I was BU...should I apologise or leave it

[Cringeywingey]

Im sorry this is long and seems very petty. It has been bugging me for months so I would like some opinions. I know it seems silly.

I am an expat living overseas. I found out I was pregnant last year and found the medical system here confusing, especially as I don't speak the language very well.

I had the baby at a local hospital in February. When I was discharged, I was given loads of instructions for next steps I needed to take. I had to make different appointments in various hospitals for routine tests for the baby. I had loads of other beurocratic things to do too.

Driving here is quite intimidating so I just drive short routes that I'm familiar with ( I'm gradually expanding my repetoire, though). I had a c section so couldn't drive for the first 6 weeks anyway. This will make sense soon.

I have an acquaintance. Let's call her Carla. Carla could not have been more willing to help me when I got out of hospital. She lives across the road from the town hall, so met me there to help me register the birth. There were a few issues so I had to go back another time and she came back too. I thanked her profusely.

She said that I needed to go to another place to do some more 'baby admin' and offered to bring me. Its a 5 minute drive, so one day she took me and helped me to sort all of that out, too. Again I thanked her profusely, many, many times, in person and in text.

I had to make 2 follow up appointments for different hospitals but the phone line was really confusing. She offered to do it and said she was on hold for hours but just had the phone on loud speaker while she went about her day.

I was blown away by her kindness and again thanked her profusely. She left me a voice message telling me that I was very welcome, that she was happy to help with anything and to let her know if I needed anything at all or if I needed her to bring me anywhere. To be honest, I heard a bit of hesitation in her voice when she said that bit about bringing me anywhere.

My husband took me to the first hospital appointment at 2 weeks postpartum as he was still off on paternity leave. The other appointment was in a hospital that I didn't know or know how to get to, other than it was a 15 minute drive away.

I felt incredibly vulnerable in those early weeks. My c section scar took a very long time to heal, I was exhausted and felt very alienated from the services. Locals would tell me that even they found it a minefield to navigate the health care system, and couldn't imagine what it must be like for a foreigner to go through.

I started to get really anxious about how to get to the second hospital appointment (in march). I knew that while the 6 week mark had passed and I technically could drive, mentally I couldn't face it. I was also scared to get a taxi as I felt like I would struggle to manage the carseat in and out of taxis by myself as my wound still felt very tender. I kind of felt anxious about doing anything even slightly out of my comfort zone actually.

So in a moment of total emotional weakness, I sent her a voice message and asked her could she bring me. I said it in a way that she could easily make an excuse and get out of it. However, she listened to the message and never replied.

The days passed with no reply and suddenly I realised that I had pushed my luck. I met her a few times and she was much colder with me. Things were awkward and it was just far too embarrassing for me to address, to even apologise (and I generally have no problem apologising to people).

As it happened, there was a really easy bus route to the hospital but I had been too 'all over the place' to even check that out before asking for a lift. I went to the hospital with baby on the bus, and neither I nor Carla ever mentioned it ever again. What had seemed to be the start of a nice friendship, stopped abruptly.

I bought her a gift with a card thanking her for everything she did to help me. However, I realise I was out of order asking for another lift and feel like too much time had passed to say anything now. Things are polite and civil between us but there was a serious cooling off.

Would you bring it up now to apologise about asking her for yet another lift when she already did so much, or just leave it and accept the fact that I was an idiot who did thank her with a gift?

Sounds like Spain to me. It also sounds like you did nothing wrong. Were you needy? Yes, maybe but understandably. If she didn't want to deal with that she could have got out of it gracefully enough rather than continue to offer and then get annoyed when you take her up on it. I understand why you're worried but as she's moving away then I wouldn't worry. The problem will solve itself.

I really wanted to show my gratitude but feel ashamed that she thinks I'm an opportunistic user

You’re imagining this Is what she’s thinking but you don’t actually know if that’s the case or not. She might have had her own challenges going on which she may not have felt able to share with you. I’d invite her to yours for coffee and see how the land lies and see if she could do with a hand with her move.

As an aside I can remember feeling really daunted by lots of aspects of life after giving birth though ( and I didn’t have a C section or language issues to contend with). What struck me was your DH wasn’t mentioned anywhere in relation to taking you to any of those appointment or deciphering what you’d need to do. Seemed to leave you to it.

