Would you stay in a relationship for this reason?

[unsurewhattodo22]

NC for this.

In a nutshell, I am deeply unhappy in my relationship with my partner and I am trying to decide whether my reasons for staying are crazy or fair enough.

We have a young child together (under 2). Since the birth of our child we have struggled to reconnect. Previously I felt close to my partner emotionally and out sex life was amazing. Now, we don't even share a bed and we are permanently exhausted from dealing with night wakings and both working FT. Everything is a constant juggle and we just never have time to spend 5 minutes together to reconnect and remember who we were as a couple. There's frequent bickering and I honestly some days just can't stand the sight of him. I don't feel that he's emotionally supportive (I often sit and cry alone in the bedroom while he's downstairs), I don't feel that I "know" him like I used to, I don't feel that he listens or is interested when I try to talk about how sad I feel about the loss of the relationship... there's just no connection, and as far as I can see, no way of getting it back.

BUT. Financially and practically, I'd be screwing myself over if I walked away. I have a good job, relatively good salary. But by myself with childcare costs etc, I'd find myself struggling (I've done the maths before and it's not great). In addition to that we split the night wakings with our toddler currently (part of the reason for separate beds, so at least one of us is getting sleep at any one time). But if I was a single mum I'd be doing them all and I know I'd struggle to function like this, as my job is one where mental alertness is critical. It could jeopardise mine or others' well-being if I wasn't fully on the ball every day at work (at the moment I can wing it as I get some nights of full sleep due to splitting it with partner). Please don't suggest sleep training - we've tried some mild forms of it and it just has not worked for us.

My main question is: should I stay with my partner purely because he is a good, hands on Dad and being with him makes my life financially and practically more feasible; or should I cut my losses and walk away, struggle financially and practically, but have a chance at emotional happiness?

I hope this makes sense. Thanks for to any thoughts.

In all honesty his natural style to disagreements or conflicts before we had a child was to avoid - he would either get angry quite quickly or jus walk out - there was no in between. Later when he had calmed down I would be able to engage him in a rational 2 way discussion, but he would always walk off or lose his temper initially before that was possible.

Yes - I do think there's a strong possibility i'm depressed.

I know, you said you’d done ‘some mild forms’ - that doesn’t sound like a committed effort because you’re at breaking point with exhaustion. And it’s fine to choose not to - I couldn’t sleep train mine ! But it is therefore a choice not to slee together (to manage the night wakings and exhaustion) which therefore affects intimacy and connection. When there’s not much time or togetherness in this busy period being in bed together with a cuddle every 24-hours is valuable.

I’m just trying to get you to reframe it. Your husband seems to think it’s not so bad, this temporary period that you’ll get through. But you are struggling with this choice that you’ve both made. It helps not to think that he’s the bad guy, but that the situation is the bad guy.

It does sound like you are depressed, see your GP, and hopefully you can keep the family together.

I think this is pretty normal for couples with young kids who don't sleep well. My dh and I were horrible to each other through the sleep deprivation years!

OK. So he wasn’t necessarily the most tuned in and emotionally open before having a DC. You ‘managed’ him. Now you’re managing a DC as well, and you’re asking for emotional support from him and he’s falling short in your eyes - perhaps because he’s putting that effort he used to put into you into your DC instead (you say he shares parenting, you haven’t complained about that aspect).

If you think you might be depressed, please see the GP and please have another think about sleep. Your DH isn’t being the support you crave, that is hard. But he’s probably struggling too but can’t discuss it/doesn’t know how to fix it for you so he’s bring avoidant. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

@NoSquirrels

No I have no complaints about his parenting - he is very hands on and just gets on with it. He's brilliant with our child, actually. It's me who I feel he doesn't care about or want to be around (which obviously really hurts). But I have no concerns about him as a father.

I have actually already seen my GP. Waiting for a referral for some support (I've been waiting a while). I'm not sure this the whole answer but maybe it will help.

I'm just starting to wonder if fundamentally we are no longer compatible and that it has taken a child to highlight this, if that makes sense?

I don’t think it sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible, more like the situation you are currently in makes it very hard to have a decent relationship. Your relationship with anyone else right now would be very unlikely to be any better.
You just need to get through this and come out the other end, sleep should start getting better soon with an kick. I couldn’t sleep train mine, I really did try. What we ended up with was both going to sleep in the same bed but one of us moving in the night when the baby/toddler woke up.
My children are older now and life is so much better. It’s hard to see it or feel it just now but it will honestly get better and I can’t see how separating could possible improve your life just now.

What you really need is a mum friend or two who also has a bad sleeper whom you can vent to and who can empathise with you. That’s what helped my sanity

Can relate. We have a nearly 4 year old who still doesn’t sleep. My DH and I are constantly sleep deprived. I am always moody, intolerant and snappy and he is quite calm and tries to keep the peace. We talk a lot though and dedicate alot of time to each other when we can.. evenings and weekends when DS is in bed we listen to music, talk about our day and have a beer etc.

Try and get a baby sitter or spend some time together when baby is asleep. I don’t think it’s about you and your relationship it’s about sleep deprivation and feeling like you’re just parents now as you’ve lost yourself.

Would you consider marriage counselling ?
Sounds like you need to reconnect. And if you can’t then you know the answer. But your child is so young that you owe it to them to try.

It's me who I feel he doesn't care about or want to be around (which obviously really hurts).

Why do you feel this - does he avoid spending time with you? Or is it just that you feel emotionally unsupported because he doesn’t want to talk? Have you tried to carve out couple time in the evenings e.g. watch a TV series together, eat a nice meal together etc.

he says "but it's just because of the circumstances we are in, it won't be forever". He's vague and avoidant, and doesn't seem to be able to commit to any meaningful discussion of how we get it back, and what needs to be done.

