Wedding nerves and doubts ....

[metrynoo]

I am getting married next month.
To a lovely man,we have been together 18 months now and engaged for 6 months.
Everything is sorted ...then I get this fear.
Aibu to feel like this?
I don't even know why
It's just a massive thing isn't it
Anyone else have these feelings ?

I'm glad you feel you love him, but it seems to me that fear of being alone or leaving marriage too late is a bigger motivator.

OK.
So - what are your deep down reasons for feeling apprehensive?

Pragmatically - is there a big difference in finances (current or future) between you, & if so, who is richer? If you're marrying a Murdoch, you're unlikely to come away with anything worse than a broken heart, even if it does all fall apart. If you are significantly better off - then think very carefully. Broken hearts heal much quicker than savings, pensions and equity in a house, I'm afraid.

Marriage is best when it doesn't change your relationship much. I had no doubts when I married my DH, but a) we'd been together for decades and we're very happy b) I knew exactly why we were getting married - pensions and taxes!

Even in your 40s, it sounds like the shorter end of the typical time to the altar. It would be sensible to sit down and discuss finances, values, expectations, plans in grim detail - and get to know his family well - before actually marrying. And you say, "no kids expected" - if you are talking vasectomy or tied tubes or implant or Mirena, fair enough, but otherwise, people do sometimes have babies in their 40s, and not always planned...

The more planning, discussion and general due diligence you do now, the lighter your heart will be on your wedding day.

Completely agree with @46566fhvshdhh

The thing is none of the reasons you have given for wanting to get married are bad ones, but at the same time none of them NEED you to be married.

So what’s putting you off?

It's the reason for marriage which the thing you need to ask yourself right now
You have set yourself a deadline to settle down and Marry in 3 years time and I can't help but feel you're settling to meet your self imposed deadline.
Are you in love with him? Can you imagine a future without him?
Listen you your inner voice and at least postpone the wedding
Divorce is very expensive
Age is just a number.

But these are reasons you want to get married. They are not reasons you want to get married to him.

Husband propsed 3 weeks after we met. No doubts in our minds. We would have married immediately but when we met he was separated from his previous wife and had to wait for the divorce. Took a long time back in the 70s. Met late 71, married early 74 and still together. Never any regrets. But other people take longer.

He is the most well off.
He earns more than me.
He sold his house and moved into my house and I've added him to the mortgage

So you've already made the big financial commitment. No planned children and a reducing chance of accidents makes any future relationship breakdown far simpler.

The situation sounds quite straightforward with relatively little to lose compared to your current situation.

Length of relationship tends to have little to do with marriage "sucess" especially as people get older and less likely to substantially change in personality and situation.

I think you should relax, op. There's nothing at risk here. If you're happy with him, go for it.

I married my husband within 14 months of meeting. We've been married 31 years this year. And I'm not that spontaneous.

That's just your opinion.

From your most recent post
They are still not reasons to marry HIM
You have been living in YOUR house and have already added him to YOUR mortgage
I would question his motives. It's not about having someone to come to, or who's the higher earner
I think your friends and family are seeing things you aren't

I got married after less than a year of knowing my husband. I didn’t have any worries about marrying him. He’s the only person I’ve ever even considered marrying.

I had a wobble on the morning ignored it and now sadly getting divorced. It's been a brutal break up like no pain I have ever been through before x

So he's moved in and is on the mortgage.

His house money - are you named on the account that's in?

My advice now would be wait a bit. You've done a lot in the short time you've known him - holidays, moving in, him selling up, naming him on your mortgage ...

He's already the one you'll come home to every day because you share a house now. I would leave it a year before making any more legal commitments. There's no rush.
Good luck OP :)

I got engaged to DH after four months and married a year after that. Married 32 years this year.

It is a massive thing (so many things are exaggerated this is not one of them). The last two years have not been normal, it would have been very different if we were having this discussion say in 2018.

Good luck OP.

My husband asked me to marry him four days after we met. Married 15 months later. I was 18. He 21. I was pregnant - horrors “unmarried mother to be” in the awful 60’s. We were married for fifty two years - with many ups and downs but we loved each other to the very end.

if you can imagine getting old with your partner and maybe becoming his career in later life then this may give you something else to consider. Perhaps him coming completely dependent on you. I never thought it would happen to me either, Just a thought.

You sound like my sister. She wanted to BE married as she saw that as the ultimate societal accolade, and she really could not cope with being single. It lasted 6 weeks.

There is nothing wrong with not being married - especially if no kids are involved.

Only you know whether you're having flashes of The Fear- that moment where you think about how you are about to make a huge change without a crystal ball and your stomach drops as you focus on the general possible risks- or you are indeed starting to get cold feet. I've had The Fear before new jobs, starting uni, buying my flat and yes once during engagement and IME it's more about giving yourself moments to think about the downsides and risks and try to take stock, mitigate and have a plan b. It's never stopped me doing something so far, in fact the one time I didn't get it a all was when I did make a disastrous life mistake- I willed myself not to have it I think.

We got engaged after 20 months and after a year of living together. We knew very quickly we loved each other and wanted this and my parents, the ultimate hangers around, were satisfied too. We are both aware that this is a financial contract and have discussed this from the get go and planned accordingly- we've viewed it as taking out insurance. We've also planned a long engagement. Partly because it gives us time to grow us a couple and walk away financially unscathed if it comes to it- we will have been together just under four years. But he's the only person I've ever wanted to marry. I've never worried about marrying HIM even when considering divorce in a wider context.

Only you know OP. Is it cold feet or are you just waking up to the inherent risk in the situation and recognising that you're not immune?

Are you more nervous about the size of the wedding?

I was very calm through all the getting ready part, had no doubts at all. Even the hotel staff were shocked at how chilled I was, think they usually have panicky brides for some reason (no idea why they had everything planned perfectly, nothing went wrong). I only got nervous when I saw the people in the ceremony room waiting and I hate crowds looking at me. Mine wasn't even a big wedding, it was small (less than 50). I just panicked and wanted to get to my now husband for support, nearly ran down the aisle! After the ceremony, no issues.

We had already made a big commitment to each other, bought a house together. I don't see marriage as a financial contract really, or a change in our relationship in anyway. I just wanted to be his wife, and he wanted to be my husband.

Is it getting married as a process or the person you are marrying?

I had wobbles about my soon to be husband but some bad behaviour had already started which I naively thought would get better.

The marriage failed.

Time to think - what is worrying you.

So his name is on your mortgage. What happened to the money from his house sale? Where did that go? Have you ringed fenced your original house deposit money, and the part of the mortgage you had already paid off? Is he in debt?