Would you stay in a relationship for this reason?

[unsurewhattodo22]

NC for this.

In a nutshell, I am deeply unhappy in my relationship with my partner and I am trying to decide whether my reasons for staying are crazy or fair enough.

We have a young child together (under 2). Since the birth of our child we have struggled to reconnect. Previously I felt close to my partner emotionally and out sex life was amazing. Now, we don't even share a bed and we are permanently exhausted from dealing with night wakings and both working FT. Everything is a constant juggle and we just never have time to spend 5 minutes together to reconnect and remember who we were as a couple. There's frequent bickering and I honestly some days just can't stand the sight of him. I don't feel that he's emotionally supportive (I often sit and cry alone in the bedroom while he's downstairs), I don't feel that I "know" him like I used to, I don't feel that he listens or is interested when I try to talk about how sad I feel about the loss of the relationship... there's just no connection, and as far as I can see, no way of getting it back.

BUT. Financially and practically, I'd be screwing myself over if I walked away. I have a good job, relatively good salary. But by myself with childcare costs etc, I'd find myself struggling (I've done the maths before and it's not great). In addition to that we split the night wakings with our toddler currently (part of the reason for separate beds, so at least one of us is getting sleep at any one time). But if I was a single mum I'd be doing them all and I know I'd struggle to function like this, as my job is one where mental alertness is critical. It could jeopardise mine or others' well-being if I wasn't fully on the ball every day at work (at the moment I can wing it as I get some nights of full sleep due to splitting it with partner). Please don't suggest sleep training - we've tried some mild forms of it and it just has not worked for us.

My main question is: should I stay with my partner purely because he is a good, hands on Dad and being with him makes my life financially and practically more feasible; or should I cut my losses and walk away, struggle financially and practically, but have a chance at emotional happiness?

I hope this makes sense. Thanks for to any thoughts.

This is a 2 year old, not a 2 week old

She's not 2. She's 15 months.

Oh apologies, I misread. But 15 months is still fine for sleep training. Why not try a sleep consultant? It can't hurt and it might save your marriage.

From what you say there's a good bedrock of a relationship there and he's not a shit. Having a child absolutely drops a bomb on your relationship, it does for EVERY couple. Some manage to be brought closer together by it (Blitz spirit! 😆) but for most it will test your tolerance and affection for each other to the absolute limit and beyond. If the relationship was already a bit ropey in places (mine was) but being held together with, say, a good shared social life, great sex, etc etc (basically with things that will take a massive hit with the arrival of a baby) then it won't be long before you could both cheerfully kill each other.

They say not to make any major decisions about your relationship in the first year. You're now 2 years in so I suppose it's reasonable to be having these thoughts and considering your position. But it sounds like you're neither of you getting much sleep or free time yet. Is LO still breastfeeding? This is not to say you should stop (I didn't til our first was 2.5) but it can extend that period of high intensity, high demand, little sleep EXHAUSTION that makes it very hard to remember what you ever liked about the total dickhead BREATHING near you when you're so tired and on edge. So likewise you might want to give yourself the option of shelving this decision until both you and he are getting some rest on a regular basis and can reasonably expect when you put LO down that you won't see her again for at least 10 hours. Until then basic survival is more than enough for both of you to be getting on with.

Aaah she's not even two, my mistake. As you were! I would go so far as to say it is totally normal to hate your partner and wonder why you ever liked him at this age :P

This, I know a family that did this and it changed their lives

hanks everyone. We don't have family nearby but we could look for a regular babysitter I guess so we can have an evening out. I honestly don't even know how to talk to him anymore without it being about our child. How sad is that. 😓

Again normal I think. On the VERY odd occasion DP and I have managed to get out to the pub or somewhere (thank you MIL 😍) we have had the best conversations we have had in ages each time - no idea why, just being out of the house seems to stimulate some long lost memory of the Before times when we had no children to talk about so talked of other things! See if you can give it a go x

The first few years are very testing on a relationship once a child is born.
Everything changes and the changes become normal.

Can you ask a relative to babysit over night or a weekend and just get away somewhere together?

What’s realistic in terms of having some time off alone together? 1 evening a month? I weekend day every two months? Figure out a way to make a little bit of couple time happen. Maybe every couple of months you visit parents for a weekend and leave LO at theirs for an afternoon while you go have lunch together? Maybe you pay a babysitter once a month and go on a date.
This stage will pass. I can relate. Being really nice to each other helps (making each other coffee, taking DC to the park alone so the other can have some free time). Find someone outside of your relationship to talk to about whatever you need to get off your chest.

Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer! I (like many other people I think) hugely underestimated how much having a young child would impact our lives and our relationship, me and my husband literally limped though the no sleep phase, it was awful. we struggled to navigate our way through and I honestly a some points thought we wouldn't last - I had awful PND too, however we now have the most amazing little three year old who loves her sleep, we are back to our old selves, possibly even better than pre-child. I appreciate this might not be the case for you but try other things first, its a really tough time.

You mention you have done some mild forms of sleep training - is it something you feel comfortable enough to do properly? we used the ferber method and it was life changing for us.

You keep mentioning that you don't have time. I feel this is the common theme. You want things to be fixed or leave but no time to be allocated to it.
I honestly think that yous both need to look at your work/life balance and I know you didn't say sleep training but could you look at a sleep consultant.
Relationships take work (I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years) there has been times where we don't like each other, I've looked at my finances to see if it's viable to leave we've argued (he's not the best at communicating when he's stressed) and we've had to work at it.
Our child is nearly 3, I work part time with the odd extra shift (I do x2 13 hour shifts) and he works 9-5ish with flexi hours. If we both worked full time similar hours to yous it would be a struggle.

