I was BU...should I apologise or leave it

[Cringeywingey]

Im sorry this is long and seems very petty. It has been bugging me for months so I would like some opinions. I know it seems silly.

I am an expat living overseas. I found out I was pregnant last year and found the medical system here confusing, especially as I don't speak the language very well.

I had the baby at a local hospital in February. When I was discharged, I was given loads of instructions for next steps I needed to take. I had to make different appointments in various hospitals for routine tests for the baby. I had loads of other beurocratic things to do too.

Driving here is quite intimidating so I just drive short routes that I'm familiar with ( I'm gradually expanding my repetoire, though). I had a c section so couldn't drive for the first 6 weeks anyway. This will make sense soon.

I have an acquaintance. Let's call her Carla. Carla could not have been more willing to help me when I got out of hospital. She lives across the road from the town hall, so met me there to help me register the birth. There were a few issues so I had to go back another time and she came back too. I thanked her profusely.

She said that I needed to go to another place to do some more 'baby admin' and offered to bring me. Its a 5 minute drive, so one day she took me and helped me to sort all of that out, too. Again I thanked her profusely, many, many times, in person and in text.

I had to make 2 follow up appointments for different hospitals but the phone line was really confusing. She offered to do it and said she was on hold for hours but just had the phone on loud speaker while she went about her day.

I was blown away by her kindness and again thanked her profusely. She left me a voice message telling me that I was very welcome, that she was happy to help with anything and to let her know if I needed anything at all or if I needed her to bring me anywhere. To be honest, I heard a bit of hesitation in her voice when she said that bit about bringing me anywhere.

My husband took me to the first hospital appointment at 2 weeks postpartum as he was still off on paternity leave. The other appointment was in a hospital that I didn't know or know how to get to, other than it was a 15 minute drive away.

I felt incredibly vulnerable in those early weeks. My c section scar took a very long time to heal, I was exhausted and felt very alienated from the services. Locals would tell me that even they found it a minefield to navigate the health care system, and couldn't imagine what it must be like for a foreigner to go through.

I started to get really anxious about how to get to the second hospital appointment (in march). I knew that while the 6 week mark had passed and I technically could drive, mentally I couldn't face it. I was also scared to get a taxi as I felt like I would struggle to manage the carseat in and out of taxis by myself as my wound still felt very tender. I kind of felt anxious about doing anything even slightly out of my comfort zone actually.

So in a moment of total emotional weakness, I sent her a voice message and asked her could she bring me. I said it in a way that she could easily make an excuse and get out of it. However, she listened to the message and never replied.

The days passed with no reply and suddenly I realised that I had pushed my luck. I met her a few times and she was much colder with me. Things were awkward and it was just far too embarrassing for me to address, to even apologise (and I generally have no problem apologising to people).

As it happened, there was a really easy bus route to the hospital but I had been too 'all over the place' to even check that out before asking for a lift. I went to the hospital with baby on the bus, and neither I nor Carla ever mentioned it ever again. What had seemed to be the start of a nice friendship, stopped abruptly.

I bought her a gift with a card thanking her for everything she did to help me. However, I realise I was out of order asking for another lift and feel like too much time had passed to say anything now. Things are polite and civil between us but there was a serious cooling off.

Would you bring it up now to apologise about asking her for yet another lift when she already did so much, or just leave it and accept the fact that I was an idiot who did thank her with a gift?

@Cringeywingey I mean you haven't helped her in anyway but expected more of her / leant on her more than she felt able to help. Did you do anything for her? Or were you too wrapped up in your own baby?

I wouldn't offer someone lifts and then ignore them if they asked in desperation 😐 she should not have offered if it was too much for her

You've done nothing wrong imo

On balance you probably should have done more for her / expected less of her, however your baby is still young and you're probably feeling shit about it. You should own it but only in that you need to move on, she doesnt want anything to do with you (probably because she's expecting a baby very soon) so just deal with it yourself. Forgive yourself and maybe try and help other People as much as you were helped but no doubt that will be very difficul.

Difficult *

Enjoy your baby op maybe don't take advantage of other pregnant women when you have your next child

No I worded that badly. Im tired. What I am trying to say is that I'm trying to reflect on this from all angles. I'm pretty sure I was a CF, and was trying to establish whether I should I apologise or just leave it? I am also trying to work out if her response (or lack of) was one that others would have taken.

Am fully willing to accept that I was cheeky to someone who helped me. That's why I find it so embarrassing. In fact I do think I was cheeky. Am just working through it with some impartial feedback.

The conclusion I've come to is that I wasn't in my right state of mind, I was cheeky, she didn't respond, which then highlighted my cheekiness and has made me cringe. I've already said thank you and got her a gift so am going to just leave it and not to do that again.

I definitely don't want validation...I'm here for the straight talking.

I also think she handled it badly.

You acknowledge you pushed your luck but I hate people who make offers they don't mean and then get annoyed with people who take them up on their offer. She should have made an excuse not totally ignore you.

The good thing here is she's moving away (hopefully) soon, so you won't have to see her anymore.

