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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.... in feeling it's a bit eeerrrgghh to discuss money with little children?

86 replies

welliemum · 15/01/2008 21:53

dd1 is 3 and has a little friend (let's call her Susan).

Susan's just turned 3. I was chatting to her about her birthday presents. She said "mummy bought me this, and daddy bought me that, and granny bought me that, and auntie bought me..." etc etc.

Whereas dd1 would have said "mummy and daddy/gran/ auntie gave me this".

Susan's standard response on being shown a possession of dd1's is "Who bought it?"

Susan's mum's standard response on being shown a possession of dd1's is "Was it expensive?"

This just makes me squirm. Am I right in thinking that little children should learn to appreciate things for what they are, rather than because they cost money? Or am I just being "a bit English about this" as DH would say?

OP posts:
perpetualworrier · 16/01/2008 09:32

My Grandmother, who worked as a palour maid at "The Big House" until her marriage c. 1920 always said it was "common" to talk about money. She would never tell anyone what anything cost, not even to discuss what a bargain she'd got. She would have been horrified if snyone asked her what she earned. I always think of her when discussions turn to house prices.

Consequently, I don't discuss money with my children. I might say they can't have something becuase it's too expensive, or if they're looking at a flash car, I'll say well you need to work hard at school then, because you'll need a good job to pay for that, but they wouldn't dream of commenting on the cost of a toy.

mustsleep · 16/01/2008 09:34

i think it is important that they know the value of money... when ds has a birthday some of our relatives that live further away send him a chepue or cash and we explain to im that he has x amount to spend and then take him shopping to spend it so he can see how far it goes etc

dd is two and will say when my mum brings around sweets etc grandma bought them, and like from stuff she got ages ago she can remember who got her what and refers to it as being bought..although it's not something we say pften sonot sure where she gets it from bt not particularly bothered by it

ladylush · 16/01/2008 09:42

It is interesting how we all have different attitudes about this and I wonder if our own socio-economic background shapes these attitudes.

Tortington · 16/01/2008 10:02

the attitute that your a better parent becuase of it - i dont think there is anythink wrong with saying mummy bought me this or daddy bought me that.

my children say "wha' did you get?" to their mates at xmas - but they are so comparing who got most money spent on them.

Loshad · 16/01/2008 10:09

I don't mind saying something is too expensive for us to buy, or reminding the boys that x is an expensive toy so need looking after nicely, but I really dislike discussing how much money DH and I earn with them (ie I don't and won't) or indeed with anyone else - I was brought up to think it "common" as well.
If they are deciding on careers then i would be happy to discuss salary bands for different jobs, but I can't see that they ever need to know precisely what our household income is.
The older ones do know the size of some of the bills, but that is mainly targeted at encouraging them to be careful with electricity use etc.

ladylush · 16/01/2008 10:14

My mum was piss poor when she brought us up and I'm sure that has influenced my opinion on this. I'm glad she told us she had no money, then we didn't need to bother her/make things worse by asking her for any. I want my child to be sensitive to this also. I don't know when is a good age to start, but at 3 they can take some things on board. We moved from a small flat to a house about 18 months ago. It's a normal sized house but to him it is "masive" He is going through a phase where he doesn't want us to go to work, so I tell him if he wants to live in his "massive" house mummy and daddy have to go to work to help pay for it. He seems to accept that

bigbadwulf · 16/01/2008 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 16/01/2008 10:17

DD has a little friend who doesn't think she's had a good day out if she comes home without any 'boughts'. Which makes me cringe! DD copied her once. Just the once

I think they get to have an idea of money naturally. It might not be very realistic but it's there. And mine are often told if/when we can't afford to do something they want to.

ladylush · 16/01/2008 10:18

That made me cringe - "boughts"

princessosyth · 16/01/2008 10:19

You are over analysing it. Ds would say 'bought' rather than 'gave' because it is what I say, I don't say it for any particular reason it is just the way I speak!

ladylush · 16/01/2008 10:21

I was referring to Ormirian and the girl she referred to - I assume she knew how the word was intended.

princessosyth · 16/01/2008 10:23

Sorry I was referring to the OP.

ladylush · 16/01/2008 10:23

Oh I see - sorry

Hulababy · 16/01/2008 10:24

My 5yo knows that things cost money and have to be bought by someone, and that some items are more expensive than others.

She still apprectiates things for what they are. For example for Christmas she got, amongst her gifts, a DS Lite costing £100 and a YoYo, costing £2. Now DD knows that the DS was expensive, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love her little YoYo as well.
DD knows that she can't have anything she wants, just lke mummy and daddy cam't either, as "money doesn't grow on trees"; it needs to be earnt. And that some of what we earn needs to be spent on our house, our heating, our food, etc. and some we save for holidays or special things, or for when we are older and don't work any more, And then ther is money left over that we can spend on other things like treats and days out, etc.

