Are you popular? If not, does it get you down?

[Nananananana]

I've always thought that being nice and kind has no bearing on how popular you are, and that people are drawn to charismatic people.
I don't think people dislike me, but they just aren't drawn to me. I have a couple of friends, but don't see or speak to them that often.
I was always shy, but I even found that when I really tried to be more outgoing that it didn't change anything. Around 6 years ago I did a PGCE course when I was in my mid 20s, and I was always organsing social events, writing on the group chat and so on.
It didn't make me any more popular, I became friendly with around 7 people out of 40, and am only in touch with 2 of those still.
My partner is very charismatic, everyone says what a great guy he is, though he's still had friends suddenly go cold or stop contacting him so I suppose none of us are immune from it.
I shouldn't even care about Facebook, it's so stupid to let it get to me but sometimes I get barely any likes on photos, well most of the time, whereas some people get over 50.
People just aren't dying to know me. I think I've lived an interesting life but also take an interest in others, and I do think I'm genuine and good natured. Just need to accept that I'm maybe not that likeable.
Would anyone consider themselves as popular?

I'm nicer now too!

I hate being the centre of attention. It slightly freaks me out. it would be a nightmare to be "popular"

I was bullied badly in later primary school. tbh, I'm just grateful that if everyone hates my guts they keep it to themselves & not throw it in my face at every opportunity. I'd pretty happily settle for that.

I’m not popular at all! Struggle with friendships to be honest.

it used to bother me a lot. I am more comfortable in my skin now, but I still find I take a subordinate position in friendships then after a while get resentful that I make more effort than them!

It was awful when I was a teen and in my twenties. That awful feeling when I had nowhere to go on a Saturday night - and the hurt feeling when others went out without me!

I was trying to explain this to DH a few days ago. I am not someone who people are drawn to, in sitations like work or other groups from school all the way until now (late 30's) I get along fine with people but nothing beyond that. I certainly don't make much effort any longer but that's because I'm tired after years of effort getting me nowhere.

My older brother is the total opposite. People flock to him, people like him, everyone wants to be his friend. People say we are alike but how can we be if peoples reactions to us are so different?

It's hard but I am used to it and just hope my DC don't inherit it from me.

I am old and gave up any idea of being popular in my late teens, J never really wanted that anyway

IMO grown adults who try to be “popular “ are lacking in self esteem, and trying too hard

in my experience, the less you try to be popular or liked, the more people are interested in you

it’s kind of a paradox

By the way, i think that making 7 friends, out of 40 people you meet, and 2 long term friends is pretty good going 😁

I’m popular in the sense that most people that know me would probably say nice things about me. People do seem to like me when we meet - I don’t struggle to fit in at work or social situations but I do get quite anxious still. I do think it’s probably because I’m kind and funny, with quite self deprecating humour (despite this post making it sound like I think I’m the dogs bollocks!) and I’m quite a low-maintenance person and friend.

Yes I am 'popular' in that I tend to make friends very easily. I don't know why but I do know that I wasn't popular in high school (at all). I think I was close to the bottom of the teenage pecking order. 'Teenage dirtbag' strikes a chord.

I had a huge amount of insecurities but I think at a certain point I accepted that I didn't draw rhe big crowds! Maybe that was a turning point that really freed me to be myself, I don't know.

I'm 39 now but feel like in my mid twenties I kind of came into myself, or maybe my peers matured. I don't know. I do know from that point onwards, lots of people started wanting to be my friend and that has continued.

I don't know why. I think I'm very, very open and possibly come across as friendly and warm. I am told I have a good sense of humour and I do care about people. I like to listen. I feel like I can relate to people from all walks of life. I think I'm quite thoughtful. I'm also very disorganised and a bit scatty and maybe make others feel better about themselves :-D

I am aware that people tend to like me but when I was on Facebook, my 'likes' quota was pretty poor!

I think the most important thing is to always err on the side of kindness, smile and try to be a blessing to others where you can. Making a difference in the lives of others is more important than popularity, but can be a consequence.

*FWI I have a huge amount of character flaws too and am sure I'm not everyone's cup of tea!

I've realised popular doesn't always mean someone is a great person. The popular ones in my town are the ones who are always on the drink, so they have their 'supporters' from the other people who either drink with them or laugh at the dumb shit they post. Others are absolute arseholes, so they're popular because others don't want to feel their wrath by not being up their arse constantly.

The popular kids at my kids school are only popular because their parents are in a big cliquey group who all kiss arse eachother and defy all reasonable logic when it comes to responsibility, they're right and you're wrong, so that ties in with others being scared to go against them and that's how the popular kids have so much confidence to beat down anyone outside of their clique.

Regarding Facebook likes etc, I'm most 'popular' on there when it's a post about an achievement I've gained within a hobby group, as others in that hobby are happy for me. Or an extremely rare mental health post, no one would suspect I have anxiety so it's a popular post as some have empathy or can relate because they're having a hard time too etc. I've found the more I regularly 'like' others posts, the more they reciprocate (not always though.)

Being 'popular' sounds fake and boring to me, I'm happy having a handful of friends, who don't know eachother, who I can rely on for whatever mood I'm in. It would be nice to have a group of close friends but I've never met a group of women who were genuinely nice and not back stabbed someone as soon as they left the table.

Never popular in school etc but never had no friends. Always had a few close friends at any one time. I'm 30 now and have 2 women who I would class as my 'best friends' who I could call day or night for anything, then I have about 6/7 friends who I don't see often but we keep in touch and meet occasionally.

