Are you popular? If not, does it get you down?

[Nananananana]

I've always thought that being nice and kind has no bearing on how popular you are, and that people are drawn to charismatic people.
I don't think people dislike me, but they just aren't drawn to me. I have a couple of friends, but don't see or speak to them that often.
I was always shy, but I even found that when I really tried to be more outgoing that it didn't change anything. Around 6 years ago I did a PGCE course when I was in my mid 20s, and I was always organsing social events, writing on the group chat and so on.
It didn't make me any more popular, I became friendly with around 7 people out of 40, and am only in touch with 2 of those still.
My partner is very charismatic, everyone says what a great guy he is, though he's still had friends suddenly go cold or stop contacting him so I suppose none of us are immune from it.
I shouldn't even care about Facebook, it's so stupid to let it get to me but sometimes I get barely any likes on photos, well most of the time, whereas some people get over 50.
People just aren't dying to know me. I think I've lived an interesting life but also take an interest in others, and I do think I'm genuine and good natured. Just need to accept that I'm maybe not that likeable.
Would anyone consider themselves as popular?

I'm not popular either. I'm nice enough I think. When I was very young, I was very shy and I remained like that until my twenties. For some reason I became popular and likeable in my twenties. I think I was away from home and was in a happy place. I then had some pretty bad relationships that had a negative effect on me and lost touch with a lot of people. While I was going through bad relationships, other friends got married, moved away and had children.

I met DH and was busy with small kids. I'm back now to how I was growing up. I'm older, more cynical and tired. More often than not, I find it very tiring after a while of making small talk to people. I'm exhausted for a couple of days afterwards. I'd love a nice bunch of close friends to meet up with every so often but find it an effort these days to stay in touch with anyone.

My family were not close or outgoing growing up and I think that had a profound effect on my ability to form relationships with boundaries.

I was popular during school I had about 30 or so good friends.
Ever since then I've really struggled to keep friendships (I've moved around a lot) and covid lockdown really didn't help my social skills. I went backwards and became more introverted than I've ever been.
I struggle to know what to say in conversation and usually keep quiet now.
I have 3-4 friends (only one who lives near me) and that's fine for me. It doesn't bother me. I like to spend time with my own little family going for meals and stuff and that makes me happy.

I used to get upset about Facebook - I deleted my accounts on social media and I actually feel better for it as I'm not comparing myself. Maybe you should do the same op. You'll feel better for it trust me

I’m popular but wouldn’t say I’m especially charismatic. I think it’s largely about whether you’re quick to engage and able to put people at ease in your company. I’ve always been able to talk to people and can have a conversation with a stranger at a party as if I’ve known them for ages. People seem to like it - perhaps because they’re more reticent themselves - and in that sort of scenario will more often than seek me out on Facebook to friend me, and I’ve made several good friends that way by taking things forward, asking if they’d like to hang out again etc. I have a lot of friends but I do put a lot of time and effort into maintaining them and not taking people for granted.

What do you mean by popular? You have friends. You made friends on your course. Why do you think the standard is having loads of people like you?
look, research shows consistently that most people have two to five good friends. Probably because people don’t have capacity for more than that.

you are normal. Stop worrying about it.

Your vibe in writing alone is off-putting, maybe people react to it in real life?

OP, you mustn't worry about FB numbers. They're irrelevant. What's important is that you are happy with yourself, you know you are a kind decent person.

I think wanting to be popular is something those aged 8 to around 16 worry about. Now I'm many ,many ( many ) years older , I don't care .

Can I ask in what way?

How is it? 🤔

I opened the thread because my attention was caught my the word popular.

I don't think I've ever stopped to consider whether or not I'm popular. Maybe when I was at school perhaps? (Not a dog btw, that's genuinely true).

I think that concentrating on whether or not you are happy with yourself is a better use of your time. If you are happy with yourself, you won't care if you're popular.

What is the point of comparing Facebook likes? The people on my feed who consistently have lots of likes and comments get them because they either own a business (eg a shop) which brings them into contact with a lot of people, or they are super sociable which also brings them into contact with a lot of people.

I work from home and don't particularly like going out in the evening anymore, so what's the point of comparing myself to them?

Honestly, comparison is the thief of joy.

A massive contributer to people getting a lot of FB is them liking lots of other people's, then them just returning the likes.

I think your expectations are too high though. Making friends with 7 and keeping on contact with 2 is not bad at all for a year long course. Same with your partner, friends come and go.

You obviously have the skills and characteristics to make friends so try not to sweat it.

Remember this:

You care about being popular to an extent that Facebook gets you down. Care less. People, even children, are very canny when it comes to those slightly intense, negative vibes that come with wanting to be liked. Just relax. "Maybe I'm just unlikeable," would you let a friend speak that way about themselves? Course not. Be nice to yourself.

Popular! Fuck no!

But I couldn’t give a shiny shite and couldn’t be less interested in the concept.

I “collect” special people. People who are non judgemental, kind, not self involved or overbearing.
These people are true friends, very important to me and who have stuck with me for 15-20 years plus.
Theres very few of them.