Maybe you were too over the top with your gratitude? I know I have issues but when my MH is bad, or I'm tired, going through shit, or even just being a mardy bitch, I get really irritated by people who are too nice. I have left friends on read because of this before now which makes me a twat, I know. I just don't have the energy to deal with their effusiveness. Totally my issue not theirs, and they shouldn't change their natural loveliness just because of my issues,but maybe she is just feeling a bit exhausted by it and suffocated?

Sorry, I am probably way off the mark, and sound like a total bitch!

@Athenajm80 when I asked for lift, I had mostly been updating her on a small health concern that the doctors had about my baby. Baby had a few worrying issues at the start and I was messaging her to update her and asked for the lift at the end. So it wasn't one of my 'thank you messages'.

Effusiveness is definitely my new word of the week 🙌

@Cringeywingey

You're clearly not a CF. But you sound really intense & your descriptions of the appointments sound really over the top, even accounting for the normal challenges of having a new baby & managing a strange health system.

She just pulled back a bit, I'd imagine.

Yes I can be intense. DH is always telling me to stop over thinking things. I will take that I was intense and she was pulling back over her thinking I was being cheeky. Fwiw, my experience did feel very intense and overwhelming at the time.

she was pulling back over her thinking I was being cheeky.

No that's not what I meant - I don't think you were being cheeky & I would be surprised if she thought so either.

I think your overall response to the appointments & the friendship was intense - and she just pulled back.

I do completely understand that the newborn stage is hard, especially in a different country.

@champagnesocialist11 Would you stop - taking advantage! OP had a baby in a strange country and was vulnerable and unsure of herself which from her posts is unusual, she did nothing wrong and also per your pp, she has nothing to forgive herself for.

@Cringeywingey OP someone offered help, you took them up on it, they ignored your request. They're moving away, let it go, your stress is huge cos you can over analyse the most stupid of things after a baby, this is not something to have The Fear over. Move on and continue being friendly to your neighbour and wish them the best when they eventually move

@Heyisforhorses she chose to live there..

Didn't need to take advantage of another pregnant woman did she? Didn't stop her though

Gently, I agree with @EarringsandLipstick

I think she’s being a bit unreasonable if she has backed away because you asked to take her up on a offer she had made.

however, your intensity would, to me, feel like a reasonable cause to back off a bit. If I were pregnant and receiving the level of intense gratitude you seem to be displaying, I might find that a bit overwhelming. I find people being very grateful for things a bit uncomfortable- my problem, not theirs, but it would make me want to cool things a bit.

The pregnant neighbour offered, if you don't mean it, don't offer.

Are you calling me a hypocrite when you have no idea who I am or how I behave with people? I do not ask anyone for help, I manage my life and my children myself even when help is offered. Your assumption of me is ridiculous. However, some people, new mam or not, need help though and if offered why would they not accept? Don't offer to help if you don't mean it.

I think we’ve all had these moments where we misjudge things. Like, a friend says stop by anytime for coffee, then you do and things are awkward because they obviously didn’t mean it. Then you feel embarrassed for misunderstanding. It’s so hard sometimes.

Hi op. If she's pregnant and is moving house she's probably very busy. She may be tired etc and she's now focusing on that and what you see as cooling off is just life.

I would message her again saying how much help she was when you really needed it but you're now back to your usual confident and energetic self so if she needs any help (with moving etc) then you would love to help.

Maybe she has an abusive spouse who wouldn't have wanted other babies in the car.

I would not accept so many favours from somebody without doing anything in return and I would definitely not have rung and asked for a lift, I’d have booked a taxi or sorted something with DH. But it is done now, she is moving away. Move on.

You did nothing wrong OP, especially after thank you card etc. She did offer, it was rude of her to ignore you. But you’ve both moved on from that now and all is well so try to move on. :)

You didn't do anything wrong!! She offered to help, you were in a vulnerable position and accepted the help. You thanked her. If she didn't want to drive you to your appointment all she had to do was say no she was busy. It was rude of her to ignore you.

Wasn't Germany either then.....here a midwife comes to your home every day for about 2 weeks after you get home from the hospital/birthing centre. Longer if you need it.

My worry from your opening post OP was that if English isn't Carla's first language then she may have misconstrued something that you said to her in your message to her, that included the request for a lift. Even between each other we can misunderstand something that another member of our own family has said.

So I would actually try to see her in person, and say to her that ever since your message to her about such and such, where you mentioned her giving you another lift, she has not seemed so comfortable in your company.

I would say that if I was being a cheeky so n so (I wouldn't use the term "fucker" to her unless you know that that is how she speaks - as some people can be very offended by such language, and she is from a different culture, and language to us so might not appreciate some of our more colourful terms) in asking her that, that I was really sorry and had not intended to make her feel pressured or awkward.

Then I would add that I had wondered if I had said something rude or nasty to her without realising it - maybe when you were trying to say something to her in her own language - as all you have ever felt towards her is much gratitude for all her kindness and help, and the desire to be able to help her in return now that you are feeling better.

If you are still none the wiser after that discussion with her, then please do just try to put it to the back of your mind. But my instincts definitely feel as if this is all down to some form of miscommunication between the two of you.