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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I make DD go to the musical or let her go to the party?

78 replies

weaknesspersonified · 27/06/2022 17:33

I have a DD who has struggled with anxiety for the past 6 months or so. She has barely been to school since November. For Christmas, she and her sister were gifted tickets to see a musical in a town about two hours from here. The tickets are for my two girls, their cousin and their aunt. She has since been invited to a birthday party with an old school friend. My response straight away was that she couldn't go - she was going to the musical. However, she is so upset about not being able to go to this party. She has been feeling really isolated from friends, having not seen many for the past 6 months. Her sister goes out with her friends all the time and my younger one has been struggling with that lately as she doesn't get to socialise much - all anxiety related (I think she feels embarrassed and a bit worried that people will say they don't want to see her, or that she will have to go into the ins and outs of why she hasn't been in school). I only have the numbers of some old school friends (before secondary) - we have organised things with them a few times but they are quite busy so hard to find dates.
My principled side is firm that it is rude to reject the musical just because a birthday party has come up. However, seeing how upset she is, and knowing that it would do her good to go to this party (even just being invited gave her a real boost) makes my weak side want to let her go and my husband or I will use the musical ticket. I'm so torn, because if this were usual circumstances, I would absolutely not allow her to go to the party, but we have had two years from hell as her sister also struggles with anxiety and had the most horrific two years before the second DD started with her problems.
I think I know what you'll all say, but I just needed to put it out there anyway - would IBU to let her go to the party instead of the musical?

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 27/06/2022 18:05

100% party.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 27/06/2022 18:07

You need to follow your gut and do what your maternal instinct is telling you is in your DDs best interest.

Lifeisforlovingandliving · 27/06/2022 18:10

Party 🎉

JerryGarcia · 27/06/2022 18:12

Please let her go to the party. When I was 12 my parents went away for a night. We had recently moved to a new city and I was trying to make friends at a new school. My mum had arranged for me to stay with one of her friends and then I got a last minute invite to a sleep over the day before. My mum wouldn't let me go because she didn't want to be rude to her friend by cancelling and I was never given another chance with that group of girls.

Friends are so important to teenagers. They just matter so much, more than they do to grownups.

JerryGarcia · 27/06/2022 18:14

I also think SIL and MIL can just get over it. Advocate for your DD here. Its just a musical (I'm a musical fan btw) and someone else can use the ticket and actually enjoy the night whereas your DD will just be thinking about the party.

Kite22 · 27/06/2022 18:18

I agree with almost everyone else. Like you, I would generally say first on the calendar stands BUT there are extenuating circumstances.

Though - (I have missed how old she is?).....the time of night most things happen for teens, she could probably arrive at the party at midnight and be the coolest person there.....

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/06/2022 18:19

You don't need to get anyone to understand anything, send your daughter to the party, apologise to your SIL 'sorry, DD won't be able to make it, so you're stuck with me instead 🍷' and say no more about it. You're doing the right thing by your daughter so don't worry what anyone else thinks. Send her to the party and you go and enjoy the musical l

ABBAsnumberonefan · 27/06/2022 18:24

100% the party! It really sucks when you miss out on friends parties / outings when you’re in high school

Timeandtune · 27/06/2022 18:26

Definitely the party. My DS2 has suffered massively with anxiety and depression during the pandemic.

This time last year he was in bed all the time and was very poorly.

A year later ( after counselling and ADs) he is just back from holiday with 4 friends.

A couple of those lads stayed in touch with him during the bad times and through them he has met others.

This party might be the turning point for your DD.

User280905 · 27/06/2022 18:26

Will the party be all she hopes it will be? I'm thinking of my ds who was in a similar situation (at a younger age), hung all his hopes on an invitation, ended up feeling completely out of the loop at the party, had nothing to say because he'd been out of school for so long, got so anxious about what he should say and act, had built it up so much in his head he was just in a panic and came home early. I'd have preferred him to be safely at a musical with people who loved him.

But equally it's great that she wants to go and put herself out there. Anxiety is horrible. I hope she has a great night either way.

DPotter · 27/06/2022 18:34

Party definitely
And do you know what sometimes it's good to mollycoddle your children, especially when they have been going through a bad time - and you can tell that to your MIL & SIL, who are not walking in either yours or your DD's shoes

musicforthesoul · 27/06/2022 18:34

Are your family going to be a bit miffed or are they going to be hurt by you turning down the musical tickets? That would be a really really exceptional present from an aunt in my family so turning it down last minute for anything less than an emergency would be a big statement and would likely genuinely cause upset rather than just annoyance. If it's more common for you maybe not such a big deal.

That isn't saying you don't do what's best for your DD and if you think it's the party then that's what you should do regardess, I just think it is worth considering.

