Feeling like an asshole re stepchild.

[MountVesuvius]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together. He has a 9 year old DD from previous relationship.

His 9 year old DD came to live with us 6 months ago after her mother had a breakdown. She’s always spent lots of time here and gets on very well with her siblings. She was happy about coming to live here and is seemingly thriving. She hasn’t seen her mother since she’s been here.

I work part time, care for our 2 year old and do the afternoon school runs, dinner etc. DH takes the DC to school in the morning and gets home from work at 6:30pm. He often works weekends.

I’m struggling with DSD. She is constantly telling tales and asking for things. I know a lot of kids do this, mine have at times, but this is constant. It’s starting to make me not want to be around her. DH has tried talking to her, telling her off etc and it doesn’t work, she just finds covert ways of asking for things.

It’s exhausting and making me miserable. I have 5 other children including a toddler and 2 teenagers and I just don’t have the emotional energy. DH is doing what he can but he needs to work.
I feel like an asshole, she’s a traumatised child and clearly attention seeking but I just can’t deal with it anymore.

@MountVesuvius with five children I don't think you've got time to give attention to me!

Concentrate on the problems you've currently got and help your DSD.

Don't start getting into arguments on the internet, you've got enough on your plate.

At the moment, despite the fact that she is the most exhausting child,she also needs the most attention. Good or bad, she technically lost her mum,she lost her home, instead of being child she needs to fit in a big family now, does she still have regular contact with her maternal grandparents or are they gone too?
She needs love and reassurance ,but doesn't know how that really looks or how to ask for it. So she asks for things, which are then discarded because they don't feel that need/void. She's looking for reassurance and security (that you two love her,that you won't leave,that you won't also have a breakdown) so she asks for things as a test ,then discards them as they don't prove anything and the need is still there.

Spend time with her, teach her how to love,show her love. As PP's said give her cuddles,attention and listen when she asks for stuff. Try and distract. Make sure dad is a constant presence in her life and they regularly get 1 2 1 time together. Get her to join in with what you're doing, so she learns her presence is wanted and a source of fun and joy and not just a consequence of the circumstances.
Do some work(both of you) around regulating emotions,identifying them etc. and her self esteem.

Can you afford any help around the home to free up more time? Cleaning for example.

It's exhausting,it's hard work and you won't see an instant change, but it's worth it. The way this plays out now could affect the rest of her life. I wouldn't blame you though for finding it daunting or even wondering if you can actually do it.

Op you’re doing fine, taking the help and ignoring the wind up merchants. Your dsd is lucky to have you, and I can’t offer any help but good luck as I suspect it will be a tough time for you all and I hope it works out

Great advice, thank you 🙏🏻

Can you maybe get help? If you're her primary caregiver now you probably need some support - emotionally for yourself and also to best understand how to move forward supporting her?

I know it sounds simplistic, but have you and DH tried telling her that you have observed this pattern, are concerned that she is doing it because she is not sure she will get the attention she needs otherwise, but that this is not true? You have then have to remind her of the conversation when she asks for things again, but that would be a kind and non judgemental way to address it. And then quality time, maybe with both of you.

She's pushing boundaries to feel safe. She feels unsecure or anxious currently in some way and it's manifesting in her behaviour. She's essentially been abandoned by her mother, come on OP, that much is obvious that it's going to cause her to act up along the way.

Keep to firm but fair boundaries, so she knows you will both still be there, and she will start to feel more secure as time goes on. She will also be recalibrating and reforming bonds with her siblings, and Dad, and you! in the new dynamic still. Give her the same tolerance as your own children, but maybe with a little extra bonding time with Dad and you.

Well I feel the same about my youngest child ,and he’s not a step son.we are all human we can all only take so much

Would it not be better for her to stay with a grandparent or an aunt or even a family friend? I realise she is at her dad’s, but 6 kids all competing for attention? No wonder she is unsettled.

She needs long term therapy, 12 sessions isn't enough and has only caused another loss of a relationship with her therapist.
Try to change your mindset from attention seeking behaviour to attachment seeking.
She is desperate to have her unmet emotional needs met but can't express this verbally.
Had her dad sat her down and talked about where her mum is and what's happening? She is living with uncertainty which will make her extremely anxious.
Provide clear boundaries for her to push up against. In these moments be empathetic and give her some suggestions for how she may be feeling, angry, let down, lonely etc
Most of all get her some professional help.

