Would you stay in a relationship for this reason?

[unsurewhattodo22]

NC for this.

In a nutshell, I am deeply unhappy in my relationship with my partner and I am trying to decide whether my reasons for staying are crazy or fair enough.

We have a young child together (under 2). Since the birth of our child we have struggled to reconnect. Previously I felt close to my partner emotionally and out sex life was amazing. Now, we don't even share a bed and we are permanently exhausted from dealing with night wakings and both working FT. Everything is a constant juggle and we just never have time to spend 5 minutes together to reconnect and remember who we were as a couple. There's frequent bickering and I honestly some days just can't stand the sight of him. I don't feel that he's emotionally supportive (I often sit and cry alone in the bedroom while he's downstairs), I don't feel that I "know" him like I used to, I don't feel that he listens or is interested when I try to talk about how sad I feel about the loss of the relationship... there's just no connection, and as far as I can see, no way of getting it back.

BUT. Financially and practically, I'd be screwing myself over if I walked away. I have a good job, relatively good salary. But by myself with childcare costs etc, I'd find myself struggling (I've done the maths before and it's not great). In addition to that we split the night wakings with our toddler currently (part of the reason for separate beds, so at least one of us is getting sleep at any one time). But if I was a single mum I'd be doing them all and I know I'd struggle to function like this, as my job is one where mental alertness is critical. It could jeopardise mine or others' well-being if I wasn't fully on the ball every day at work (at the moment I can wing it as I get some nights of full sleep due to splitting it with partner). Please don't suggest sleep training - we've tried some mild forms of it and it just has not worked for us.

My main question is: should I stay with my partner purely because he is a good, hands on Dad and being with him makes my life financially and practically more feasible; or should I cut my losses and walk away, struggle financially and practically, but have a chance at emotional happiness?

I hope this makes sense. Thanks for to any thoughts.

You would’t do all the night wakings as, presumably, your DF would want the child 50% of the time.

*your DP

I think you should both try counselling first before throwing in the towel. You don’t really seem to have any solid reasons for separating, having a young child is bloody hard on a relationship.

From my experience I would say to anyone looking at their relationship like this to do a list of what the person they are considering.leaving brings to the relationship. What if these are dealbreakers and what can be lived with and can/ may be able to be restored.

In your situation though it sounds like the stress of the young child is taking a toll certainly on you, probably on him. You both work full time - could one of you reduce to part time? Even temporarily for a few years? Imagine you (or him) on their deathbed - would you say I wish I had worked full time/ taken a second job or would you say I wish I had spent more time with the bairn?

@KangarooKenny

He wouldn't be able to do 50/50 because of his working hours. He starts and finishes work most days before and after childcare opens and closes. Hence I am the one doing drop offs and pick ups as my job is typical 9-5 hours with some flexibility.

Sleep deprivation is a relationship killer imo.
Try and get your dd in her own bed. See if things improve.

It’s hard to be objective about your relationship when you are both sleep deprived. I agree with 00, can you arrange some counselling or maybe get a babysitter so you can have some quality evening time together?

I think it sounds like the stress of a young child and the exhaustion that goes with it. I have had these thoughts myself about DP but have thought in my case its not worth leaving. Our son is now sleeping better and we are feeling more like a couple again.

I think the pp suggestion of counselling is a good one. Also do you have any support nearby? Would you be able to get a babysitter and have even an evening out where you can spend some time together to try and reconnect.

Cross posted with @Darkstar4855 and said the exact same thing

Thanks everyone. We don't have family nearby but we could look for a regular babysitter I guess so we can have an evening out. I honestly don't even know how to talk to him anymore without it being about our child. How sad is that. 😓

Long term those aren't reasons to stay together, but they aren't really your reasons.

You obviously had a good relationship only a short time ago and this very stressful pase of life is taking its tool. This is what happens, life goes up and down. You're both exhausted, would you be enjoying any relationship in these circumstances?

You really need to get the sleep sorted (that won't improve if her parents split). It will be hard, really hard for a few days, but so so worth it for all of you.

It sounds like a relatively normal relationship when you have kids TBH. We are in same boat with 1 year old twins. I'd always prioritise keeping a family together and working through the issues before just upping sticks and leaving. Can you co sleep? This saved us with our oldest? Family members able to babysit the odd weekend day so you can go out together and reconnect?

I would not make any long-term lasting decisions whilst chronically sleep-deprived.