Is she moving far away? I think I’d still want to rekindle the friendship to be honest. Plus you can always repay the favours a bit

@Cringeywingey how do you know she got the voice message? If she didn't she might have thought you was ignoring her.

I think your anxiety and overly profuse thanks and perseverating on this is likely pushing her away more than helping you out.

Your martyrdom here and your self flagellation is hard to take for those around you and Carla may have gotten tired of it.

It was a lift you asked for not her left kidney. Stop worrying OP, let it go.

Send her a ice card and some gift as a going away present and include a 'thank you for being so helpful to me in my hours of need. Your kindness in difficult circumstances while trying to navigate a new country, new language and new healthcare system helped me more than you will know. Wishing you all the best in your new home etc

This is a much better way of putting it than my message, and is what I meant.

Just relax, what's done is done, and like a PP has said, perhaps send her a card wishing her all the best, a simple thanks for all your help, hope the move goes well etc. Make it about her, not you.

Good luck with everything 🙂

Have you bought her a thank you gift?

Did she perhaps do this to help you out and then realise your DH was actually around to do a lot of this helping while on paternity? That's the only thing that sticks out to me.

Perhaps she thought she was helping then felt taken advantage if that your DH was on paternity and could have done a lot of this? I think its something like this.

Italy?

I don't think you did anything wrong, but if I was Carla and I was moving away I probably would want to invest too much time on the friendship.

Enjoy your baby and you'll meet other mums soon.

Are you sure she got the text?

Send her a ice card and some gift as a going away present

The friend has specifically requested the OP NOT buy her a going away present. I think respecting her wishes is very important.

The friend has a lot going on and I think the OP would be kinder giving her some space.

Don’t apologise! Just move on. You have nothing to apologise for. She offered to help and it was rude of her to not reply if she couldn’t/didn’t want to help. Apologising could almost come over as a little dig since she is the one being rude here and it would be sad to sour it after all the help she did come through for. You’ve already thanked her enough and I wouldn’t raise it again.

Maybe Carla felt that you have a dh who is from that country & could / should be supporting you in navigating you way around this complicated system?
I think if I were her I'd feel a bit put upon to be asked to do so much when the OP has a dh, even more so if I was in the early months of pregnancy myself

Why did your dh not step up more? I know you said he went back to work but in yoir shoes I would most definitely have expected him to translate instructions, research routes / ways to get to the hospital visits - including him taking a couple of hours off to go with you. And be could certainly have sorted those phone calls out for his own wife & baby

Perhaps it's how you've presented it but it comes across very much as 'important male doing important male work who must not be dusturbed' so you transferred all that understandable needy vulnerability to a relative stranger & expected far too much from her

I don’t think you’re a CF. You never really know what’s going on with someone else though and, as hard as it is to accept, sometimes you just never will. You’ve made a lot of assumptions about how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking but those might be way off. She might not have replied for all sorts of reasons.

Maybe your request caught her at a really bad time and she didn’t know what to say. Maybe she missed the message or completely forgot to reply. Maybe she now feels a bit awkward and embarrassed or maybe she’s just pulled away for reasons of her own that have nothing to do with you. It’s hard but I think you have to make peace with the fact that you are never going to be able to read this woman’s mind and that you aren’t entitled to a blow-by-blow of every step of her thought process in order to make you feel better.

It sounds like you did what you did with the best intentions at every step and that’s all we can ever do. I think the only thing that would make you a CF now is if you start badgering this woman for explanations and reassurance just to satisfy your own niggling guilt. Not saying you are doing that but that’s the only thing I would take a dim view of.

I guess I hate that she thinks I was such a CF that I didn't deserve a reply.

feel ashamed that she thinks I'm an opportunistic user

These two lines really jumped out at me. None of that is fact, it’s your own interpretation of the situation and an awful lot of projection on your part about how Carla feels and what she thinks.

Imagine if you wasted all this energy on this and then you found out Carla didn’t even get your message/thought she had replied/had a horrible family emergency that day. You’ve spent all this time taking us as a fact that Carla thinks this and that about you, when a million other things could have actually happened.

Carla knows that my husband's knowledge of the local language is worse than mine as he is a foreigner here too, with even less experience of navigating the system than me.

