If you have more time at home, should you do more?

[oneofthoooose]

I don't want to out myself, so I will try to keep it a bit vague.

Let's say your husband was a surgeon and had mad working hours and barely time off. Say he was only at home, at the most, one day a week and out of the house until 9 pm every night at least. Would it be reasonable for him to expect Dinner on the table and the house /his laundry being taken care of whilst you're on maternity leave for example ? Or just working from home.

Curious !

Some people will probably say no but I think yes. On the days I have to work late or my commute takes ages and my husband is working from home or not working/ finishing early etc then he will have food ready or stick on a wash.
I think the normal thing to do in a loving relationship is to support the other person when you can. So if one person has a lot more free time than the other it makes sense to chip in more with things like housework so both partners can have a more similar amount of free time as each other.
If I am working from home or finishing at 5pm and my husband is back at 9pm then it would just feel shitty to me to sit with my feet up while he starts his own dinner or separates out his own laundry.
I don’t think the person who works less should be a slave but equally if the other person has less free time because they have a more demanding job, particularly one that funds most of the household it is surely normal to help them out?

Yes, if you're home more you should do more. It would be illogical to expect someone who's away working 12 hours, 6 days a week to do more in the home when they aren't physically present.

In the extreme situation you describe, yes, probably. Assuming he didn’t use to work the same mad hours and do 50% of all housework and his own laundry pre-child, that is.

Yes

I think it does make sense as you're physically there more. It just can be tricky when also looking after very young children.

I would say yes. Obviously if someone's working long hours from home then it's different but generally if someone's at home and has spare time when they're not working then it makes sense they'd do these things. My DH is not a surgeon but works the kind of hours you describe. I only work 17 hours per week from he so I do the cooking, laundry etc. I think it's fair.

I mean - if when you were both working and no on maternity leave, you had a cleaner for the surgeon’s 50% share of housework m, a laundry service etc., then it would be unreasonable not to carry that on during maternity leave. But must situations are more nuanced!

If they’re not physically present am not sure how they could do more tho
is it reasonable to expect dinner on the table / laundry done ? If that’s unappreciated / taken for granted then yes it’s unreasonable - does your partner cook on weekends / when they have free time etc?

Our policy is equal resources including free time. If you're looking after young kids you do as much as you can but he has to accept sometimes that's bugger all. I strongly recommend having a freezer drawer full of cook meals for Those Days.

Maternity leave is not shorter working hours, so in the example you've given YABU.

Yes but they should help prep and plan for the week ahead on their day off.

If they WFH though, not a chance I’d be doing all the laundry and all the housework! Any FT worker at home gets the chance in a screen break to put the washing machine on, unload a dishwasher, set off a robot vacuum or wipe a sink after washing their hands.

When I was working on the wards I would leave at 6.45 and get home at 21.00/22.00, my husband would always have a meal ready and the kids would have had dinner bath and in bed. Most mornings while I was getting ready he would do me breakfast, I can’t remember how the washing was done but we all had clean clothes so I assume he done that aswell. On my days off he worked longer hours so I automatically cooked and cleaned, it was a complete non issue.

These threads always puzzle me as I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to make your partner/husband/wife a meal when they had been at work all day and you had been home.

Yes if you're at home more and not working and your other half is working long hours out of the house then of course whoever is at home would do more.

I would expect to do all the childcare and housework as he is not there. I would try and have dinner organised, sometimes that might mean having a pizza available for him to put in oven or leftovers in the pot for him to heat up. Rather than walking in to a meal at the table.

Ideally yes, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way.

But who said I don't want to do that ?

I occasionally find it hard to juggle everything and get berated if a takeaway is late because I ordered it too late.

I just get sad that sometimes when it falls short, I get it thrown in my face that it's never even good enough anyway.

I am looking after two young children and struggling with PND and he knows that. So why are there no thank yous and only complaints when I've dropped the ball once in a while ?

In the example you've given, if I was on mat leave or WFH then I'd definitely expect to be doing most of the stuff at home. I'd be cleaning and doing laundry anyway, so no big deal to do my partner's also. Meal on the table? Depends on what time they're coming home, but if it didn't clash with bath/bedtime or was after I'd gone to bed then yes, I'd be doing that too if I could. Otherwise maybe prep something in a slow cooker that he could help himself to.

It would all depend on circumstances though. If my husband was out until 9pm at night, 6 days a week because he was volunteering for extra work to avoid being at home and sharing the load, then I'd probably not be so accommodating.

Well your update adds more info that wasn't in your original post. If you have two small children and PND then you're both struggling with your loads. Your husband should not be throwing it in your face if things go slightly awry occasionally.

Then why the dramatic drip feed? What are you hoping to get out of the thread?

Your original question ‘is it reasonable for a someone working early-9pm 6 days a week to expect food when they come home and to not do 50/50 housework?’ Of course that isn’t unreasonable. If one person is working more house it doesn’t make sense for them to do an equal split at home.

However, a totally different scenario ‘is it reasonable for your partner to shout at you because you ordered a takeaway ‘late’? Obviously not and I’m sure you know that.

I worked 9am to 3pm and did all the school runs. (Ex) DP left at 7am and go home at 6pm. I did all the cooking during the week and a lot of the daily type cleaning. However, if he 'expected' me to 'put his dinner on the table' he would have got a tin of dog food. But he didn't, he'd understand if something wasn't done. He always put the kids to bed (bath/story time).

I’d think it goes without saying. Doesn’t matter whether the OH is a surgeon or a sales assistant at Tesco’s. If they’re out of the house working long shifts, there’s no way they can physically do more anyway.

Whoever’s at home should be the one doing everything needed. Regardless of whether you’re looking after kids or not

Yes, absolutely. You pull together on a relationship/ marriage.

There have been times where DH has had to do more at home because of my work, and times I have had to do more.

Effectively single parenting two young children is very tough. If I was in your situation and partner had a relatively good job like surgeon, i think I’d use some of the income to buy extra childcare to compensate for his absence.

@luxxlisbon if you ask the other question First and then give context, everyone says how useless the husband is, hence I asked it the other way around !