Why are you crying a lot? When you argue is he mean to you, or is it “just” exhaustion and low-level unhappiness? Does he agree your relationship is on the rocks?

Looking back this is one of THE worst times of a marriage - life has been great and then this stage. It seems your lives are just focused on this one child and when you don't get the connection with your partner it can all go downhill. Accept this is the case and talk about it and try to get the sleep sorted. Your physical connection is important. It is just a stage but a hideous one.

I would stay for now. Reassess in a year to two. The baby/toddler lack of sleep stage is really difficult especially if you are working too.

Young kids are stressful and totally change the balance of a relationship, especially with sleep deprivation thrown in there.

I can't stress enough how sleep deprivation can completely cloud your life.

Counselling would be a good initial step (either together or separately) get the baby sitters in, do whatever you can to get into a better sleep rhythm with your DC (I'll not comment on this as requested, but try whatever you can). Could you drop a day or half day from work, to catch up on sleep/catch up or breath a bit?

Try these things as a first step. Good luck x

I left my partner for similar reasons when DC1 was less than 1. We’re back together now and many years past it and in hindsight it was temporary factors such as the ones you describe that were the issue. Does your partner know that you’re thinking of leaving and if he committed to making things better would you do the same? If not, tell him. Try everything to make it better before you throw in the towel.

you say don’t suggest sleep training. But it was one of the things that enabled us to salvage our relationship and DC1 is a great sleeper and a happier child because of it.

I’d sort out the night wakings first before you make any decisions. A sleep consultant would be cheaper than a divorce!

Your dc is so young. I'd tough it out. From your description it sounds like you had something worth saving. No one gets on in the early years of having dc. No wonder your sex life is shot. You aren't unusual apart from asking if you should leave. Most people hang on.

It sounds like you should at least try counselling.

I'm one of the first to rush and say leave but it's a bit soon here.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Just wanted to answer a few questions. Yes, my partner knows how I feel. He knows I'm at the point of wanting to leave. He knows why - I've told him everything I've said in my OP. That I don't feel connected to him anymore and I'm deeply unhappy etc. he finds it hard to hear, I think. He hears it as a personal criticism (which I make it clear it it not). He either shuts down and I get little response, or we end up arguing. There's no in between. A counsellor is a really good idea, my only concern is that we literally don't have time to see one every week! But we would have to make the time I suppose. I just feel really defeated.

Someone asked why I cry a lot. Honestly? Because I feel so desperately sad and alone so much of the time. I miss my partner, I miss our old lives, I just miss HIM. But he doesn't seem to feel it in the way I do (or he doesn't let on if he does). My heart is just breaking and that's why I cry so much. But like I say, I tend to cry alone because he just doesn't seem to understand or care much. 😓

They are good reasons to leave him.

But is now the right time? Don't rush into this when you're exhausted. We just can't think clearly when sleep deprived. Take your time.

When you argue is he mean to you, or is it “just” exhaustion and low-level unhappiness?

We've both told each other to fuck off in the heat of the moment. Both guilty of that. He's at his least supportive when I am upset and communicating that to him, either verbally or by crying. Essentially my point is that, when I express negative emotion through either words or tears, he withdraws. It's either stone coldness, silence, or he is just not very pleasant to me. I don't feel like he cares about me in the way he used to.

Does he agree your relationship is on the rocks?

Yes. But he says "but it's just because of the circumstances we are in, it won't be forever". He's vague and avoidant, and doesn't seem to be able to commit to any meaningful discussion of how we get it back, and what needs to be done.

Previously I felt close to my partner emotionally and out sex life was amazing. Now, we don't even share a bed and we are permanently exhausted from dealing with night wakings and both working FT.

You’ve identified the problem very succinctly.

Please don't suggest sleep training - we've tried some mild forms of it and it just has not worked for us.

The thing is, if you can’t or won’t address the solution to the problem (even though it’s hard) then you are making a choice.

It’s fine to make that choice - plenty of people do - but you have to be clear you are choosing to prioritise your child over your partnership/relationship at this moment in time. So you need to come to terms with the idea that this is temporary and it’s a choice (because you could sleep train and go back to sleeping in the same bed if you decided to.)

@NoSquirrels

We have attempted sleep training (I said so in my OP) - it wasn't successful for us.

X-posted with your latest posts.

How did you used to resolve disagreements? How did he used to react to conflict or emotional discussions?

Do you think you might be depressed?