He got 3 weeks off and took to me to everything he could in that time. He even took an extra day after that to help me with something and just couldn't take any more time off after that.

Myself and my husband can speak the language fine for day to day matters. However I did not want to take any chances with the official stuff, which Carla agreed with.

For example, I definitely didn't have enough of the language to competently discuss the beurocratic ins and outs of issues relating to Brexit and definitely needed Carla there to help clarify things.

YABU - because you’ve done nothing wrong! Stop worrying about it. I felt exactly the same as you in the early days. I couldn’t drive anyway, but the thought of getting the bus (which is used for 30 years!) was utterly beyond me. Those early days are hard. I didn’t even take my baby out for a walk for six weeks! I had a C Section too, that coupled with breastfeeding made me feel very vulnerable.

If you feel like you want to do something, send a good luck card for when she moves away, and again thank for her all her help when you really needed someone. She’ll find out how vulnerable you feel in those first few weeks very soon!

I think you need to let it go, and perhaps ask your husband to take annual leave from work next time to help you out more.

I can’t see what you’ve done wrong OP. She offered, you accepted, if she didn’t want to do it she shouldn’t have offered. She did it to make herself look good, even though she knew she didn’t want to do you any more favours. She set you up for this to make herself feel better, so now you feel guilty and embarrassed.

i’ve had it before as well. I have a disability that means I need help with certain things, and people have repeatedly offered to help me, then when I’ve asked them they’ve gone all funny with me. I mean why offer if you don’t want to do it? It’s the worst kind of being fake because it makes you feel as if it’s your own fault.

It also makes having a friendship with them almost impossible, because you’re never sure what they mean and what they don’t mean, and you’re constantly worried about embarrassing yourself.

I'd just ask her if everything was OK.

IMO it was rude of her to OFFER to take you places but not mean it and then go cold when you asked a singular time.

If she didn't mean it she shouldn't have offered.

OK I've reread my OP. I wrote it around midnight last night and I see why some of you thought I seemed really intense. Is it because of how much I said I thanked her? For the sake of clarity, I had wanted to show that I had thanked her at every stage of that period of her helping me. I knew if I had have just said that I had thanked her, someone would have come along to say something along the lines of 'you sound really ungrateful tbh'. I was just clarifying that she definitely knew I was grateful. I dont actually think I was as intense as maybe the post made me out to be. I am an intense over thinker at times though!

For further clarity, my husband did as much as he could. He took as long as he could off work work and helped me with what he could. He can't take any annual leave in the way that has been suggested, unless he took it unpaid. He didn't just leave me to it at all.

@Itwasntmeright I am so sorry that people haven't been genuine in offering to help you. I'm sure that has been very hurtful for you.

@DixonD there won't be a next time haha

Thanks everyone. I think last night I was feeling very tired and was dwelling too much on it. I needed to sound off so thanks for listening. I'm going to leave it and maybe ask if Carl's needs a hand with packing and forget it. Maybe she thinks I'm a CF, maybe she doesn't. I do know that she did help me a lot and I'll always be grateful to her. I've no control over the rest now.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Did you even just go out for lunch without her taking you somewhere, or talk about things other that the baby?

We weren't friends before I had the baby. She is someone that I knew vaguely who lives nearby. She very much offered her services right after the baby was born and she very willingly came onto our radar. She contacted me with the offer to help. She was adamant that she wanted to help me. There had been no preceeding friendship other than friendly small talk when I saw her out and about. As I got to chat to her when she came with meto things, I thought she was lovely and that we could have a friendship in the future maybe.

She went cold on me when baby was 4 weeks old. Before that point I was desperately struggling with breastfeeding and my c section recovery was brutal. I wasn't going for lunch with anyone up by that stage! I was barely functioning at the time. Was I self absorbed at the time? Yes but I felt like I had been hit by a tonne of bricks. Not my finest moment but it is what it is.

Yes of course we talked about things other than my baby, by the way. I was very interested in her home country and she told me lots about it, the language, the culture, how she met her husband, her experiences of pregnancy, breastfeeding and childbirth, places she had lived, countries she had visited, the weather, education, lots of things. She sent me a message asking for an update on the baby, which is when I asked for the lift.