Have you suggested solutions (Let’s get a babysitter/Let’s make Friday nights a nice meal & give each other a massage/Let’s watch X together etc) or have you just told him you’re miserable and wanted him to discuss it and come up with solutions?

If he’s actively against any suggestions, that’s different to just not wanting to hash over problems. It might be you need to take a lead in finding the solution back to connection by practical action, rather than seeking connection by talking and wanting him to express his feelings.

I know it’s hard, been there got the sleep-deprived t-shirt. For a while we scheduled intimacy in a sort of unromantic way! So we’d say every Friday night he sorted dinner, I had a bath, we pulled out the sofa bed downstairs to feel a bit of separation from bad-sleeping baby upstairs, glass of wine, he gave me a massage and I gave him one, most times it ended in sex but sometimes just cuddling and we’d chat/listen to music/doze with a film on. Everything in life was scheduled once we had a baby and it wasn’t spontaneous but it did keep us connected- and we had some pretty tough times.

It’s hard to tell from your post if your husband isn’t committed to making things better or if it’s just you are not communicating effectively with each other - you don’t feel cared for, that’s clear, but how did he used to make you feel cared for? Is it totally gone or do you just need to recalibrate how you connect?

Hi @unsurewhattodo22
I’ve been here (still am to an extent) and god it’s hard isn’t it! Our child is under 2 and we have no family nearby so hardly get a minute together which makes intimacy so hard. Sleep training isn’t for us either so we haven’t done it. How big is your bed? Is your child in a crib or in bed with you? We looked at lots of options such as a floor bed or keeping our bed and having bed rails so that I can nurse to sleep then roll away and get out. We did the bed rails in the end and pop the camera on when I go downstairs. I get maybe an hour or two before I go to bed but it’s helping me reconnect with DH. We bedshare with our DD and it is the only way we get any sleep as she’s just not ready to sleep alone. It’s tough and there’s been many times I’ve thought that our marriage is in trouble and I can’t see if it will recover but we keep telling ourselves it’s just the season we’re in. We also try to have family days so even though we’re not alone together as DD is there, we are trying to do something enjoyable and connect. I like the Instagram account couples counselling for parents as they address loads of common problems and give you ways to try and say things that are gentle. Happy to chat if you need an ear OP ❤️

Is it possible that you both had different expectations of what life would be like with a young child and that is why he is struggling to understand your emotions? It seems he is trying to resolve practical matters - ensure you both have sleep, child is taken care of, sharing the caring responsibilities and has accepted that your relationship would need to evolve to manage this - more teamwork than romance. But that you long for your relationship as it was. You have listed some pretty lovely qualities about you DP so I wouldn’t rush into leaving. It does sound like you may be going through some deeper issues and I would suggest that all is not lost in your relationship.

It sounds as if you are overthinking some of this. Life as parents isn't 100% a bed of roses. Maybe you are disappointed with the reality?

If those are your reasons then I'd try counselling first and give it some time. The first few years after having s baby is hard and sleep deprivation really messes with your mind. With both your minds. Neither of you are at your best at the moment. It's not the best time to take a major decision.

@NoSquirrels

I think you are right - he's not against finding solutions, I think he's just not actively bringing any to the table and so I'm feeling that he's not interested but maybe I need to take the lead on suggestions etc. It's m hard to explain how he used to show that he cared but it was more a general sense of emotional availability- he showed interest in me and how I was, etc. That doesn't happen now so often, if at all. Like he would notice if I wasn't OK, and ask me about it, give me a hug etc. But now we are so absorbed in our little one and meeting her needs that there's no time for each other.

Quite possibly. I definitely had an idealistic view of what it would be like, I think. I didn't realise it would be SO hard, SO much of time. 😓

You have listed some pretty lovely qualities about you DP so I wouldn’t rush into leaving.

He has a lot of lovely qualities. That's why I miss the connection I used to have with him so much.

@Leodot

Sorry to hear you're going through similar, it's so hard isn't it. Thank you for the solidarity

I'm starting to think maybe counselling is the way to go ... just need to find the time!

I really sympathise and I was in a similar situation not so long ago. And if you’re like me, you don’t need counselling, you need sleep, but more than that, you need ‘you’ time or adult time. I honestly thought I’d tried everything with sleep training but we got a sleep consultant to help and for £150 - I have my life back.

God, sleep deprivation is a nightmare and means you probably are not thinking straight. Counselling sounds like a good plan, I believe it’s possible to do it remotely via computer which might make it easier.

good luck, it will get better.

This!

Neither of you are doing anything wrong, you still love each other, it seems crazy to split instead of directly addressing the main problem.

This is a 2 year old, not a 2 week old, sleep training is possible and it will actually benefit her as well to get a good night's sleep and have parents who aren't miserable and exhausted all the time.

Me and my DH went through a similar stage after becoming parents, really disconnected from each other and it felt like we didn't even know or particularly like each other anymore. Having a young child can put so much strain on a relationship esp when juggling working FT as well, I've been there. For us I found it took some time (I mean at least a couple of years) to adjust to our new life as parents and accept each other and our lives as they are now, and to adapt. Counselling sounds like a really good idea as honestly what you've described sounds like typical problems couples have when their lives are turned upside down by parenthood and sleep deprivation.

Sounds like you are both exhausted. Personally I think you'd be mad to leave at this point. Wait until DD's sleep is better and you are both better rested and more yourselves, then reassess. If you are still unhappy and disconnected, then leave, but do it with a clear head, not when you're clouded by sleep deprivation.