To message the other woman?

[inhellyesterday]

I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now. I'm 25 and he is 22, we see each other about twice a month and have been on a few holidays together. However, he told me last night that he has been cheating on me with a 30 year old woman from him work, I suppose that's the only decent thing he has done was telling me but I knew something was up. He was becoming very distant etc. He doesn't want to continue our relationship but claims the relationship with this woman is 'purely sexual' and he doesn't want a relationship with her. But I wouldn't be surprised if they were to become an item.

I'm heartbroken and beyond furious. I know my anger should be at him but she is 30 and a mother, she knew about me and also likes almost all of our pictures on social media of me and him together whilst she was shagging him. What is all that about? Also what does a 30 year old mother want with a 22 year old boy? WIBU to message her telling her exactly what I think of her and then just block them both? He's heard what I have to say.

Same reason a 22 year old wants a relationship with a 30 year old, it's wrong to cheat, but nothing wrong with the relationship.

Are you?

What you think of her attractiveness is irrelevant. He cheated on you, not her. You’ll look like an idiot if you hound her on text and socials. Move on, he’s clearly an arse.

Also what does a 30 year old mother want with a 22 year old boy?

you're angry. That’s fine. But your language here is appalling. And in subsequent posts. You need to look at all the internalised misogyny that is affecting your behaviour.

a 30 year old mother. And 22 year old boy? Boy? Why would you describe your partner as a boy? Your infantilising him. And you're implying a mother should do what exactly? Go home and spend every minute with her child? Only see men whose girlfriends are less attractive than they are because how dare a mother be attractive to a man?

back to how shit he is. He was becoming distant because he wanted to end your relationship but was too immature to do it himself. He had no need to tell you he was sleeping with someone else. He told you to make sure it was final and your anger would be displaced. He didnt do a decent thing telling you. He did an immature thing. A decent thing would have been to admit to you the relationship was over when he started going distant. Do not mistake him telling you about an affair with doing the decent thing.

I was with a 42 year old man when I was 21. We stayed together for a few years. It's horrible that he cheated but she and her age are irrelevant.

You only know what he's told you.

She may have thought you were also in an open relationship and totally okay with both of you sharing this guy. She might not have known that you didn't know about her.

The only one to blame is him - he (presumably) promised you exclusivity and then broke it.

Their age gap isn’t wrong.

She’s done nothing wrong.

You say ”I’m more attractive than she is” but jealousy is an ugly trait.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You think your more attractive. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe looks aren't everything

You've only been together a year. Just walk away and hold your head high

That 22 year old boy is a man actually OP, and he's telling you that he doesn't want a relationship. There's nothing here to do or say, walk away. Sometimes men are lovely and sometimes men are garbage, but him wanting sex with older, probably more experienced women is his thing. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Just move on. Neither of them are worth any more of your time or energy wasted on them. Prove yourself more mature than the 30 year old and walk away.

sorry you have to go through this. They deserve each other, horrible people.

she knew about me and also likes almost all of our pictures on social media of me and him together whilst she was shagging him.

Maybe she's desperate. I think most women would find a man who is clearly in a relationship with another woman pretty off putting instead of liking their photos but this has clearly not applied here. Poor boundaries, the pair of them. Its pretty shocking when this sort of thing happens to you though.

Once a cheat, always a cheat, so he will probably do the same again. She's done you a favour really.

Your boyfriend is a plank. Forget about him and move on. Don't go messaging the other woman. If you absolutely have to don't say anything about her age/ being a mother/ or you are better looking than her. You will come across as a cow. Remember everything can be screen shot these days and put online!

The age thing as well, would it be better if she was younger than you? Would you feel better if she was a super model? I'd guess no is the answer. He is a prick who would have cheated and did when he got the chance.

Your attitude to the OW woman and obsession with her age is something you do need to look at. What makes you more attractive in your eyes than the other woman is irrelevant. There is no set system that decides who is more attractive than another person. Beauty, chemistry and an connection is intangible.

Your anger should be towards him. Move on. Let go.

