To think a mum would fix everything

[TooMuchTooTired]

My mum died when I was 13.

I have recently left an abusive relationship and, because we have children together I still have to see him and he's still managing to have a really negative effect on my life. It takes every ounce of energy I have to keep going. I have no family support nearby and although I'm lucky to have friends, they're all mum friends who have their own stuff going on.

I keep thinking if I had a mum she would fix everything. She would help me with the kids, give me a hug, deal with my ex, give me advice. And there is no one else who can take her place. This isn't a job you can hire in or get a friend to do.

AIBU to think that those of us who have lost our mums or those who have absent or rubbish mums are missing out on a huge and unique support?

Realistically it's unlikely that she would fix everything but would be providing a lot of support. It is fair to say that friends can't usually replace a good mum and I'm sorry you're in the position.

Obviously not all mothers are like that and in some ways being present/alive but uninvolved and disappointing is it’s own challenge but yes OP you aren’t wrong 💕. My mum has been hugely supportive throughout my life but especially during difficult periods and with my children. Raising kids without your own mum can be really challenging. Sounds like you’re doing your best and you should be proud of yourself but you’re allowed to be sad about it. Sending lots of love.

A mum, a dad, a sister, a brother

Sometimes it's nice to just have a hug and feel loved. No longer got parents but still have OH to hug when I'm down.

I think sometimes another close family member can step into that sort of role but it's not the kind of relationship you can just go out and find I think.

I miss my Mum terribly, after many years. I have fully accepted she is gone, but I still think "what if". I still think about her every day, and talk to her. I know it might sound strange, but it helps me. Nobody can fix everything.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your Mum, and you are lucky to have had that, many people have not.

What really? My mum does none of that, I’m a lone parent with 4 kids and she won’t even help me with them as “you chose to have them” so no not all mums are like that sadly

I'm sorry you lost your Mum, and when you were so young 💐

Its only natural that you feel a Mum would do& be everything you said. Totally natural. However, it's far from the reality for most people.Having that perfect relationship is definitely not the norm.

im very sorry you're missing your Mum xx.

You're right. It's really unfair that some people have loving and supportive mums and others have never experienced this or have lost it at an early age. FWIW I was in my forties when my mum died and she was never like that. I hope you have some supportive friends.

If I were your mum I’d do all of those things. Losing a mum is hard. But at 13 is particularly awful.

my mother is alive, but isn’t a kind supportive mum.
yes I think having a loving supportive mum, or other close relative, must be lovely and make a big difference. I’ve always been jealous of people with mums/sisters they are close to and mutually supportive of.

sounds like your going through a tough time op. I hope things improve soon.

Sorry to see you lost your mum so young op. I’d love my mum to fix things aswell but she doesn’t! Infact I often think she makes things worse sometimes and is actually really crap in any kind of pressured or stressful situation! She’s an absolute flapper and aggravates me no end. So maybe some mums help fix things but not all! My dad is far more a fixer xxx

Orr dad.
Not all caring and nurturing is down to females.

Sorry for your loss. I too have lost my mum ( and dad).

You are right. I have a cold, unloving and withdrawn mother. I needed her more than ever when DH was sick but she was nowhere to be seen. I am envious of those that have parents they can/did rely on, I have never known that but I made damned sure that my kids did.

for you, OP.

Ah big hugs, your mum.must have been amazing and would be so proud of you right now.

It hurts because she is worth missing. It hurts because she was wonderful.

My mum is abusive and mil decided to 'live her best life ever' and emergrated when my second child was five days old. Both are physically and mentally unavailable and mil is also very critical from afar. Step mil hates kids and is insanely jealous of anyone getting near fil. So I have four adults in the generation above me who are actually a hindrance in my life.

I long for a loving mother figure but its something i have never experienced not even for a split second.

I'm my own hero as Naff as that sounds. I'm always here. I can fix anything for me and the kids. I never let myself down.

This just made me well up! What a lovely thing to say 🥺

I’m so sorry. I have no idea what’s worse.

ACTUALLY losing your mother at a young age, or realising much later that the one you have doesn’t want the best for you, and actually sabotages your happiness/safety.

grieving a mother while she’s still alive is so sad, because it never stops hurting that she COULD have been loving/supportive to you when you were really down and life was kicking you, but she chose to add to the kicking

in so sorry for your loss

all you can do is vow to be the best mum to your kids that you can be, make sure they know you love them and are there for them.

And I actually do a lot of those things for my dearest friends, we can choose our friends and sometimes they come through in the most wonderful and unexpected situations

Not necessarily. Many mothers are crap and only interested in themselves/partner.
Take off your rose-tinted glasses; MN may be awash with people who have great parents, but they are not a fully representative sample!

I had one of those Mums and she died a few years ago. It's left a big gap.
A loving, supportive parent is worth their weight in gold.
Sorry for your loss. My DD is a teen and I hope I'll be around for her for some time yet..

I lost my Mum nearly four years ago, she was all of the wonderful things that you said in your OP.

I am a single Mum to two kids with no family support whatsoever.

My friends are my lifeline now but can’t really help with childcare.

I miss her a lot & also miss being someone’s priority. I’ve very grateful for the years I did have with her & will always remember how amazingly supportive she was when she was here.

A good mum would(just like a good friend,father,brother,sister,aunt etc ) would.
A bad one would just pile on more pressure,guilt and disapproval.

I don't have a good one so I mostly rely on my friends or OH in times of crisis.

I voted YABU because as a widowed father of two DCs, I find your post slightly upsetting. I became lone parent to my children 10 years ago, early stage primary age. I've managed to bring them up to be happy, secure, doing well academically and with good and supportive circles of friends. It has been very difficult at times, not least because I have no family support myself and suffer from long term MH problems.

I know that what you actually said was that those with absent or inadequate mothers (and I'm unfortunately in that category too) are missing out hugely, and that may well be true.

I also accept that I'm being over-sensitive here, but your post has triggered strong feelings of guilt, inadequacy and sadness because I'm 'just the father'.

Amen to all of this. Knowing your mum.has lived to a ripe old age in good body and mind but has chosen to hurt you. Nothing hurts more than knowing your mum, the one who is supposed to love you unconditionally wants to see you in pain. It must be wonderful to have a lovely mum. I cant even imagine what that must be like

If you have a great mum you know it? But like many posters not all mums are maternal or prepared to do much. My own mum didn’t make the effort to see my DD in Special care. We were told get your family here if you want them
to meet her and she didn’t. It was all good when it was me travelling to her though once DD had won her fight.

I hear you, OP. My dad died very suddenly when I was a similar age and there were some fairly harrowing circumstances for the immediate years afterwards. It took decades for me to see how it all had affected my relationships with men, and I had some fairly shocking episodes. My self-worth was absolutely non-existent for a good while.

I didn't even realise for about 20 years that I'd been so badly affected. I just thought I was an awful person.