Introducing pocket money when she turned 5 also helped with the concept of money. She is very good at saving he rmoney for bigger purchases.

I can't imagine DD asking a friend is some toy of their, or whatever, was expensive however. But then the little girl in the OP wouldn't really understand wht she was asking or why I bet.

perpetualworrier · 16/01/2008 10:27

Yes Loshad - No-one I know, apart from Dh and my boss knows what my salary is. Actually, I doubt if DH could quote it. I still have no idea what my partents' financial situation is and I don't want to.

ladylush · 16/01/2008 10:42

I don't shy away from telling people what I earn, how much my house was etc etc (if they ask - that is). However, I am much more private about my emotions.

FarcicalAlienQueen · 16/01/2008 12:33

yes it probably was common in the days that loans and personal debt were virtually unheard of - but money management these days is a much more complex affair and I think does need discussing with our chidlren.

HonoriaGlossop · 16/01/2008 12:40

I wouldn't get bent out of shape about whether a child said bought or gave, tbh. I certainly would tell my child how much I earned if he asked though - it's a perfectly straight question requiring a straight answer. No point keeping them in ignorance of things they're curious about when it will do no harm at all to know!

I'm the same as Hula, we have introduced pocket money quite young and I think it's brilliant for helping ds to understand the real value of money.

robin3 · 16/01/2008 12:44

I think it's a shame when children start to judge things as 'expensive' but then you do have to teach them what money will buy.

Also recently had the challenge of having to answer the question posed by my 4 year old of 'why do you go to work Mummy?'. DP looks after them. I felt I had to say that mummy goes to work to earn money to buy us food and the things we need. I hoped he'd forgotten but then this morning my youngest was upset momentarily because he'd obviously worked out I was about to leave the house. My youngest turned to me and said 'babies don't understand that mummys have to go to work do they mummy' and then turned to DS2 and said 'mummy has to go to work to get money for toys'. Made me cringe tbh.

My parents were absolutely anti money talk...never answered questions about what things cost, never remembered to give us pocket money, never guided us through our choices re money and I think that is unrealistic in this day and age. Also we were poor kids (even though our parents weren't) and I found that shaming as others paid for my coffee after school etc. Still makes me blush.

HonoriaGlossop · 16/01/2008 12:48

Why did it make you cringe robin? I think that's really sweet! I also think it's a good idea though to introduce the idea of work as something other than earning money though. Even though I bloomin' HATE my job many days, I make sure that I explain to ds that I go to earn money, and because I am helping people and I enjoy it and I'm good at it.

I think it's good they get the idea it's not ALL about money then it can maybe put it in more of a perspective for them.

robin3 · 16/01/2008 12:53

He does know I like my job. Every night in the bath he says 'tell me about your day mummy...what was the talk about' and I try to explain what i was talking about. Really touches me that he's interested but I think it's because I always say to him 'so tell me all about your day'.

Makes me blush that I was a young blagger really...my mates had to pay if they wanted me to come to things.

bobsyouruncle · 16/01/2008 13:01

I was giving dh a "you must stop spending so much money" talking to the other week and dd must have been listening. When I picked her up from nursery, her teacher said "dd was tell us you're not going out for tea this weekend as her daddy has spent all the money in the bank" I was horrified and I still can't believe her teacher repeated it to me!?

VictorianSqualor · 16/01/2008 13:06

My DD understands just how much it costs to vei in our house and feed and clothe her and ehr borther, becuase when she came home from her arse father's house one day (who has not paid a penny for them in the last two years) she told me how he gave her a whole five pound to buy sweets for her and her brother.

I looked at DP and laughed and she asked what was funny, then proceeded to tell me how nice of ehr father it was to give her this whole five pounds (which she apparently bought two mars bars with - wonder what happened to the change).

So I explained that although it was nice of him to give her that five pounds it would have been even nicer if he actually contributed towards her upkeep, she told me that next time she would ask him for the five pounds to buy shopping (bless) so I explained that in the grand scheme of things she five pounds wasn't much towards what we spent and she asked what things cost, so I told her.

I don't agree children shouldknow the extent of their families money worries though, I grew up always woried that we didnt have enough money and I don't think children need that worry. (I also told DD that although it seems like a lot of money that's why DP goes to work every day, because he earns that moeny to pay for everything)

HonoriaGlossop · 16/01/2008 13:15

but I don't think they should know the state of affairs re maintenance either vs. If you have a problem with him not giving anything you need to say that TO him not to your dd.

I'm not saying she should always be in complete ignorance about it, one day she may ask if he pays anything or may just become aware through knowing who brings what into the house.

Anna8888 · 16/01/2008 13:17

If you want your children to be able to manage money when they grow up, you need to start talking about it, and the cost of things, ASAP.

However, I don't think it is polite to ask people outside the nuclear family (ie a single financial unit) how much they paid for things.