I was BU...should I apologise or leave it

[Cringeywingey]

Im sorry this is long and seems very petty. It has been bugging me for months so I would like some opinions. I know it seems silly.

I am an expat living overseas. I found out I was pregnant last year and found the medical system here confusing, especially as I don't speak the language very well.

I had the baby at a local hospital in February. When I was discharged, I was given loads of instructions for next steps I needed to take. I had to make different appointments in various hospitals for routine tests for the baby. I had loads of other beurocratic things to do too.

Driving here is quite intimidating so I just drive short routes that I'm familiar with ( I'm gradually expanding my repetoire, though). I had a c section so couldn't drive for the first 6 weeks anyway. This will make sense soon.

I have an acquaintance. Let's call her Carla. Carla could not have been more willing to help me when I got out of hospital. She lives across the road from the town hall, so met me there to help me register the birth. There were a few issues so I had to go back another time and she came back too. I thanked her profusely.

She said that I needed to go to another place to do some more 'baby admin' and offered to bring me. Its a 5 minute drive, so one day she took me and helped me to sort all of that out, too. Again I thanked her profusely, many, many times, in person and in text.

I had to make 2 follow up appointments for different hospitals but the phone line was really confusing. She offered to do it and said she was on hold for hours but just had the phone on loud speaker while she went about her day.

I was blown away by her kindness and again thanked her profusely. She left me a voice message telling me that I was very welcome, that she was happy to help with anything and to let her know if I needed anything at all or if I needed her to bring me anywhere. To be honest, I heard a bit of hesitation in her voice when she said that bit about bringing me anywhere.

My husband took me to the first hospital appointment at 2 weeks postpartum as he was still off on paternity leave. The other appointment was in a hospital that I didn't know or know how to get to, other than it was a 15 minute drive away.

I felt incredibly vulnerable in those early weeks. My c section scar took a very long time to heal, I was exhausted and felt very alienated from the services. Locals would tell me that even they found it a minefield to navigate the health care system, and couldn't imagine what it must be like for a foreigner to go through.

I started to get really anxious about how to get to the second hospital appointment (in march). I knew that while the 6 week mark had passed and I technically could drive, mentally I couldn't face it. I was also scared to get a taxi as I felt like I would struggle to manage the carseat in and out of taxis by myself as my wound still felt very tender. I kind of felt anxious about doing anything even slightly out of my comfort zone actually.

So in a moment of total emotional weakness, I sent her a voice message and asked her could she bring me. I said it in a way that she could easily make an excuse and get out of it. However, she listened to the message and never replied.

The days passed with no reply and suddenly I realised that I had pushed my luck. I met her a few times and she was much colder with me. Things were awkward and it was just far too embarrassing for me to address, to even apologise (and I generally have no problem apologising to people).

As it happened, there was a really easy bus route to the hospital but I had been too 'all over the place' to even check that out before asking for a lift. I went to the hospital with baby on the bus, and neither I nor Carla ever mentioned it ever again. What had seemed to be the start of a nice friendship, stopped abruptly.

I bought her a gift with a card thanking her for everything she did to help me. However, I realise I was out of order asking for another lift and feel like too much time had passed to say anything now. Things are polite and civil between us but there was a serious cooling off.

Would you bring it up now to apologise about asking her for yet another lift when she already did so much, or just leave it and accept the fact that I was an idiot who did thank her with a gift?

Don't lose a friendship over awkwardness. Just call her and say what you said in your post. She sounds really nice so I'm sure she'll understand!

I think if it depends if you’d like to be friends with her socially or not. If you don’t I’d leave it. If you’d like to develop a proper friendship I would just try and be friendly to her, ask her for coffee, but don’t ask for or accept any favours for the foreseeable future

Well I don't think you did anything wrong really. She had offered and if she was really a friend she wouldn't have minded helping you or she would have at least let you know that she couldn't.

I would just leave it be. I think she was the unreasonable one when ignoring your message.

I think she may be worried that renewing the friendship may mean she needs to offer more help. Perhaps it is a different issue that you're not even aware of.

I think you need to say what you say here and offer that if there is anything at all you can ever do for her, you'll be there. It's worth a shot. You haven't done anything awful, I'd try again, just the once.

I actually think she is being very unreasonable. Ok, maybe you were a little bit cheeky to ask-but honestly I would ask this of a good friend, and I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same for someone.
if she couldn’t or didn’t want to do it, she should have made an excuse. No need for her to go cold on you. You’ve thanked her enough, I’d let it go now.

She is actually moving away soon so there is no point in trying to reconcile any kind of friendship. I felt a bit humiliated to have been ignored like that. I do realise I was taking advantage of her kindness but I will say that I just felt really lost at that time. I feel completely back to normal and my usual plucky self now but feel so angry with myself looking back. I am it usually a CF and would never try to exploit someone ordinarily. I don't know why I'm still annoyed. I guess I hate that she thinks I was such a CF that I didn't deserve a reply. I worded the request in a way that she could have got out of it easily which makes it even more annoying.

Not usually a CF!!!

What's the country? Only reason I ask is if I wonder if it's Sweden or similar. I have a friend who moved there and I remember her explaining that their social rules and cultural norms follow some kind saying that translate to "not too little, not too much" or similar.

