Young guys don't want to date a mum?

[Mumofbirds]

Ive just turned 25 and my relationship with dp isn't looking good. We was meant to be married next year. Now that things aren't looking too good it's got me thinking about the potential future that lies ahead of me. I have been so wrapped up and devoted into my family and bubble that I have been sheltered from what life is actually like for single people my age. Whilst all my friends were out clubbing I was busy giving birth and being a mum. Whilst they chased their careers I gave up mine to be a mum. So you get the gist as to why the thought of dating seems entirely overwhelming to me. Yes I know it should be the last thing on my mind and it would be as dc will always come first. But I'm so young and I dont want it entirely off the table. I have experienced such horrible things with dp and am hoping that I will finally prove to myself nice guys exist by finding one eventually But.....

All the guys that my gfs are dating (or have dated) all sound incredibly immature. I am shocked at how they still all seem so incompetent with relationships at 25 onwards. Most of my dealings with guys before dp was they never wanted commitment and always sex. It really breaks my heart to think this is what i could be potentially experiencing again. As a person I feel like I've had to do so much growing up that going through petty guys would be ten steps back for me.

Also there is the major thing of who the Heck would want me? It feels to unfair that as a guy dp will most likely find a partner with no trouble as women are generally alot more understanding of a child and most the time if anything it gives the guy brownie points in the girls eyes (finding a man that is a good father as an attractive trait to have). Where as for me as a woman? The complete opposite. I have alot of guy friends and they all repel and freak at the thought of being a father and that is to their own child let alone mine. Why would any guy want to take me on and my child. What guy would find me, who never has time to look after herself (hair makeup ect) attractive.

My self esteem has really taken a hit from all this. I have a big ugly c section scarr which I doubt many guys my age even have seen in their life. Yes if that turns them off then screw them but that's not the point. At this point I'm scared that dp would find someone, she would become a second mum to my dc. They will give dc the sibling I should of given dc (we was going to ttc again) and I will be left alone and sad.

I know it seems quite extreme but this is just how I see my life playing out. Its making me just want to stay with dp and put up with the crap. At least I can have another child and get married. Being hurt seems like a small price to pay for the guarantee of that.

Any young single mums with comforting experience pls? Otherwise I'm obviously not unreasonable and the dating pool for young mums is destined for failure!

I know plenty of young mums who found a new partner and more kids. Usually with men who already have kids too or are a bit older, rather than responsibility free boys in mid twenties.

Of course some men are happy to date mums… just look at how many stepdads there are in the world!

Just don’t rush into anything. Dealing with your parents separating is hard for children, even if it’s 100% the right decision. Being introduced to a new boyfriend/girlfriend is the last thing your children will need for a long time.

"I did consider that an older man may be my only choice here which I guess I wouldn't be opposed to I just assumed they will most likely come with their own kids and I'm definitely not ready to take on the responsibility of a blended family"

Have you noticed what you've written? You don't want a man with kids already, Yet you want a man to take on a woman who already has a child! Maybe single 25 Yr old men are definitely not ready to take on the responsibility of a another man's child

Having children, an ugly C section scar etc isn’t off-putting.
Your entire identity being ‘mum’ is.
Scratch that, your entire identity being wrapped up in another person…

Get yourself a career, some individual personality and stop worrying about whether you’ll find another guy.

Everyone can share their success stories but the truth of relationships is nobody can GUARANTEE that anything will happen. Or not.

Women can have babies in their mid-thirties, you’re only 25 plenty of time for a second. And you’re already blessed with one healthy DC.

OP

sorry but you’re sounding very juvenile and immature - ironical given that that’s what you’re critiquing in men of your age.

your focus right now should be on exiting that relationship and focusing on your career being re built.

when in a few years time you meet a new friend/professional acquaintance at par with you - and something develops is a next step.

sort your life and career out now.

Also OP you’re such a hypocrite and don’t deserve a better man with that attitude. If you don’t want another man’s kids why should he want yours.

