Young guys don't want to date a mum?

[Mumofbirds]

Ive just turned 25 and my relationship with dp isn't looking good. We was meant to be married next year. Now that things aren't looking too good it's got me thinking about the potential future that lies ahead of me. I have been so wrapped up and devoted into my family and bubble that I have been sheltered from what life is actually like for single people my age. Whilst all my friends were out clubbing I was busy giving birth and being a mum. Whilst they chased their careers I gave up mine to be a mum. So you get the gist as to why the thought of dating seems entirely overwhelming to me. Yes I know it should be the last thing on my mind and it would be as dc will always come first. But I'm so young and I dont want it entirely off the table. I have experienced such horrible things with dp and am hoping that I will finally prove to myself nice guys exist by finding one eventually But.....

All the guys that my gfs are dating (or have dated) all sound incredibly immature. I am shocked at how they still all seem so incompetent with relationships at 25 onwards. Most of my dealings with guys before dp was they never wanted commitment and always sex. It really breaks my heart to think this is what i could be potentially experiencing again. As a person I feel like I've had to do so much growing up that going through petty guys would be ten steps back for me.

Also there is the major thing of who the Heck would want me? It feels to unfair that as a guy dp will most likely find a partner with no trouble as women are generally alot more understanding of a child and most the time if anything it gives the guy brownie points in the girls eyes (finding a man that is a good father as an attractive trait to have). Where as for me as a woman? The complete opposite. I have alot of guy friends and they all repel and freak at the thought of being a father and that is to their own child let alone mine. Why would any guy want to take me on and my child. What guy would find me, who never has time to look after herself (hair makeup ect) attractive.

My self esteem has really taken a hit from all this. I have a big ugly c section scarr which I doubt many guys my age even have seen in their life. Yes if that turns them off then screw them but that's not the point. At this point I'm scared that dp would find someone, she would become a second mum to my dc. They will give dc the sibling I should of given dc (we was going to ttc again) and I will be left alone and sad.

I know it seems quite extreme but this is just how I see my life playing out. Its making me just want to stay with dp and put up with the crap. At least I can have another child and get married. Being hurt seems like a small price to pay for the guarantee of that.

Any young single mums with comforting experience pls? Otherwise I'm obviously not unreasonable and the dating pool for young mums is destined for failure!

I do have a good outcome finding a partner as a single mum but it's not worth mentioning. This is about you. I'll tell you what a man will look for in a partner: someone confident, knows themselves, a good parent, a together person, happy, got themselves sorted, will add to their life.

If you can be these things and benefit yourself and then get out there and show this fully formed person to men then you are likely to find someone. A child will not automatically put someone off. This has never been the case.

What will put them off is lack of confidence and being unsure of yourself or lacking self-esteem (things that will also be a detriment to your life)

So basically get yourself together and be confident. Your child is a blessing and any man who does not see that can get lost.

Also next time ensure you discuss the future together and want the same things before you settle down. Determining that you want the same future should not be an afterthought.

Also there is the major thing of who the Heck would want me? It feels to unfair that as a guy dp will most likely find a partner with no trouble as women are generally alot more understanding of a child and most the time if anything it gives the guy brownie points in the girls eyes (finding a man that is a good father as an attractive trait to have). Where as for me as a woman? The complete opposite. I have alot of guy friends and they all repel and freak at the thought of being a father and that is to their own child let alone mine. Why would any guy want to take me on and my child. What guy would find me, who never has time to look after herself (hair makeup ect) attractive.

I know it isn't really the point but I just wanted to say that as a step mum, this REALLY isn't the case. Dating someone with kids is always a compromise, not a bonus, whether they're male or female. Personally I would be thinking that you might be best off with someone in a similar position who also has kids.

I also agree with comments others have made about your confidence. If you do separate, focus on finding yourself again as an individual, and you will find you have more to offer.

Having flings will be easy - you go out when your child is with their dad, and have a compartmentalised life where mum-life and dating-life don’t merge. If you aren’t involving your child, you can date whoever you want. Adventurous types, eternal bachelors, whatever. You’re just looking to have some fun, rediscover you and rediscover life.

