immature to be honest. You are still with your DP but wondering and thinking about other young men finding you attractive.

Concentrate on yourself and children. Go back to work,earn your own money,leave DP if you are not happy. Set a good example for your children.

I work with a lot of men who are much younger than me - about 22 to 30. I must say, obviously I don’t date them! but they seem like very pleasant, respectful people who take their jobs seriously and are always nice and polite to me. And my DDs’ 23 and 19 year old boyfriends and their male friends ditto. No getting drunk every night and no sign of a sext. So hopefully the ages of the men you hope to meet won’t automatically mean that they are all immature.

I wouldn't be fretting about this. you're very young. If you do end up single just take some time out for you first. Hopefully by the time you're ready to date again these guys will have matured! Or you could go for an older man. Of course someone would want you. I have many friends who were single mums and met lovely men.

Sorry for the tough love but this is very stupid reasoning. Don't be an idiot.

In the meantime, if you do break up then don't worry about relationships, worry about a career. You're still young and have options. Worry about a relationship later.

I think it would be a really bad idea to have another kid with your current partner. Why on earth would you deliberately bring a child into a bad relationship. You should concentrate on your existing child and getting a proper career.
If you are worried about attracting another guy then having a career would help a lot.