If you have more time at home, should you do more?

[oneofthoooose]

I don't want to out myself, so I will try to keep it a bit vague.

Let's say your husband was a surgeon and had mad working hours and barely time off. Say he was only at home, at the most, one day a week and out of the house until 9 pm every night at least. Would it be reasonable for him to expect Dinner on the table and the house /his laundry being taken care of whilst you're on maternity leave for example ? Or just working from home.

Curious !

You’ve drip fed that’s he’s a tw@t so YANBU after your update

What’s changed that’s suddenly my made him this way or if he’s always been like this decide how long you’re going to put up with it for

Just cross posted with the drip feed…

I’m still wfh, DH works long hours out of the house. As I no longer have a long commute I’ve taken on completely the cooking, cleaning and general stuff during the week. I couldn't just shut my laptop and chill out on the sofa until he got back.

Our DDs are young adults though so that’s a bit different. Only one at home now.

Yes.

In comparison to say a surgeons job and the working hours you describe anyone who is on ML or a STAHP should Be picking up all of this. For me parenting and House work and "life admin" is far far easier than my actual job. If I can't stick a wash on or sort dinner then there is something wrong

The fact he complains if you are late ordering a takeaway is a different matter and he's a dick for that sort of thing but then again he's saving lives in a job that I would have zero understanding of the life and death pressure so could maybe understand if he was pissed that his dinner wasn't ready at the end of his working day

But only you know really - you've obviously changed some of the details and your DH isn't a surgeon so saying with any certainty he is being unreasonable or not is difficult

It's just frustrating because he picks up on the one time I dropped the ball. Never on All the times i work hard to do it all.

Ok I missed your update. That’s very different and he sounds nasty. DH is grateful for what I do at home, enabling him to concentrate on his business.

DH works triple my hours so I do the home stuff mainly.
I'm in bed now with cold/flu though and he's on the way back from Glastonbury. The house is a dump and there's no dinner as I feel too rough to go downstairs and look in the freezer. He won't turn a hair and will go and buy me more lemsip from the garage.
It's working as a team in a relationship and being reasonable

Before I read your update I was going to say that yes it's ok to expect more, evened out over time

However if your children are very young then I think no one can really expect anything, we certainly found that they were cranky in the evenings and things like cooking where you can't easily do it while holding a child and they wont be put down, were very difficult when they were under 18 months.

It's also something that happens organically and evens out over time. And by that I mean yes he can expect someone to take on the bulk of the cooking if you're at home but expecting a hot meal on the table at a certain time, or s favourite shirt washed and that kind of thing is unrealistic with young children.

You're presumably at home to look after young kids, not just because you dont fancy pulling your weight, and he should be pleased that you are helping him out by doing his share of his household chores, not having a go like You're a paid employee who has fallen short of meeting their expected targets.

Also even if your set up is more traditional where one person does home and one does work...there is a certain amount of being thankful for what the other person does...and this works both ways. If he wants it where you both have to live up to each others standards then youd be within your rights for having a go at him for not doing better in his last review or not reaching promotion quick enough.

If he is a surgeon my bet is he is used to barking out orders at people at work and have people running around after him and he isnt grasping that the same hospital hierarchy doesnt apply at home, at home you are meant to eb equal partners

Also if he was single he would have to organise his own bloody washing and food - having a job with long hours doesn't exempt you from any household tasks

Not really, your husband isn’t useless because he doesn’t do 50/50 housework when he is out of the house until 9pm working 6 days a week.
If is a dick if he behaves as you described in your follow up post.
That doesn’t change the fact that the person at home should do more, is merely raised the issue of why you are with him if he doesn’t respect you or treat you well.

When I'm at home more, I do more. It makes sense, as we can then enjoy our time off together.

However, on mat leave there isn't necessarily any time off! It really depends on how the baby is on any given day. Some days there might be a dinner ready, some days there might be something in the freezer, some days it's "pick up a takeaway in your way". So it wouldn't be reasonable to expect a dinner on the table by virtue of the fact that they were out all day. You could have worked twice as hard at home!

It's never acceptable to shout at another person (imo)

I think I'm just having a hard day. Just frustrating how it's Never picked up on when I do get everything done.

I think from about 3 months into a new baby I was able to get on with laundry and cooking during the day. Didn't do it all and didn't enjoy it but I could do basics. How was it before the baby? Can you afford any help?

Because he's not a nice person.

You're going to get loads of answers based on your OP, which is very frustrating because the actual issue is this; he's not your boss and you aren't an employee. He doesn't get the 'berate' you or bring up times you haven't managed your job performance because, remember, he's not your boss.