When you’re looking to settle down and have a more long-term relationship, the guys who are posting drug use on social media obviously won’t be the pool of men you look in. But not all 25 year olds do this. And you can date men who aren’t your age too. Some are already parents, some are not immature and lead responsible lives. I think you’re overthinking this, but based on a very narrow example of the type of man you come into contact with.

Totally agree though, the critical thing after a separation is figuring out your own life, for you and your child, and relationships are a secondary concern. However, you absolutely will find someone.

Sorry but that's a bit crazy. You are considering having a child with someone who is going to leave you, so that you can be left with 2 children on your own? your relationship is dead, so the sooner you accept that, the better. After you've been on your own as a single mum for a while, you will find your routine. Depending on how involved the father is, you will have time to go out and meet someone else in your own time.

Yes, most men your age are very young, but so are most women. I was still half way through university at your age. If you are looking for a man as mature as you are, you might meet someone slightly older, but for the moment, you should really focus on sorting out your life as it is now

Frolo is a friendship and most recently dating app for single parents.

There is nothing immature about the men OP. Dating a mum is not a problem to a lot of men if you are financially independent and capable of providing for your child (who you chose to bring into this world). It’s astonishing how entitled you feel! Why should anyone take on the financial responsibility !? Would you date a single SAH dad?

Well with words like ‘repel and freak’ she certainly sounded like a teenager.

I guess it depends on how you look at it. I’d just think that someone who wanted kids so much would focus on building a life for them. And ironically the OP’s whole post is complaints about a specific segment of men writing her off. But she herself has written off a whole other segment of men.

I think you have a strange view of life. It’s not the fact that you are a single Mother that would put men off.

By your own admission you have no career yet alone a job and are now living back with your parents which means if any relationship was to progress you would be expecting them to provide a roof over your child and your heads. Instead of staying in your current relationship and forging a career, you want to have another child ?

It sounds like you cannot provide for yourself and your child and that’s really what you should be focussing on before jumping into another relationship. You need to get a bit more real with yourself.

I think a lot of blokes would see your attitude as a huge red flag, even though I don't think you're actually full of bad intent.

Some of you are quite naïve, ive been told by men that ive had my chance at a family and fucked it, I shouldn’t be a slag in front of my children and have men in the house.
Ive also been told that my son can stay until he’s 18 but then its “our family” he’s not welcome in the house. This is my house btw 🤣🤣

Why the bloody hell are you so focused on finding another man, when you’re still in the horrible relationship with this one? You have children and no career yet, focus on them and you. You don’t need a man to be happy.

You have taken the first steps and left a bad RL .Why not take a step back and relax with your parents for a while .Have a look for a job or training course .Your current RL sounds like its over .Try to have meals with friends Play with DC .Any RL you have been in for a while will seem daunting when you come out .You need to heal and look maybe in a while .Of course nice men will want to date you.Anyone "put off" by a scar wont be worth having anyway!

I feel for you OP. I'm actually pregnant with my second while knowing my relationship isn't going to last, but I'm in a different situation - I'm 34, so time not on my side to meet someone else and have more, I'm financially stable and own my own property (not with DP) and my career is established. I also know DP is a great dad and a decent person, who I'll be able to coparent with amicably. We don't argue; it's just not quite right.

End your relationship, have some time to yourself, then look to meet someone else. Don't date immature dickheads of any age, 25 or 35. You'll find someone - you have time

I've actually already taken steps and moved out of our house back to family and got onto uc so I can provide for my dc whilst I start to look for a job. So please dont belittle based of nothing.

Have just RTFU. You need to get a job and stop obsessing over men and non-existent relationships. Give yourself more options in life.

Idk, my sister had a baby a few months ago (single) and she's been asked out plenty. She's currently dating a business owner (he seems normal so far).

As someone that had to get a divorce at the age of 30, I understand how daunting it is. I recommend you focus on yourself, , your career, your self esteem and only then attempt dating an attempt dating. You are actually still very young, you don't need to think about Dating and another serious relationship just yet. Trying to start dating so soon would be a big mistake and you will end up getting into a relationship with the wrong guy. Good luck!

