Feeling like an asshole re stepchild.

[MountVesuvius]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together. He has a 9 year old DD from previous relationship.

His 9 year old DD came to live with us 6 months ago after her mother had a breakdown. She’s always spent lots of time here and gets on very well with her siblings. She was happy about coming to live here and is seemingly thriving. She hasn’t seen her mother since she’s been here.

I work part time, care for our 2 year old and do the afternoon school runs, dinner etc. DH takes the DC to school in the morning and gets home from work at 6:30pm. He often works weekends.

I’m struggling with DSD. She is constantly telling tales and asking for things. I know a lot of kids do this, mine have at times, but this is constant. It’s starting to make me not want to be around her. DH has tried talking to her, telling her off etc and it doesn’t work, she just finds covert ways of asking for things.

It’s exhausting and making me miserable. I have 5 other children including a toddler and 2 teenagers and I just don’t have the emotional energy. DH is doing what he can but he needs to work.
I feel like an asshole, she’s a traumatised child and clearly attention seeking but I just can’t deal with it anymore.

Sorry, I could have missed something but can I ask why hasn’t she seen her mum?
I know you said she has had a breakdown and that’s why dsd has come to live with you.

But could some sort of contact be arranged? A supervised visit? FaceTime call? Letters or cards?

That poor girl

Definitely looking for attention as reassurance because she is missing that from her Mum, even before coming to live with you. Just keep up the hugs and reassurance (without the material stuff). And the material things won’t work which is why she discards them
when she gets them. Bless you OP for keeping going. You and DH need to keep up the reassurance/security.

What happens if you say no and change the topic? It defines sounds attention seeking, like she wants the stuff to fill an emotional need. Have you or dh ever taken her out and spent one on one time with her without the siblings. She might be feeling very displaced knowing she isn't one of your kids. I feel for all of you, it's a tough situation.

You are doing a great job. It must be a really hard situation to navigate. If her mum won't be around for the forseeable future it seems you will need to take on more of that role including discipline. Children need boundaries to feel safe and loved. She is understandably testing those boundaries. She will feel abandoned even if she isn't showing it. A mixture of firm but fair and lots of love and cuddles and hopefully over time she will come to realise that you won't adandon her.

What kind of help and from where though?

She FaceTimes with her once a week but it’s not safe for her to have visits yet, hopefully soon though. Her mum has a serious mental illness and the situation is being assessed by Cafcass.

You would've nipped trauma and SEN in the bud?

Really?

You've a child that all her siblings share the same mother and she doesn't and is struggling, but you would've nipped it in he bud?

If my child was constantly asking for things and attention seeking then yes. It not a comparable situation. Obviously there would be no separation trauma involved if it was my own children would there??

No help at all but I know a lot of people find 9 a tricky age even without the additional trauma and needs she’s dealing with.

Is she getting solo quality time with her dad? I realise there are a lot of children to consider but he’s her constant.

I definitely think this is the way forward. She's asking for affection the only way she knows how. So give her the affection she's asking for, not the thing. And also, ask her for affection. So showing her how. Say that you're feeling abit lonely so could you have a cuddle. That kind of thing.

So you agree it's not relative to this child? So why did you mention what you would've done with your child?

You sound awful to be honest.

Because someone asked how I would deal with that behaviour in my biological children. Honestly I don’t have time for trolls, it’s boring an attention seeking. I’m looking for constructive ways forward.

What an odd response?

You say "troll"?

Not me, I don't think you're very kind or understanding with a child with SEN and trauma issues that's getting help but not managing.

Much better to ditch the professionals and cone to MN to solve the issues, eh?

Ok I understand.

Does your DSD understand the reason why she can’t see her mother is that it isn’t safe or has she been given some other reason?

I’m guessing she will have some understanding.

To be honest, all things considered I don’t think her behaviour is too bad. Draining on yourself, I completely agree but I really think with all she has been through and is currently going through things could be in a much darker place.

I understand your husband works but this is to much for you to deal with in your own

Yes, I feel this would be really positive and will talk to DH tonight.

I think if she gets the quality attention in other ways the negative behaviour may stop, it’s difficult with so many other children with their needs and working full time but time has to be made.

Surely you're the best judge of that. Something may have changed from her perspective and set her back in the progress she made with the therapist.
Could you be involved with the therapy and do stuff at home to continue the the process?
Sounds like it's bloody tough and you are being a really good parent to her. Definitely not an asshole.

Are you looking for my attention?

Look st therapeutic parenting techniques. I have freinds who are Foster parents and they use these techniques to help children with attachment and other issues.
If nothing else it night help you understand why she does things and help you find it less annoying

Are you looking for my attention?*

Not as much as your step child.

Yes, I think sometimes the shock of the change can paralyse feelings, then as things start to settle down the fallout begins. On the positive side she is a lovely child, laid back and kind and also resilient, I think she’ll come through this, just bloody hard work right now.

But you are a bit?

I would push ss for an assessment for direct payments. Friend has this for one of her children. A carer then comes and takes them out twice a week for 3 hours and does something with them away from the home. Friend gets a break, the 1:1 attention really helps the child.

I think you said you have teenagers? Could one of them take her under their wing a bit? I have found with children in my family that at around that age they are often really keen on time with kids a bit older.

When she asks for such and such, would it be possible to maybe try saying 'not at the moment, I'm just doing xyz but come give me a hug for a minute...'
I don't know if it's unusual or not but I often ask my kids for a quick cuddle for no reason, or grab them as they're walking past (they're always willing, even now as young teens.)

My (very tired) thinking being maybe she'll learn to come for a quick hug instead of the habit of asking for something? Like replacing her need for attention/affection by giving her a meaningful hug moment instead of asking xyz.

I didn’t know this was possible, sounds really good scheme. I’ll find out whether she’d be eligible.