I know you're angry, but work on your own self esteem without pulling other woman down and setting expectations of how a 30 year old and a mother should behave - and without pitting your perceived levels of attractiveness against each other. It's not a competition.

Yes maybe they both did you wrong, but that's a character flaw in both of them. Rise above them x

The problem is she really isn’t ‘the other woman’. You are not in a committed relationship with someone. You are not married. It’s two young people with a long distance thing. It’s not working as he is choosing to have sex with other people. Why you would embarrass yourself by contacting other women he chooses to be with us beyond me. What he is offering is obviously not the sort of relationship you are after so why not just call it quits and focus on finding someone aligned with what you want?

A year is 12 months, meet twice a month, that's 24 days/year. Gone on a few holidays together, let's add 4 weeks to this, so you've been together for about 70 days. She works with him, so that's 5 days/week, so 20 days/month. If they've worked together for 3 months, that's already 60 days... If they've met during the weekend here and there... See where this is going? They have a relationship, you had a f*ck buddy...

What would you gain? She knew about you and did it anyway. She clearly sees nothing wrong in what she has done so any notion of her begging your forgiveness should go out the window.

I had some sympathy for you to start with but reading your subsequent posts, you actually don't sound like a very nice person. I had a 21yo FWB when I was late forties. I guess that's pretty disgusting in your eyes but we had a lot of fun while it lasted and he pursued me at the beginning.

Being cheated on is shit, but you need to have a look at yourself here too. And long distance relationships rarely work out, maybe look for someone your age close to home.

There is so much more to a relationship than being attractive, or thinking yourself 'more attractive' than someone else. There may be a hundred reasons why he chose her over you. Or maybe he doesn't want to be committed yet. Either way, just move on.

Don't bother.

The issue is with him. It really doesn't matter what she thinks.

He's not a boy hes a man and an 8 year gap at the age is nothing.

He's to blame not her.

This shows immaturity ? Not an attractive quality
Move on, leave them to it
Keep your dignity

You are focussing on what she has that you don't, namely an additional 5 years in age, rather than his cheating. If you base all your relationships on out competing other women then men will be able to tell you anything to undermine your confidence.

Messaging her won't help you and if she was already liking photos of you and your boyfriend she won't feel bad either. Are you hoping she will say something to make you feel better? She doesn't have the power to do that. Being cheated on and a relationship ending hurts, only acceptance can help you feel better and acceptance takes time.

Rant to your friends, write them both letters telling them what you think of them, be as unpleasant as you like but burn the letters, don't send them. Do nice things for yourself, caring for yourself builds self worth.

He cheated, you deserve better. It will take time to believe you dodged a bullet but you have.

I really felt for you with being cheated on, I've had it happen to me too and its awful. I felt angry at the woman too.

BUT your comments about her age and being a mother is disgusting. Especially on a forum which is mostly mothers. I'm in my early 30s and a single Mum, I get a lot of interest from younger men. They love a MILF. Its a common fantasy.

Get some dignity and walk away.

I feel for you being cheated on that totally sucks

But agree with pps your subsequent posts show a lack of maturity and internalised misogyny and a lack of understanding on how the world and relationships work.

I'm almost 50 I've always dated, had relationships and had fwb situations with younger men that's always been my preference, some have been much younger esp the fwb, 15, 20 years younger at times. They were mature adults who knew exactly what they were getting into.

I'm also a larger woman which under westerns beauty standards may not now be considered conventionally attractive (though I was when younger)

Attractiveness is not ONLY based on looks, it's based on personality, chemistry, connection too. Plus some people prefer larger women my brothers best friend is very attracted to larger women he's tall slim and "gym fit" himself, his first wife was 24+ dress sizes while they were together his 2nd wife is at least a size 30 and they have an amazing relationship.

If you think conventional beauty standards are all that matters you will be repeatedly disappointed attractiveness is far more complex than that.

Kindness and confidence are HUGELY attractive.

Leave them be they know what they did nothing you say will make an iota of difference to their conscience or any guilt they may feel.

Move on, work on ACTUALLY building your self esteem rather than basing it mostly on looks (which fade - quickly!) and address your internalised misogyny too, perhaps through some therapy?