Do I make DD go to the musical or let her go to the party?

[weaknesspersonified]

I have a DD who has struggled with anxiety for the past 6 months or so. She has barely been to school since November. For Christmas, she and her sister were gifted tickets to see a musical in a town about two hours from here. The tickets are for my two girls, their cousin and their aunt. She has since been invited to a birthday party with an old school friend. My response straight away was that she couldn't go - she was going to the musical. However, she is so upset about not being able to go to this party. She has been feeling really isolated from friends, having not seen many for the past 6 months. Her sister goes out with her friends all the time and my younger one has been struggling with that lately as she doesn't get to socialise much - all anxiety related (I think she feels embarrassed and a bit worried that people will say they don't want to see her, or that she will have to go into the ins and outs of why she hasn't been in school). I only have the numbers of some old school friends (before secondary) - we have organised things with them a few times but they are quite busy so hard to find dates.
My principled side is firm that it is rude to reject the musical just because a birthday party has come up. However, seeing how upset she is, and knowing that it would do her good to go to this party (even just being invited gave her a real boost) makes my weak side want to let her go and my husband or I will use the musical ticket. I'm so torn, because if this were usual circumstances, I would absolutely not allow her to go to the party, but we have had two years from hell as her sister also struggles with anxiety and had the most horrific two years before the second DD started with her problems.
I think I know what you'll all say, but I just needed to put it out there anyway - would IBU to let her go to the party instead of the musical?

I think the last 2 years have been awful for children and they need time and space to recover and rebuild themselves. And that sometimes means being flexible was previously agreed engagements. A local show at £25 in not in the same league of let down as a West End show at £125. If MIL or SIL get sniffy , lift your head up, look 'em in the eye and saying you are doing what's best your your DD and beneficial. To survive we have to adapt and be flexible - this is you adapting and flexing for your DD

What are your DH's views?

Party definitely in this situation yes

I a sad Lao wouldn’t go overly all the things she’d ‘thought through’ - kind of don’t put the idea there if you see what I mean. My dd told me honestly that sometimes I can be an over thinker lol and would open her eyes to every scenario and that it wasn’t necessary lol

That should I honestly not the typos at the start sorry

I give up on my typos 🙄

This is how we raise women to always put their own needs last and make their own happiness lower priority than everyone elses.

Rigidity in rules helps no-one.

While I think you should prioritise the party ,I do think y

While I do think you should prioritise the party I think you need to as a minimum reimburse your sil for the ticket

My principled side is firm that it is rude to reject the musical just because a birthday party has come up.

my “principled side” tends to go flying out the window when it’s my children's health and happiness at save

Stake

@SherbertLemonDrop you pretended to have an illness that has killed millions of people world wide, to commit fraud to get concert tickets. Do you not have any shame?

If it was my niece and my sister explained

I would be begging my sister to allow my niece to go to the party

Do you have children out of interest @ChagSameachDoreen

@user1471457751, absolutely we would. The present was for DD, not for me or anyone else so we will be paying the price. I do genuinely think I would understand if the shoe were on the other foot, so I hope they will too.

You go with your older daughter, your husband drops the younger one at the party.

Let her go to the party. My parents made me do family stuff all the time and I really resented them as a result!

@DPotter Dh has not been clear on his views. I think he doesn’t want to upset them but also feels a bit torn. So he’s been non-committal really, not hardline that she must come to the musical, but also not really championing the party. I think he feels a bit judged too - think it comes with the territory when you’re dealing with anxiety issues with your kids. Lots of people think it’s clear cut and they would know how to cure it.

Don’t make a big bloody deal out of it OP, involving all and sundry!

she’s been through a tough time and is finally excited about a social interaction

if your sister kicks up a fuss (obviously you pay!) the good heavens - I wouldn’t want my children near that kind of person in any scenario anyway- so lucky escape

op this should not be viewed as a “learning experience”. Your daughter has had a tough time. Go with it

I am sorry you daughter has been struggling so much. In this context I think the party is a bit of a no-brainer. It is great that a friend is reaching out and going to this party sounds like a great opportunity to bond more with other girls at her school. If she is able to feel like she has good friends there it will massively help her transition into full-time again. As she has been struggling to attend I think that is probably a really big deal and should be encouraged. Obviously in a normal situation it would be extremely rude but your daughter has not been well and this sounds like something that should help her a lot. I also personally wouldn't ask her if she has thought it through as that could trigger anxious thoughts.

Party. Especially as she wasn't that keen to go to the musical anyway.

Another vote for party!

Complete no-brainer, of COURSE she should go to the party! I'd be pleased she wanted to go as well, as I'd have thought a party would be much more of a challenge anxiety-wise than a musical attended with family members, where you just sit there.

Just to update, we did decide to go for the party. Rang SIL and she was great actually. She had already prepared herself for one of the two girls potentially not feeling up to it, and she can see that socialising with her schoolfriends is important. I told her we would pay and she should invite someone else, but she refused payment and will think of someone who might like the ticket. I'm so relieved. When my DD14 first started with her anxiety, it felt like a lot of family members thought she was just being dramatic. Maybe, as time has gone on, people have started to realise this is horribly real. Anyway, she's been great, I feel relieved, my DD12 is - at the moment - excited about seeing her friends. Let's hope it stays that way!

Who was the gift from? Presumably it's someone who loves DD. I'd talk to them, explain the situation and let them choose someone else to use the ticket or go myself.