JuneJubilee · 27/06/2022 18:39

SherbertLemonDrop · 27/06/2022 17:36

I didn't even read it all. PLEASE let her go to the party. Stuff the musical. Listen to the your child. You are going to make her feel more unhappy and more isolated.

'Stuff the musical' that her Aunt presumably bought tickets as a gift for? Stuff the cousin who might be looking forward to them all going? Stuff everyone else, without a thought for them?

@weaknesspersonified Can you speak to her Aunt? I can understand you wanting to let her go to the party, but it depends (to me) on how upset her Aunt & Cousin will be to have her swapped out for one if you. IF it was a gift from them, they might prefer to let the cousin take a friend instead??

I hope DD gets lots more invitations & feels better about life soon 💐

Scout2016 · 27/06/2022 18:44

Is it a musical she'd been wanting or asking to see, and that's why they were given tickets?
Or did her aunt think she'd like to take her child, your 2 might like it too and tickets for yours is a Christmas present sorted?
I'm a bit in 2 minds about tickets to a set thing on a fixed date and time, and I think if something you'd rather do comes up you shouldn't feel obliged to go to it.
Short answer is party, unless she specifically asked for musical tickets.

Original poster
weaknesspersonified · 27/06/2022 18:45

@musicforthesoul i am worried about that. In terms of price, it’s about the same as usual for a present from them - £25. they have been to big London musicals together before, courtesy of MIL, so this is a smaller thing, though still a really lovely present. My older dd can‘t wait to go. I am dreading the phone call, if we do decide to let her go to the party. I am also a little concerned about if she will be happy at the party once she‘s there. I hope so as several old friends will be there and they don‘t all go to the same school so conversations would hopefully be varied. Going to have to talk to dd too to check she‘s thought it through.

OP posts:
pimlicoanna · 27/06/2022 18:49

This is a no brainer. Please let her go to the party

saraclara · 27/06/2022 18:54

While I agree that I'd want her to go to the party, I think that people are losing sight of the fact that this trip is a gift. So basically she's going to be rejecting a gift, and the person who gave it and who is looking forward to taking her, is going to be more than a bit disappointed.

It's one of those no-win things, but I can empathise both with the DD and the aunt.

littlefireseverywhere · 27/06/2022 18:58

party, no brainer! Sod MIL & SIL they’ll always think differently, you’re putting DD first.

riesenrad · 27/06/2022 18:58

I am also a little concerned about if she will be happy at the party once she‘s there. I hope so as several old friends will be there and they don‘t all go to the same school so conversations would hopefully be varied. Going to have to talk to dd too to check she‘s thought it through

Yes, I would be concerned too. It's a real shame that there had to be a clash, isn't it just always the way?

Robin233 · 27/06/2022 19:04

Yes that would be my concern.
Great to be asked to the party but unless she's an extrovert or there will be other introverts to sit with, she may feel isolated in a crowd and wished she'd gone to the concert.
But I think you may have to let her learn this for herself.

musicforthesoul · 27/06/2022 19:15

Was your DD excited about the musical before the party invite? If she was looking forward to it I'd also be a bit concerned she'd be upset later on to have missed it, especially with her sister going. Hopefully not an issue if the party goes well but may be an extra problem if it doesn't. Such a shame for there to be a clash.

I hope whichever way you decide your DD has a brilliant time at the chosen event.

Original poster
weaknesspersonified · 27/06/2022 19:18

@saraclara You‘re right, it is no-win, which is why I’ve been having such a hard time deciding what to do. My SIL isn’t overly close to my girls (who are 12 and 14 - the 12 yr old being the one who wants to go to the party) - that’s not to say they don’t get on - they just have more of a polite relationship than a ‘can‘t wait to see each other‘ relationship. They do get on very well with their cousin and dd12 is usually very excited to go to see her. But it is a nice present and i do accept that under most circumstances, it is rude for the one dd to pull out. I just can’t decide if this circumstance makes it ok.

OP posts:
ChagSameachDoreen · 27/06/2022 19:26

She honours the original plan.

This is how we raise children to be adults who aren't flakes.

Original poster
weaknesspersonified · 27/06/2022 19:28

@musicforthesoul not particularly. Her sister is very excited and has been playing the music in preparation but dd12 not so much.
one of her best friends will be at the party, so that’s a guaranteed ‘comfort blanket’ but she won’t want to cling to her. I definitely don’t want her to go to the party and then call me, wanting to leave!

OP posts:
Original poster
weaknesspersonified · 27/06/2022 19:31

@ChagSameachDoreen yes - it’s how I was raised and how i’ve always raised my kids so far. It’s just the isolation I’m worried about. She has seen so few of her friends for such a long time. I have never changed plans before which is why I’m struggling to now, despite what my heart is pulling me towards.

OP posts:
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