If you have more time at home, should you do more?

[oneofthoooose]

I don't want to out myself, so I will try to keep it a bit vague.

Let's say your husband was a surgeon and had mad working hours and barely time off. Say he was only at home, at the most, one day a week and out of the house until 9 pm every night at least. Would it be reasonable for him to expect Dinner on the table and the house /his laundry being taken care of whilst you're on maternity leave for example ? Or just working from home.

Curious !

Well yes, the person at home the most will end up (or should) doing more.

I'd expect it to be 50/50 when he's at home. But if you're in mat leave or working and he's not about them yes, you'll do more. As for his tea on the table, I'd make sure I played him something up, but it would be left in the microwave and he'd expect him to wash his dishes up

I think it depends on what you're doing at home. If you're working from home, then you need to focus on working, but you might have time to do bits and pieces at lunchtime and/or in the time that you would otherwise spend commuting etc. If you're at home caring for a newborn baby, then similarly, you won't get much done. Personally, I think it's perfectly doable to get stuff done around the house with older children though.

Bottom line is, both parties should feel like it is a fair division of labour. If one party feels that they're doing more than their fair share - whatever the split actually looks like - then it is likely that resentment and conflict will follow.

Your DH is being unreasonable.

Yes I think it's more than reasonable to do the, the day to day house chores, laundry and meals if you are home all day, I have 3 children 1 a new born and do all the school runs, meals, laundry etc, I save deep cleans for a weekend or some of the bigger jobs. In not a maid, im a mum first and I don't mind keeping on top of the house and washing etc but I can't do it all, all the time. When my baby naps I also have a rest. Working people are entitiled to an hours lunch break and rest and so am I ✌🏻

However if the house is a shithole on his return from work or tea wasn't on the table my husband wouldn't be bothered, he would just help to get the situation rectified, I don't think it's reasonable for it to be 'expected' to do it all everyday as obviously children especially babies don't care you need to make a meal for a certain time or whatever 😂 so it's not always as black and white.

It really depends on the job and the baby.

DH worked crazy City hours when I was on mat leave with DD1. But DD1 was one of those very high needs babies for her first 4-5 months - born premature, wouldn’t feed, screamed a lot, would only sleep either in a rapidly moving buggy or being held upright, hated the sling etc etc.

DH would get home at 9pm and make dinner, it was sometimes the first food I’d had since breakfast.

He fully acknowledged that I had it harder.

I also believe there are some people (men mainly) who work longer hours than they really need to, or their family really needs them to. For example workaholics, or whose job is their hobby, or involves lots of socialising which they go to more than they need to. In those cases I don’t think long hours at work equals a right to expect domestic duties taken care of. They are choosing to work long hours for their own benefit not the family’s.

Your DH’s attitude sounds shit regardless of what is technically fair tbh. A bit of gratitude wouldn’t go amiss.

So he’s another man who believes that by having a baby, his life should be easier than that of a single guy?

Both your working hours are probably not that different, assuming you are doing the night shift with the kids as well as the day shift, so he's being a bit of shithead really, isn't he?
That aside, the person at home is going to be the one emptying the dishwasher and folding the washing and all the day to day jobs, no getting away from that.
If he's a surgeon or equivalent I'd be buying in help though. What's the point of the Big Important Job if your wife is on her knees?

Before your drip feed I was going to say that of course the person at home woukd do more. But if that person is doing all the childcare and/or working as well, there's a good chance that things won't always all be done or done perfectly and that therefore in such a situation I would expect the surgeon to be understanding of that.

Clearly your h does not fit the above. What you do for food is often what I do when dh is working evening shifts. I am not sure which of us woukd be more gobsmacked if it was suggested that an actual meal, timed.to be cooked and hot as he arrives, is the only option!!!

Many doctors and surgeons are so used to everything being organised perfectly around them at work that they forget what real life is like. He needs to remember. Otherwise he might find he doesn't have one any more.

@withiceplease has it.

It's team work , not tat-for-tat, as that way lies resentment.

That being said , your following post doesn't sound great.

Yes, you're a team and a good team operates in a way that means you have one another's backs. Small children aren't machines and some days they will be more demanding and need more attention. You can't predict when this will happen!

Nope.
I'd like to say if this were my DH I'd have food made etc ONLY if my children were old enough that they didn't require my constant supervision.
If any of the children are under 3 then sack that, it's too hard to organise cleaning/food/managing tiny mad people.

You can't expect him to do lots when he's home as surely you want family time, however he also can't expect you to dedicate all of your time to child rearing/cleaning/cooking unless this was an arrangement you wanted