Do I make DD go to the musical or let her go to the party?

[weaknesspersonified]

I have a DD who has struggled with anxiety for the past 6 months or so. She has barely been to school since November. For Christmas, she and her sister were gifted tickets to see a musical in a town about two hours from here. The tickets are for my two girls, their cousin and their aunt. She has since been invited to a birthday party with an old school friend. My response straight away was that she couldn't go - she was going to the musical. However, she is so upset about not being able to go to this party. She has been feeling really isolated from friends, having not seen many for the past 6 months. Her sister goes out with her friends all the time and my younger one has been struggling with that lately as she doesn't get to socialise much - all anxiety related (I think she feels embarrassed and a bit worried that people will say they don't want to see her, or that she will have to go into the ins and outs of why she hasn't been in school). I only have the numbers of some old school friends (before secondary) - we have organised things with them a few times but they are quite busy so hard to find dates.
My principled side is firm that it is rude to reject the musical just because a birthday party has come up. However, seeing how upset she is, and knowing that it would do her good to go to this party (even just being invited gave her a real boost) makes my weak side want to let her go and my husband or I will use the musical ticket. I'm so torn, because if this were usual circumstances, I would absolutely not allow her to go to the party, but we have had two years from hell as her sister also struggles with anxiety and had the most horrific two years before the second DD started with her problems.
I think I know what you'll all say, but I just needed to put it out there anyway - would IBU to let her go to the party instead of the musical?

If she's currently that isolated, I would make an exception and let her go to the party.

I didn't even read it all. PLEASE let her go to the party. Stuff the musical. Listen to the your child. You are going to make her feel more unhappy and more isolated.

Ignore my typos! No idea where my glasses are.

Who is she 'letting down' if she doesn't go to the musical? Is it her sister and her cousin? You know them, and the person who gifted the tickets, better than me - will they be ok about it or upset? If they're likely to be upset I'd insist on her going. Anxiety or not, it's not fair to upset other people, drop arrangements for better offers or insult people who bought you a thoughtful gift. You've tried to make arrangements with this friend and haven't been able to - she cannot be that invested in the friendship yet dd goes running when she invites her to something.

Under the circumstances, I'd let her go to the party. Maybe her sister or cousin has a friend that can use her ticket.

The party is more important at this stage.

I'm sure you can make her firmly aware that under normal circumstances it would be rude to blow out the musical for a party.

I cancelled six the musical a few days before to go to something related to my son he didn't want to miss, and the theatre said if its covid related I could get a credit so I said it was and got a voucher that I used to see a different show. See if you can do that maybe?

Let her go the party. No brained. Its not like her ticket will be wasted if someone can go in her place.

100% let her go to the party. DS suffers from anxiety and I have backtracked on plans on several occasions in the last year to facilitate social opps for him. These seemingly small incremental gains (like her going to the party) can be a huge step forward when looking at the big picture of managing anxiety. If the ticket giver cares about your DD enough to give her musical tickets I would hope they would understand.

*No brainer

Party

Party every day. (& I love musicals and know how expensive they can be).

Party without a doubt.

100% party, it’s a shame it clashes but this party will be so important for her.

Let her go to the party. If she gets cold feet and changes her mind, bring her to the musical with you.

Don't make her feel she's letting people down for wanting to be sociable, especially if she suffers from social anxiety. Encourage and support her. The rest of you can enjoy the musical.

Absolutely the party. I can’t believe this is even a question. Your poor daughter is suffering socially and you want to make her go to a musical just because “it would be rude not to”?

a) it wouldn’t and b) who the fuck cares what anyone else thinks?

Party

Party for sure, and I would usually say if you have already made a commitment stick with it, but not in this case.

I have an young ASD teen who struggles with anxiety and Covid has really done a number on her social integration. We would pick the party without hesitation. We prioritize social above pretty much anything else at this point. I would just explain the situation to the aunt and cousin and offer to pay for the tickets if that is an issue.

I have tried to reply twice already and it keeps crashing on me!
Thank you so much for your replies - you're all very lovely. I don't have much confidence - never have done, and my daughters' anxiety issues probably haven't made it any better as I do slip into wondering if it's my fault somehow. And I've always been bad with decisions. So I think I just had this idea that I would be weakness personified (hence the name) if I let her go. I also think that despite our good relationship, my SIL and MIL will think I've just mollycoddled her by allowing her to go. I'm going to have to have a good chat with my husband, see if he can see this side of the story and whether we can get the others to understand.

Party definitely

I would do the party too. Musical tickets are a generous present so I assume the person who has given them loves her/at least thinks very highly of her - I think if you called and explained they would understand.

Who cares what your MIL and SIL think? Why does it matter? What’s going to happen if they do think you’re mollycoddling her?

You don’t need to try and get others to understand. You simply tell them what’s happening. No further explanation necessary.

@justfiveminutes I didn't want to ignore your message. The party friend isn't one of the ones we've been trying to get together with - this is an old friend who ended up in a different class in secondary school so they drifted a little, but has been in touch a bit more since spotting my DD in school when she managed to go in a few weeks ago. Since then, my DD has managed about 10 days in the inclusion building, so not socialising with friends, but she has seen some in passing. So she was surprised but delighted to be invited to the party. Her cousin is my older daughter's age, although she gets on well with my younger one. But I think she'd be ok with her not coming. I think it's mainly my SIL and MIL I'm worried about.

Just read the other replies. Thank you so much. I wasn't expecting it to be so party-heavy, although I was probably hoping for it! Makes me feel a bit better about tackling it. Thank you.