Feeling like an asshole re stepchild.

[MountVesuvius]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together. He has a 9 year old DD from previous relationship.

His 9 year old DD came to live with us 6 months ago after her mother had a breakdown. She’s always spent lots of time here and gets on very well with her siblings. She was happy about coming to live here and is seemingly thriving. She hasn’t seen her mother since she’s been here.

I work part time, care for our 2 year old and do the afternoon school runs, dinner etc. DH takes the DC to school in the morning and gets home from work at 6:30pm. He often works weekends.

I’m struggling with DSD. She is constantly telling tales and asking for things. I know a lot of kids do this, mine have at times, but this is constant. It’s starting to make me not want to be around her. DH has tried talking to her, telling her off etc and it doesn’t work, she just finds covert ways of asking for things.

It’s exhausting and making me miserable. I have 5 other children including a toddler and 2 teenagers and I just don’t have the emotional energy. DH is doing what he can but he needs to work.
I feel like an asshole, she’s a traumatised child and clearly attention seeking but I just can’t deal with it anymore.

You’re not an asshole.

I don’t have much advice for you other than you’re not an asshole. I suppose patience and love are what she needs in spades

There’s nothing wrong with struggling; I’ve been in a similar situation with less additional children and I struggled.
I suspect that part of the issue here is that you’re probably trying normal parenting strategies on a child who has experienced trauma so needs different kind of parenting. I’d recommend reading the a-z of therapeutic parenting - mainly because I doubt you have time to read a full book with all you have on but if you and your DH read the introduction then you can literally just look up the issues you’re experiencing for help dealing with it.
do you have any support from school? I’d ask for that too. Also why isn’t she seeing her mum? Can that be arranged in a safe way?

She needs therapy. She probably feels abandoned by her mother, and she no doubt feels the animosity radiating from you. Why hasn't her father gotten her help?

Thank you.

She is on the SEN register at school and is receiving a lot of support educationally and emotionally from them. I’m loathe to ask SS for support though…

I’ll have a look for that book now, thanks. It’s not safe for her to see her mum at the moment. She does spend time with my parents along with her siblings and they are very understanding and patient with her but she does really ramp up the asking for things constantly when she there.

The thing is it’s not even things she wants or needs, the minute she gets the thing she’s asked for she doesn’t want it anymore. I know she was both spoilt materially and also neglected emotionally by her mother so I think it’s just a really ingrained strategy as a way to feel loved. Or at least that’s my theory.

She has had play therapy for three months. The therapist felt she was secure and not really benefitting towards the end.

Your DH is an asshole for not realising that his DD has been through a traumatic separation from her unwell mother and just dumping her on you for you to sort out.

Where is he? Why isn't he stepping up and advocating for her to get the right help and support?

Don’t be a cunt.

She's struggling. She needs professional help, are you getting her any?

What do you mean by telling tales and asking for things?

YANBU to find it difficult, I would with my (biological) children, and even if none of the children had any additional issues you have a hell of a lot on your plate.

You're right that this isn't unexpected behaviour for a traumatised child. Is your DH looking into therapy, and giving you some time away?

@Herejustforthisone they seem to constantly be in wait to jump in and bash any SM. It's tiresome.

OP if play therapy no longer works for her maybe CBT will? If the behavior of wanting things as a need for validation is so ingrained it will take something to unlearn that. it would potentially give her the tools and space to get through what she is.

If you think she’s asking for love when she’s asking for things have you tried answering the unspoken question?

dsd - can I have an x
you - I love you (and give her a hug)

or if you think she’s asking for attention

dsd - can I have an x
you - I’m listening (and really listen)

Give it a go and see what happens.....

..What she is experiencing with regards to abandonment (sorry pressed send to soon)

Thanks all, the therapy provider recommended by the NHS near us only offers CBT for older children, 11 plus I think? I agree she would benefit.

Some examples are constantly asking for food and treats and then not eating them. Persistently asking for other people’s belongings, persistently asking for new clothes/shoes/accessories/toys and if she gets them not looking twice. Hoarding things in her room, feigning injuries to get attention, asking to do things, go places and then saying she’s bored as soon as we do those things. I get that this could be considered normal child behaviour but it’s constant.

That’s great advice, thanks you I will give it a go.

she wants attentiom

attention

No very constructive advice except to flag up that she’s gone from being an only child (?) in her mum’s home to one of 6 (?) in your home? That’s got to be difficult so seems like she’s attention seeking to find her place. She needs some 1-1 time at least with her dad.

What would you be doing to help the situation, if this was the behaviour of one of your biological children? What would you expect from your husband if it were one of his shared children with you?

If this was one of my biological children I would have been a lot stricter and nipped it in the bud. I don’t feel comfortable disciplining DSD or telling her off, although in certain situations I would.

DH has tried talking to her many times and also telling her off but she just becomes petulant and sad and then it starts again.

Is it perhaps as she has gone from being in an only child scenario at home to quite a busy house with lots of kids? Maybe doing it for attention? Could she get any 1 on 1 time to help?

Absolutely agree, yes she was an only child and the only grandchild so presumably had a lot of attention all the time. I know she was very spoilt in the material sense whereas I make a conscious effort not to with my biological DC. I’m assuming she didn’t get quality attention though? I really don’t know. It has always been an issue, I’m not sure if it’s worse now, I think it is.

Your DSD is just like mine. Its attachment issues, self worth, seeking love, validation and attention. She is now nearly 15 and is settling down slowly. Unfortunately she also srlf harms when she's angry with her mum. I equate it to having a Foster child living with us as she is a ful time job. With 5 other kids you don't have the time or energy to meet her needs and you need help.