Not popular and never have been!!! I was always the quiet one with popular friends, the last one invited to the party etc it never actually bothered me until I realised I was a people pleaser and in hindsight a lot of these popular 'friends' weren't friends at all and a lot of them vanished when I needed them. They all have 100's of likes on their Instagram accounts and their photos are of amazing places travelled and family photo shoots...... I used to envy this. But now I've learnt to not be so much of a people pleaser and it's great!!! I have a handful of close friends, albeit we don't see each other regularly as we all live in different countries but when we do speak/see each other it's as though we'd only seen each other a few days ago!

I think popular is something that becomes less important as you get older. I was deeply unpopular at school, popular-ish at uni, and then in my 20s went through phases of feeling 'in' or 'out'. Now in my 40s I have 4 very close friends (who dont know each other, so not a gang) and 3 or 4 more decent mates I'd go for a drink or dinner with sometimes. And that is more than enough for me, I'm exhausted as it is! Don't know how old you are OP, but I do think these worries will diminish over the years.

I was in popular and bullied at school.I grew into my face in late teens and developed a bit of sass so found my self a bit popular but when I settled down in early twenties it declined. When I was single in late twenties I became popular again but again when I married dh I became less popular. I don't have many friends and often find people don't warm to me. (Suspected asd)

Popularity has never even crossed my mind. I don’t really understand why anyone would be focusing on how many friends they had, rather than the quality of the friendships. I don’t like everyone I meet so why would I want them to like me?

I became friendly with around 7 people out of 40, and am only in touch with 2 of those still.

So what? Who needs to be close friends with 40 people? Why would you think all your friendships would last for ever? You did a course six years ago and you’re still friendly with two of your course mates. That sounds pretty normal to me. You can’t have loads in common with everyone you meet. Nobody does.

Comparing likes on Facebook friends etc is the behaviour of a 14-year-old. Stop being so needy and just live your life. You have friends and a partner. You’re fine.

I think I’m a nice person and get on with most people but I’ve never been popular, I’m not the person that people seem to want to gravitate towards as a close friend. I’m not bothered now but it did get to me a bit when I was younger

Being popular and having genuine friends are two very different things. It's important to remember which will give you greater joy. I know and am liked by a lot of people, hundreds and hundreds, and I am what you class as popular. But my real friends I can count on one hand, and those are what I value most. There are a lot of people I know who would like to be my friend, but more because they see I am well liked and they think it will give them the same social standing. They will never be my friend and I wouldn't even attempt it.

This is really interesting and not something I've really thought about before. It's hard to say "yes I think I'm popular" without sounding up your own hole but... er, yeah I'm quite popular? As in, in a large group of people I'd most likely have spoken with all of them and have "in jokes", know about their lives and so on within a short amount of time. At the school gates waiting for the kids to come out, mums will head over and have a chat, we speak in the WhatsApp group and meet for coffees and so on. As an aside, my long term friendship group often say I'm funny, and have a way with words, know what to say etc.

Looking at it, I'd say I ask questions. That's pretty much the only secret I can think of! I'm interested in people, I know how to phrase a question without sounding like I'm prying, I have a genuine inquisitive nature towards people and listen when they speak. People like to feel heard, I think. That and don't pass on what they tell you to anyone else! If people trust you, they like you.

Oh, and making people feel included. Especially with primary school politics! If I'm heading to the play park after school I'll make sure to drop a casual message in the group, non-pushy just a loose invite. That sort of thing.

I think I'd say that I'm popular with my friends! I don't like large groups or big social events, and don't crave being one of the big cheeses in a large group of people, so I'm happy with my modest level of popularity really. I've never really liked or wanted to mix with 'cool' people, so that has helped. I just think I see through them (but I know that sounds arrogant).

I've never gone in for Facebook or anything like that, having always suspected it would cause me more grief than joy - with all the pressure to 'like' things and respond to people's bragging posts. I've never regretted this decision.

Yes, I agree that, sadly, being nice and kind has little to do with how popular you are. Humans sometimes seem to behave like pack animals and fall into a hierarchy with queen bees and top dogs who are not necessarily looked up to for their kindness. It can be a matter of sucking up to people who might otherwise turn nasty or wanting to be in the 'in crowd'. I've never wanted to do this and just like being with genial people who I care about and who are basically good, kind sorts. I think the sitcom 'Motherland' absolutely nails these group dynamics!

I do remember though, dreading the company of one of my son's schoolfriend's mums who would, I suppose, be unkindly described as 'vanilla' by some people. She didn't have any opinions, never initiated anything, was always very passive in social situations...in other words, I had to do all the spade-work every time and I felt I got very little back because she had nothing to contribute. I know this sounds unkind but I'm trying to be honest in order to throw light on OP's question. I sincerely hope this woman never realised I thought she was boring (I'm a very polite person!) but I didn't feel incentivised to seek her out or pursue a friendship with her. I did spend time with her and it wasn't unpleasant - but I was always keen to escape. Even now it's hard to analyse exactly what it was that was wrong - and why I didn't enjoy her company as much as that of my friends. I guess my point is - don't think that you can't have opinions or be a bit bold/provocative in relationships because being too bland and people-pleasing isn't the way to popularity.

But - what do we really mean by popularity? A few good mates who are fun but also supportive and loyal is what we all need - who needs a crowd of sycophants?