Normal nice husbands do what DH used to do (and only informed me afterwards!). Come in, look at the state of dinner and the state of the place, assess wife's probable state, pitch in accordingly. If the kitchen was a bomb site, I was frazzled and there was no dinner, he would grab DD, tell me to sit down and finish up himself. Most of the time there was dinner. But if there wasn't, that meant I'd had a hard day.

You're unfortunately married to a wanker.

The thing is with being home with small kids, it's unpredictable. Sometimes it's quite chilled and you can get stuff done, other times it's a shit show and you're constantly holding a crying baby. Not to mention the exhaustion if you're up in the night.

Expecting everything done and dinner on the table every time is unfair. Especially with pnd added in the mix. You're not an employee with a job description.

When I was home with the kids I did my best, sometimes that was keeping us all alive and sane and sticking a microwave meal in. Other times it was a tidy home, kids tucked up in bed and a home cooked meal.

My husband was appreciative in either scenario as he saw me as a partner and someone he loved not a recalcitrant employee with a set of tasks to tick off.

I'm keeping on top of things most of the time. Just occasionally Dinner isn't ready or I'll be putting my toddler to bed and will have left stuff on the side for him, but he needs to make his own salad and is annoyed. He wants it all ready. Other times I'll have left pasta sauce and a pot of cook water plus Pasta left on the side for him to cook when he gets in. That's also too much effort. Say if I have managed to get newborn and toddler to sleep and I've fallen asleep with them.

In that case I think he's being very unreasonable. He's got a tough job but so have you. He gets to leave his work at the end of the day

Yes if one is home alot more than the other person they should do more of the house work. But in your situation, your DH is unreasonable for expecting 100% maid service on top of looking after two young children. You aren’t a robot and some days he’ll need to sort food etc for himself. Operating a microwave or fishing some salad out of the fridge isn’t hard or time consuming. Looking after two young children whilst suffering PND is an uphill struggle.

It doesn't seem like he sees you as an equal, he seems to see you as staff. Could you get any help. Is he on surgeon level pay? If he is then a cleaning lady, nanny etc would help. It should be 50/50, when it veers away from that due to unequal working hours etc then it should be discussed how that inequality will be handled e.g. his 50% being done by staff (paid not you!)

On a separate note, but probably quite important with your post, are you making sure you're protected financially? Do you have joint finances, is that side of things equal? Do you have an equal amount of personal spending money each month, savings etc? Is your house in joint names? You obviously don't have to answer all of this on here. It's important for you to look into and consider.

I'm not for a second suggesting that this in itself is marriage ending, just that you should always have this protection in mind, especially as he doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would even consider it. I think somehow he needs to be educated in why his attitude is wrong. There is a difference between you willingly taking on this role (or did you fall into it, as is often the case) with him being understanding when things don't go to plan and the behaviour you've explained. He needs to understanding that you're role looking after the house enabled him to do his job as he isn't having to do all the childcare etc. That's certainly how the courts view it. I wonder if some sessions with relate or similar might help him understand.

Definitely worth trying to communicate this to him and I guess showing him what it's like if he won't listen. Could you leave him to look after the kids for the weekend (and expect a meal cooked for when you arrive home on Sunday night at 9pm?)

Your first and second posts are two totally different things, and you need to tell him to wind his fucking neck in, because there'll be no dinner sitting waiting on any night if you divorce his arrogant arse.

OP before judging. Just consider that the “stay at home partner” may have some mental health issues that they haven’t disclosed.

in 2019 I was so mentally broken there’s no way I could have done all the housework. I could barely look after myself. And I know people judged me for being “lazy” but they didn’t know the full story.

DH was absolutely incredible and worked FT too.

just saying that’s all x

Ooops I got distracted between typing and posting and didn’t read the update 😂

he sounds like an arse OP

First post - you should try do more as the person at home I WFH and do more of the house hold stuff because I am here more. But DH does do a decent amount, he also works long hours.

Your updates - your DH is a prick! You need to tell him minding children is a full time job and that you can't just schedule them in for later on.

If I did just my own washing and cooked just my own food then expected him to do all his own stuff we wouldn't be a married couple, we would be flatmates. He would come in and have to do all his chores from 9pm onwards and I'd never see him. Also, neither of us would ever be running a full load of washing which would be wasteful.

Well, I think the person at home should do as much as they can. But if they’re working and/or looking after children and can’t manage everything then the other person needs to work with them to find a solution.

pay for a cleaner maybe?
batch cook and let them heat it up when they want to eat?