As an antisocial introvert, you can tell that it’s not on my radar to be surrounded by people just for the sake of numbers or to consider what I can offer them to make them be drawn to me.

It didn't make me any more popular, I became friendly with around 7 people out of 40, and am only in touch with 2 of those still.
2 friends you've kept for 5 years or so is great, if they are good friends. I am someone who makes acquaintances easily, and I have a lot of people who I keep in touch with as well as a lot of friends. I couldn't tell you how many, because it isn't a contest where tallies are set up and I try to be friendly with everyone instead of having some arbitrary line of when people classify as a friend.

Your post seems very focused on yourself and transactional when it comes to others. Friendships are best counted up in positive experiences rather than headcount, but are largely a two-way street. Focus on being a good friend TO others rather than on being "interesting". Ask people about themselves, offer help when needed, suggest fun activities for a group with no offence taken towards anyone who can't make it. A better question to ask would be whether you are a good friend to the people who are already present in your life.

No, I’m not popular.
Yes, it used to get me down. It doesn’t any more.
I realised whatever ‘it’ is that makes people popular, I don’t have it. And charisma is not something you can learn or fake (at least not long term). So there’s nothing I can do about it, so no point being down about it. Better to spend time/energy learning to be happy with who I am.

Depends how you define popular.
i didn’t have many friends as a child and younger teen but from mid-teens onwards I’ve been ok and I’d say I probably make friends easier now (50s) than ever. I don’t have that tight-knit group of ‘girls’ you see on FB but a few small groups and some individual friends. A lot of my friends know each other through me which is nice as well!
I’m drawn to people who are like me I suppose - I can’t put my finger on it but I know the ‘type’ of person I like. One who I don’t have to make an effort with and put in any pretence.
i have about 10 really good friends then more that I see on a casual basis - book club, old schoolmum /work friends, etc.

Depends on what you think "popular" means. I have just over 100 "friends" on my FB. Apart from 1, I have met and spent time with every single one of them at some point. I know people who have 300+ "friends" but the vast majority of them are just names on a list and not what most people would consider as being friends. Being popular and appearing to be popular are, imo, 2 different things.

I'm very unpopular, many people dislike me for being 'different'. Especially when I was at school, I got beaten on a daily basis and abused. Never had any friends, not even a casual friendship. I get random threats from people I don't know for standing there doing nothing. I just seem to attract negative attention. But it is what it is, I've never known any different..

No I am not popular and yes it gets me down sometimes, especially at work because I have an extremely popular colleague and it’s easy to draw comparisons.
I’m dealing with it though. Caring less and less what others think of me, and more about what I think of myself, is helping.

I'm not popular either. I've found it really hard over the years, particularly when people say to me, oh, so-and-so is great aren't they? However, I've become much more keen on people being kind and generous spirited than outgoing and witty, these days and it's helped with finding better friendships.

I don't turn down invitations often. I make an effort with others when the opportunity presents itself. And I'm also happy to go to events (sports, theatre, cinema etc) on my own, which gives me things to talk about when I do have social interactions.

But having been dropped and even ghosted a number of times, I get it OP, it's very painful and the socially adept should be thankful for their skills (those of us without them try really hard too, honestly!).

I have a lot of friends, but I wouldn't say I'm popular.

It really depends what your lifestyle is like, and of course whether you're an introvert or an extrovert. I work a job that's extremely social and involves working with and meeting new people all the time (but also very stressful so people tend to form bonds very quickly), so it's very easy to make friends.

However it is extremely hard to maintain friendships if your lives aren't in a place that's conducive to that. Most of the people I'm close friends with now are people who live nearby who I see all the time at work events, and our jobs make it easy to get coffee or lunch together regularly. But if I moved or changed jobs I probably wouldn't still be friends with them. It's a real struggle to keep longer term friendships alive. I do think Covid had a huge impact on friendships just in terms of not being able to see each other, plus the stress and just people reassessing their priorities. I know a few people who have just stopped seeing people and stopped socialising entirely since Covid - my best friend since uni has literally not spoken to a soul except her mum and her GP since 2020.

I would say though that online popularity is very different from real life popularity. I don't use social media anymore (except one private account just for my close friends to follow) because I found it very hard to engage via the medium of text, and sometimes I do get a bit down seeing work peers who have huge social media followings, but it doesn't translate into anything meaningful.

I’m not popular, never have been. I guess I’m quite shy, a little bit quirky and sometimes socially awkward. I know a lot of people, I have a few friends but I don’t have a group of close friends. It doesn’t really bother me but it used too.

The only time I cared about being popular was when I was a teenager. These days, I am happy with the way I am, I have close friends and not so close friends, I enjoy the company of my family and I love my job. I really couldn't care less about facebook likes, I use facebook as a photo storage facility for the most part.

Is any adult really popular? Is that not more of a school thing?

I think as an adult people who have a lot of friends just tend to be outgoing and confident, and put the effort into maintaining those friendships. People who are popular on social media put equal amounts of time into others social media