And I always wondered how it would feel if you weren't native to work out exactly what WAS too little or too much because it all seemed to be implied and not made explicit.

No way would I leave a struggling new mother on read when she'd been brave enough to ask for help, btw.

Leave it. I don't think you were unreasonable, it wasn't like you were asking for constant favours. She should have done the decent thing and replied to you to say she couldn't do it. She's the unreasonable one here not you.

@IckGirl it's not Sweden but in Europe. It confused me a lot and definitely put me off asking for help or accepting help in future. I know at the time I kind of felt I was asking too much but I remember thinking 'she offered, and when I offer to do things I mean it so just ask and she can only say no'. A 'no' would have been totally fine. I accept that I was really needy.

Oh gosh I forgot to say in the OP that Carla was around 4 month pregnant herself at the time. I'm not trying to drip feed, I just realised I forgot to say this. It makes me relying on her so much seem even worse, but she was adamant that she felt completely fine and helping me wasn't an issue at all. When you feel lost, you will take any kind of lifeline you can.

I don't think you were BU? You only asked her for a lift.

Message her asking how she and how her baby is and is there anything you can do for her

@quietnightmare I see her regularly and always ask about the baby and if she needs anything. She always says no. In fact she told me not give her anything as she is moving house soon.

You're over thinking it, honestly. Yes, maybe she felt you were pushing it but she should have just said no! Absolutely no reason to ghost you.

And as women we do need to lean on each other after having a baby - don't feel weak or needy, just accept that it's a very vulnerable time, esp when you're not in your home country with your family around you.

Don't give it another thought. Hope you and baby are happy and well

I don’t think you did anything wrong. She offered to help and you only asked her for a lift. She could of said no or made an excuse, I think it was really rude of her to ignore you.

I don't think this makes it worse at all. I would see it as the early days of a mutually reciprocal relationship; I would bet you would have helped Carla in whatever way she needed when her baby came along.

Without knowing the country it's hard to know the context, really. Maybe it's culturally normal wherever you are living to offer help you don't intend to deliver?

Only place in Europe I know about a lot of postnatal involvement is that I read on a thread here that French women have a lot of intense appts to get their pelvic floor back in shape in the postnatal phase but I have no idea if that's true!

Don’t beat yourself up about it. As you say it can be really hard navigating other country’s health systems and social etiquette. I also don’t think you did anything wrong. She shouldn’t have offered if she didn’t want to do it.

I’d just draw a line under it and forget about it. It sounds like she’s busy herself with her pregnancy and moving so just leave her alone to get in with it.

There was one woman in my NCT group who would have constantly been left out of meetups because the other 4 not very nice women never considered that she didn't drive and would choose meetups in locations that she couldn't access by public transport. I gave her and her baby loads of lifts, I didn't begrudge it at all I did begrudge the other women who never considered her, though

@Rumplestrumpet thank you. I agree. I think she had a limit and reached it. I think when I see her it brings back that feeling of humiliation I felt as it dawned on me that she wasn't replying to my request. I met her frequently afterwards and she never mentioned it and I just felt so...STUPID! And now every time I see her, I just cringe. I guess I wanted to know if I really had been a total CF Pest or if she hadn't handled it well. I'm not criticising her BTW. She helped me immeasurably and I poured out my gratitude to her in the card I wrote for her. She is actually from a different country to the one we live in (but fluent in the language and has lived here a long time) and I found out how to write some of the card in her language. I really wanted to show my gratitude but feel ashamed that she thinks I'm an opportunistic user. I'm just not and hate that someone maybe thinks I am.

It sounds like I really devoting a huge amount of emotional energy on this, but I'm not. It's a minor niggle that pops up frequently and I wanted to know what all you impartial strangers thought.

Anyway I just need to let it go and not push my luck like that again.

Honestly, I think she's the unreasonable one here not you OP.

Yes it sounds like she helped you a lot in those early days and maybe it was just one favour too many but she left you a message saying if there's anything you need or if you need her to take you anywhere then she would - personally I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't offer if you don't want to follow through.
She could have said no and it wouldn't have been an issue but to ignore you when you asked for help was very rude imo. I don't think you owe her an apology

You sound lovely @IckGirl 😍

Not France either :-D

The first was a hospital appointment for the baby to have a routine heart check, and on the same day I got my staples removed there too. The second appointment was for the hip scan. The system where I am is quite demanding of new mothers.

I've never missed the UK as much as I did after having my baby here. I really took UK midwives and health visitors coming to your home for granted. Its not a thing here.

You're being far too hard on yourself because you're still more vulnerable than you realised. Carla was nice, you were nice, she's moving away

Carla was nice, you were nice, she's moving away

I love this! Maybe I still am a little vulnerable. That's actually worth remembering. I hadn't thought I was but I clearly am a bit too sensitive not to be. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.

I think when I see her it brings back that feeling of humiliation I felt as it dawned on me that she wasn't replying to my request.

I guess I wanted to know if I really had been a total CF Pest or if she hadn't handled it well.

Sorry, but you are sounding a bit of a CF now. She bent over backwards to help you and you’re looking for validation from us that this lovely, helpful woman handled it badly.