Wedding nerves and doubts ....

[metrynoo]

I am getting married next month.
To a lovely man,we have been together 18 months now and engaged for 6 months.
Everything is sorted ...then I get this fear.
Aibu to feel like this?
I don't even know why
It's just a massive thing isn't it
Anyone else have these feelings ?

Yes we live together,we have been living together from 4 months In

I know you might be joking, but if you're not - getting married because you think you're in Last Chance Saloon isn't the best reason!

I don't think 2 years is rushing it, but it is if you're having doubts. How do you feel about cancelling/postponing but still living together? How would he feel?

I think it's because we've been together 18 months but my last relationship was 5 years and no engagement...so if I compare it makes me panic a bit

Absolutely NOT a reason ro get married

Oh I was only joking about that 🙈

It doesn't help that last night I was watching friends -Emily escapes her wedding through the bathroom window

Why are you getting married? Of course it can be just because you want to, but do you feel you need to be married? Is being married something you've always wanted? You don't have kids and aren't going to have any, so no reason to marry because of that. Are you financially independent?

I'm just asking out of curiosity. I think a bit of jitters is totally normal, btw.

Getting a divorce has never been easier. It's when you introduce kids and property into the mix that it gets messy.

I wouldn’t marry someone after 2 years, that’s just not long enough to really know someone. I’ve just married my husband this year and we’ll be celebrating our 10th year together this year!

I think I've always thought marriage was the ultimate stability.
I told myself by three years time I would br settled and married and stable.

Is this the pressure to marry you're feeling? Are you settling for someone just 'ok'?

@BeeDavis it's actually 1 1/2 years to be precise
We met November 2020

It’s ok to be nervous OP, but you need to work out why you’re nervous.
Is it just the ‘short’ time?
or do you feel you’re settling?

I just got engaged after 2 years of living together. Can’t imagine life without my DP, I dont see what waiting another 2+ years would add. Some people commented it’s too soon, but we know ourselves. Everything feels natural, while with other exes I always felt I was holding some part of myself back. I need a lot of personal space, time to dream and obsess over my own projects. I’ve never had to explain that to DP as he’s the same!

If there are no kids, what have you got to lose? Any divorce etc you’re just back to where you started. But at the same time there’s no reason to rush into marriage.

It’s all about the root of your feelings really, talk it over with a trusted family member or friends.

Also to add marriage is as PP said a legal contract! There’s no reason to rush into it, unless you need to (kids/immigration/etc). Everyone has their own pace

You may not, but it works very well for many, many people. I married my husband after two years and we've been very happy for 25+ years.

2 years - well less for you is quite a short time, although it’s totally subjective. I’ll be frank, I was nervous about my wedding but that’s because I struggle socially and the thought of being the centre of attention was a lot. I had no doubts whatsoever though, I knew it was the right decision for me. I’m usually pretty indecisive so for me to be so certain was unusual. If you do have doubts there’s no rush.

Marriage is only stable if the two people involved are good together and on a really even emotional keel.

Also, for too many people, weddings are performative. The foundations aren't good if this is the case.

My first marriage was an amour fou which imploded just two years later. I was rushed into something and experienced loads of doubts, yet I still did it. I don't regret it, as such (I try not to do regrets) but I'm frankly embarrassed at the way I allowed myself to go along with something so rash. And ignore my gut instinct because I wanted the razzmatazz of a wedding.

A few nerves are natural with a big commitment, but as I said to a friend in your position, ask yourself how you'd feel if DP came to you and said he's unsure

Whether that's is "devastated" or "secretly a bit relieved", you'll almost certainly have your answer

Blimey, you don't waste time, do you? Was setting your goal to be married with X years something to do with the speed at which you are moving?

I had a wobble, got married and regretted getting married.

Answer again why you're getting married OP.

That's the best way to unpick this here. Try to answer fully.

Me - i got nervous/cold feet before marrying 1st husband. I went through with it because i hadn't the guts to call it off. I was young though. We divorced after 10 years. We were never a real love match, more friends, and i left him when i fell head over heels in love with another man.

2nd husband - i couldn't WAIT to get up the aisle with him and we've been blissfully happily married for 11 years and i adore the bones of him.

So if you were my friend i'd advise caution.

Put much more succinctly than me 😂

I knew I wanted to settle down.
Had a crap date then met my partner.
It was fun and we started having nice holidays and he moved in.
Then I knew I wanted to marry him and feel that stability all the time

You haven't said the word 'love' i see ....

Stability then. What does that mean?
(i'm not being sarky i'm exploring this with you 🙂)

Having someone to come home too
Someone I can enjoy my time with
Someone to do all the nice things with
Nobody wants to go home to a empty house after a day at work
The fear of ending up all alone
I do love him