This. You've explained how your friends have progressed while you were busy being a mum, so why are you still so focused on the next man? Focus on your kids, sort a career/studies out, prioritize yourself first before worrying about who to date first. You are so young, you have alot of time to turn things around.

Some of you are quite naïve, ive been told by men that ive had my chance at a family and fucked it, I shouldn’t be a slag in front of my children and have men in the house.
Ive also been told that my son can stay until he’s 18 but then its “our family” he’s not welcome in the house.

well, I think you are hanging out with the wrong sort of men. I would not spend more than 10 seconds talking to someone with such a retro attitude

How about you focus on your kid first
And then... you can have a lifetime of one night stands if youd like and maybe when you are a bit older man wont mind you having a kid? Like i would have run faarrrrrr away if I met a 25 yo guy who had a kid (when i was that same age). Which is fair i think. Your 20s are for having fun. But you can still have that.

And dont you dare have another kid with your current partner!!!!!!

I certainly was not hanging out with these people but those of the messages I’ve received an online dating sites. Quite an eye-opener.

Well if you broke up tomorrow presumably you wouldn't Jump straight into a new relationship? And when you are ready you might do some casual dating before settling down. So you will be closer to 27. And then you might be dating men who are a bit older, early thirties perhaps. Men at that age absolutely should be mature enough. Another thing to consider: would you take on a man with kids?

I don't think you are doing anything wrong by considering these options. Women with children need to be pragmatic. I would sort the job thing out first. Once you split you won't be able to move so easily or find the time to advance your career. Get yourself sorted then ask what you really want. If it's a family with the father of your child really work on it. If you're willing to take the blended family in exchange for not being with him (and perhaps finding love elsewhere) you should split up.

I’ve read all your comments and just to focus on one thing- not all men your age are immature. I know a few young men through a hobby I do, aged in their early to mid 20s (lots of other ages too but that’s irrelevant for the point I’m making) and they are very mature, polite, hard working, all except one have good jobs and earn well, the other focused on education instead and is now looking for a good job. Half of them are in serious relationships already, living together and definitely not out getting drunk every night or doing drugs. I’d say all of them would be good relationship material (not for me, I’m old!), I’m not saying whether or not they would date a single mum but I can’t see why not. In fact one told me he doesn’t care if he meets a woman with or without kids, he’s 26. There are lots of men of all ages out there who are probably far better than your current partner! Good luck x

I became a single mother without warning when I was just a few years older than you, OP. It took me two or three years to get to the point where I was content in my new life as a single parent, raising my children but also being able to have my own life and interests outside them. It was then that my now husband came into my life. I wouldn't have been ready for a relationship before that - not a long lasting relationship based on more than just sex that is. He didn't have any children of his own and happily accepted us as the package that we were. He is a few years older than me, so that while I was in my early 30's at the time, he was in his late 30's.

OP, you need to concentrate on yourself and your child. Figure out if your current relationship is really over, which it sounds like it should be, and if so, make a life for you and your child. You will be a lot more attractive prospect when you are a confident woman who can take care of herself and her child, who doesn't need a man in her life.

I can definitely understand just wanting some male company - believe me, I was celibate for years, so I totally get that! In your case you'll have time without your child, when he/she is with their dad, so there's no reason you can't have casual relationships during that time Just don't think about them being potential future husbands.

You don't have to date another 25 year old... you could date someone 28, 30, 35...

OP if you’re still reading this, I get what you mean.

I just turned 23 in April and had my second child two days after my birthday. I’m no longer with the kids dad for SO many reasons which I can’t even begin to get into.

Even though I have no energy to date or be in a relationship. I do often think ‘who’s going to be with me when I have two kids?’ I’m sure there’s men out there that’ll be happy to settle with you even though you have a child however it’s difficult to think about.

A lot of men our age just act like boys lol. No responsibility, no nothing. So I get why you’re thinking who will you be with etc. There’s always older men who don’t already have kids so I don’t think it’s the end of the world!