Op there's a really good book called 'next steps in parenting the child that hurts' (there's a version for parenting toddlers and one for older children) It is primarily written for adopters, but it has a few chapters explaining the impact of trauma/separation and then each chapter looks at a different behaviour that can stem from trauma and how to approach it - eg stealing, lying, fighting, running away.
Appreciate you won't have much time for reading but it is an easy read (ie it is a practical guide rather than an academic book) and is one that you can dip in and out of.

Re SS; they wouldn't likely get involved as you and her dad have stepped up when their mum wasn't able to care - however they might have support from 'early help' or the equivalent, which is family support rather than social workers. Depends what is in your area but they might be able to offer something short term

You don’t mention what SEN she has but I have a child with Aspergers (8) who really knows how to push my buttons. Sometimes he pushes so hard because being told off can be as rewarding to him as positive interaction. He just wants attention, and life is busy, etc etc. he’s a really lovely child, but he can be extremely demanding. What I find does help (when I have the energy and wherewithal to think of it) is to validate his feelings as I understand them. So for example, child is playing up, my response: ‘I know you find this difficult’ or ‘I know you don’t want to go to the shops’. I don’t stop what we are doing when we have jobs to do but I do find it helps him. Also, the best of all is just finding time to be together, sitting and watching a film. But I’m wrung out with 2 kids, you certainly have a lot on your plate.

I personally think this would be the worst thing to do. The poor child may feel like nobody wants her.

I'm sure the behaviour is testing, but the poor child has been through a lot. She was never going to just move in with OP and siblings and be fine.

@SmartCarDriver the op is asking for help. I would put money on it you've had zero experience in this situation to not appreciate this isn't a case of giving attention.

You are not going to beable to help with her mental wellbeing. If only attention and love fixed it!

Create a routine so there are no surprises. Be there if she asks. Minimise her choices, I've always gone with a max of 2.

This life change for her will take longer than a few months so you and dh need to commit to it! Honestly, don't feel bad for anything you have done or other "experts" on here have implied you haven't done. Your work is creating a secure environment and nurturing.

I haven't got to the end of the thread but some ideas-

Buy in support where you can, take the pressure off.

121 time with her dad- she needs him most right now, even if it isn't fair.

Her neediness- it's attention needing, not attention seeking.
Treat her like a toddler at those t8mes, but in a light hearted way. So if she's got an injury, even if imaginary, give it some magic cream, kiss it better, put a plaster on it. Make it part of the tea time routine 'right, who's got an ouchie? Ok here we go, have a plaster and a cuddle,'

She's trying to get her needs met, it's a strength not a weakness. Use it to teach all the DC self care.

Do self care strategies with all of them 'who's had a hard day? Come on then, let's have a hot choc and snuggle under the blankets'

It would be really easy to push her away because she's so draining- bit that will feed the vicious circle. Pull her in closer. Structure her time, baby her, read her stories, cuddle her, feed her, if you can find an excuse to. It will pay off with reduced neediness.

They are an attention seeking troll, probably bored teen, angry drunk or lonely old man.

Thank you so much for all the amazing advice, I’m so overwhelmed by the kindness. Have just had a falling out with her dad, he feels I moan about her all the time but I just want him to be more involved. I am tirelessly trying to find solutions.

Go away, do.

Have you read "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk?"

So responses do requests be "oh you're hungry", "oh you wish you could have that"

But the thing that helps us most of all is that we have a therapist for our child. Self-funded, costs us about £100/month, but it’s an investment in his well-being and his future (that I really hope pays off)

What about using the phrase, we will put it on the list for Santa ? Not sure if it's effectiveness.

Try child-led play. Basically for 10-15 mins every day she has one-on-one time where she gets to decide what game to play & the adult follows her lead. I would say this should be her dad, but I suspect that she also needs to be secure in her attachment to you. So maybe you could also do it occasionally.

Really, really praise every little thing that is positive (no harm doing this with all the other DC too). Feels very OTT at first but it does help.

Ignore the pestering, but accept it will get worse for a short time (extinction burst).

It sounds like she will be living with you permanently, so don’t treat her differently to your own children, even with discipline because it may make her feel more of an outsider.

I think you would benefit from outside help, but these are strategies you can start straight away.

My DSD has counselling through school backed up with referrals from SS. She also has mentor support and through the safeguarding lead.