Having RTFT and judging by your social circle you have a lot of growing up to do. Although you’re already a mother

If you're 25 now, then by the time you have left your parter, taken some time to sort yourself and your own prioritie, focus on career and being single for a bit, you realistically are going to be late 20s and then looking at dating men in early to mid 30s; who are much more likely to have had a chance to grow up and be looking at settling down too.

I don't mean to be rude but you don't sound that mature yourself, op.. you just have more responsibilities than them but still mentally you don't sound mature.
What do you expect when you're looking at dumb tiktok videos the majority are immatures acting out for likes or whatever on social media. Do you think a sensible 27 year old with a serious job has the time to muck about making dumb videos?
I don't know what you mean by older guys but at 25 I'd expect to date up to 33 year old men who may also be single dads.

If you have a second child, dating another man will even be harder but not impossible. You need to decide whether you can stay in this relationship or not. Even single childless women in their early twenties get messed about with immature guys and the answer is not to go for older guys because they aren't necessarily better and the type who wants someone as young as you is a red flag in 90% of the cases.

Focus on yourself and what you need to do for your child's best interest and then for yourself.

@Soapy i didn't ever mention Tiktok I never go on that I meant Snapchat...

@DomPerignon12 i didn't mean I won't accept another man's child I said I just don't think I could deal with the stresses of a blended family at the moment.

Im really not immature I wish I could be but life hasnt allowed that for me. Your hearing a snippet of a bigger picture here. I have considered the career/ self dedicated time to all of this if me and dp don't work out and I already have that sorted. I have an action plan.

I've actually already taken steps and moved out of our house back to family and got onto uc so I can provide for my dc whilst I start to look for a job. So please dont belittle based of nothing. Its all been very hard for me and whilst deciding on whether to turn my life upside down or not I'm deciding on whether I think the grass is greener on the other side. Every relationship has issues and we have been working on ours in counselling for a while. I saw my life pan out with this man and despite the hardships can't just dismiss that.

However dp has been physically and emotionally checked out for a while so although I'm not "single" I have felt single for a LONG time and crave that interaction even if it just a fling. So I guess I got carried away with thinking about dating and I wanted to make a light hearted thread to ease some of my stresses but instead I've been drilled at and somehow offended people on my personal experience of guys my age?

You can certainly 'date' - if your dp has his child for a decent amount of time. But that dating doesn't need to become somebody 'taking on' you or your dd. Leave that bit out of things for a while as others have said. Lighthearted dating is fine, on your dd's weekends with her father... you might find them too immature, or you might not, but for now you need to separate dating from finding somebody to settle down with as you are not ready for the second part of that at all.

Your OP isn’t at all lighthearted though. It’s all about how immature guys your age are, how you’d be upset if your DP has another child with someone else, how you want a second child.

If all you want is male attention (yes I get it I was single for a long time too as the stumpy, nerdy ugly girl) then how mature they are doesn’t matter. Go out, have a couple of dates, go home. Don’t commit. They don’t even have to know that you have kids.

But you’re talking about men ‘taking on’ you and your child. You just want a replacement for the happy family life you saw with your DP, which is now in danger.

If this thread isn’t what you want and causes you distress then delete it.

Also OP dating a man with kids doesn’t MEAN blended families.
Plenty of people live apart from their partners. Wait until the kids are grown up. Etc.

You can have your own lives, you don’t need to play happy families

I was single with a small child from 21/22ish onwards. Finished my degree, bought a house, all the good stuff and had PLENTY of opportunities to date and men interested in me. I met my partner when my son was 5. He had his own child who was 2 at the time and now we are an ace wee blended family, together 5 years

My MIL had all her kids young and by 32 was divorced with 3 kids ranging between 12-1. She met her second husband at that point and he was 25. He took them all on. I'm not saying it will be easy but absolutely there are younger guys who would love to have you both.

Date older men.