Also with regards to counselling - I spoke with my GP and was told there was an 18-24month waiting period, however I contacted a few charities and got 8 sessions through a charity. it was a zoom session too that you maybe able to do together after your child goes to bed?

I think this is something else that stings a lot of us too, I had that same idealistic view when I was pregnant and I was so excited - didn't ever factor in the hours and hours of laying on the bedroom floor of my 18mo child as she wouldn't go to sleep otherwise!! life changed dramatically fir us when that stopped.

Is you going part time for a short while an option? so you get a bit of a breather?

I know this is a bit sick making so sorry but another thing that can help is trying to identify your partner's love language and your own. You're trying to get him to show he cares about you my engaging in a conversation about the state of your relationship; it sounds like this is shutting him down and that on reflection it has always been this way - the he isn't into talking things out in the way you are. As a fellow talker-outer I know how heartbreaking that can be, you can feel so lonely living side by side with someone who doesn't seem to want to talk to you.

But are there other ways he shows his love? My partner is an 'acts of service' kind of person, which is unfortunate because I am colossally unobservant of my environment, but he's constantly going around doing things for the house and the family and when I remind myself to see and notice these things I can see he is expressing care in these ways. I had a lightbulb moment when one day I came out of the shower and saw he'd organised all my deodorant, moisturiser etc (stuff I just leave lying about on the dressing table) into a really nice little box on the dresser. I'd never have bothered to do it myself, wouldn't have cared. But he did it for me so I saw it and realised he wasn't just not bothered about me like I thought.

So sometimes I try and 'write against myself' a bit and instead of telling him I love him asking him about his day etc (things that would make ME feel loved but either mean very little to him or make him feel put on the spot) I'll get all the toys up off the living room floor while he's putting the eldest to bed so when he comes down it's neat - personally I'd just leave them out as they'll all be off the shelf again tomorrow, but I know he likes it that way and won't be able to relax until it's done. Likewise I'll let him know that I don't care if the kitchen's clean or the bins are put out or whatever, but I need him to give me a hug sometimes or let me witter on about what I'm thinking and try to be interested - because that's what makes me feel loved, even if he doesn't get it.

As everyone has said… you don’t have a relationship issue, you have a sleep issue. Time to try sleep training again, even if you have tried it before. If you’d tried potty training and it didn’t work you wouldn’t give up and walk away from your marriage, you’d wait and then try again. You’ve got this!

My DD was terrible at sleeping, refused to sleep in a cot at all. It would really frustrate me when people would suggest it was because I was doing something wrong and hadn’t tried a type of sleep training. I did everything, hired a sleep consultant, bought every possible product to support the sleep and she would NOT sleep in her cot.

People who have not experienced this, don’t get it. It is debilitating , my husband and I got absolutely no time alone together.

she is two now and a few months ago, it just got better. She is sleeping in her cot and DH and I get some time. To be able to eat dinner together, watch a TV show or just cuddle is amazing.

it will get better! This is a moment in time, it is not forever.

Also, you don't have to try sleep training again if you don't want to. My daughter was never sleep trained, and just started randomly sleeping through when she was about 3. I had to keep getting up and checking she was alive after three years of sleep torture! Youngest is also not sleep trained and has recently started going for much longer stretches at night, she's 17 months.

They're all different but very few kids don't eventually just start sleeping through. Sure sleep training can expedite this, and if you want to you can, but given you've tried gentle methods and it hasn't stuck I'm working on the basis it goes against your parenting values to leave your child distressed and withold the comfort you know she wants that you as parents can give - which is actually completely normal and natural and not some sort of derilection of duty.

Kids around the world wake up at night, are held and comforted, sleep in their parents' beds, whatever - and somehow they're not all turning out sociopaths or waking up all night into their teens. If it causes you all more upset to sleep train than it does to wait it out, you wait it out. And you're steps ahead because your husband is taking his turn and your daughter is OK with that, so no-one's doing without any sleep, which is great because then you'd have resentment to contend with as well!

From the way you talk about him it really doesn't sound like you want to leave him. It sounds like you've both just lost sight of yourselves and each other a bit in the whirlwind that is babyhood, and again that's normal. Try and get some low pressure time together, both try and support each other to get as much sleep as you can, go easy on each other and yourselves. It's bloody hard!

OK, that’s clearer - and it’s quite natural too.

Often there’s one person in a relationship who’s more practical, and one who’s more emotional. You crave his attention and to be emotionally buoyed up by him; he’s trying to give you practical rest, reassurance this is just how it is for now, and expending his emotional reserves on your child (as the most in need and vulnerable) and not you.

As another poster says, try to notice what he is giving. Try to reframe it. Then also see if you can make time within the constraints of a baby monopolising things - you can reconnect, but maybe you need to stop talking about needing reconnection and make some small plans toward it.

Oh, 15m is the worst! Crawling/walking all over but no common sense whatsoever, TV and toddler conversation is stilted and boring, the Baby's First milestones are mostly finished and we're all waking up from pandemic malaise. Please don't make any hasty decisions! Your husband is probably onto something when he says all this is temporary.

Thank you everyone, just catching up now. Especially @NoSquirrels and @MaybeIWillFuckOffThen - lots of really helpful advice there for me to ponder. This thread has helped me think differently about my situation, so thank you all.

You sound unhappy because you have a young child and you are both broken. I think you can get through this and heal

You sound so exhausted and likely depressed, that it would be near impossible for your relationship to be good at the moment.

I would definitely persevere for now, try to get some family support with the kids, and ideally go to counselling.

I’m sure your husband does still care for you, as he’s been upset about how you feel, but he’s probably finding life just as hard.

Give yourselves a break and try to get some quality time together. When you get some sleep and feel better in yourself, hopefully your feelings will return.