I agree men age 25 are immature. Date up to early/ mid 30s and you will be met with a lot more maturity!

I think you also need to get your career sorted asap. You don't need to be a judge but you need something that pays the bills, you find acceptable and that you're good at to build self esteem.

Good luck!

Some people will date others with children and some won’t just like some have a wider age range they are willing to date and some prefer someone close in age. I preferred to date close to my age because now even after all these years hence DH and I joke about pop culture from our youth.

Concentrate on work and training because whatever happens in your life you can rely on yourself. I just saw my friend yesterday who had a fabulous loving DH and hit the relationship and love jackpot but was widowed at quite a young age with 3 children still in school and one at University.

I’d be quite gutted if my son had a child at or before 25. So much can growing up and independent life to be lived at that age

Pissing myself laughing at the comments that men become more mature in their 30s they absolutely do not if they are that way inclined I have met 25-year-olds who are more emotionally mature than 55-year-olds it’s entirely down to the individual.

but you are right to be concerned you will definitely limit the pool you are fishing in because you’re gonna have to have higher standards as a mother and you ever had is a single woman.

nothing wrong with just having one child many people choose that lifestyle and I’ll tell you what it’s alot bloody easier.

You didn’t have to give up your career to be a mum. What do you do for a living now?

But there are men out there who won't be bothered by any of that and who will fall in love with you for you, its just a matter of finding him.

You sound in so much of a rush though. You're still in a relationship and whats the rush to jump to another relationship or be thinking about it with this urgency?

I'd also be wary if I were you of men who look purposively to date single mothers, thinking they will have less choices, be less demanding, put up with more, etc..

But yes, it certainly happens. My ex married a woman 18 years older than him who had a grown up son. His father married a divorced mother of 4, 3 of the children having disabilities (albeit they didn't live with either parent but in care).

If it’s any comfort, your DP won’t find a partner easily either. Not many young women want a guy who’s tied up at weekends. Not to mention the fact that he won’t have any money due to paying child support. Any woman who might date him could equally choose another man who has complete freedom every weekend and doesn’t have a massive financial commitment.

Men absolutely do not seem to be more mature in their 30s 😂 I'm dating as a 30 year old single mum (nearly 2 years post separation) and I swear the ones in their late 30s are the worst for only wanting a bit of fun..

I do agree with what someone else said up thread though OP; dating is fun and is absolutely a separate thing to finding someone to "take you on". If and when you are on your own, don't go into dating as looking for someone to go into a full relationship with. Enjoy the dates and feeling of being yourself rather than mum, if it goes anywhere, great, if not, they're not for you

Trust me most women that are with men who have kids are with them in spite of the kids not because of them

You can’t be thinking about dating when you are still in a relationship.
Id advise a good 12 months between splitting up with your DP and starting to date again so you can focus on yourself and child.

It sounds like you don’t want to be subject but don’t want to be with your current partner so you’re hoping you’ll find someone pretty quick - when you have a child it doesn’t work like that.

You’ll find many men who love the idea of a mum, someone who knows how to cook and clean etc and doesn’t go out partying every night.
But you’re not going to be able to meet someone and move in with them quickly it’s going to take longer than if you didn’t have kids.

Split up with DP.
Spend a good few months being single.
When you get to the stage where you feel you don’t need a relationship to happy - then start dating.

I don’t think the OP is immature as much as honest, and that’s no bad thing.

What I will say is that it’s easy (and I always do it) to look at the whole picture. It’s not the same thing but I went through a really awful work situation about six years ago where I was falsely accused of something rather heinous and although I was completely exonerated, at the time it absolutely panicked me. My mind went something like ‘I’ll be struck off / in all the papers / I’ll never have any friends or relationships again / I won’t have children’.

It’s like looking at a full journey when you haven’t left the house. And you should. If I want to drive to china I need to know that’s the destination in the end … but focus on getting to Dover first. Then how you’re going to cross the sea. Know what I mean?