To think a mum would fix everything

[TooMuchTooTired]

My mum died when I was 13.

I have recently left an abusive relationship and, because we have children together I still have to see him and he's still managing to have a really negative effect on my life. It takes every ounce of energy I have to keep going. I have no family support nearby and although I'm lucky to have friends, they're all mum friends who have their own stuff going on.

I keep thinking if I had a mum she would fix everything. She would help me with the kids, give me a hug, deal with my ex, give me advice. And there is no one else who can take her place. This isn't a job you can hire in or get a friend to do.

AIBU to think that those of us who have lost our mums or those who have absent or rubbish mums are missing out on a huge and unique support?

Oh sweetie. I 100% get how you're feeling. No, in reality they probably wouldn't fix everything but in your mind, they would.

I lost my Dad. When my husband left and became an utter bastard, I kept thinking if he was still here he would have buried my stbex under the patio or that none of this would have happened. Last weekend I had a meltdown because my garden was so overgrown and I kept thinking hed of never let that happen and he'd of been here with the strimmer helping me! Its a natural feeling xx

A really big virtual hug to you OP. I'm not your mum of course but if I knew you in real life I'd be there with hugs and support. You sound like you are doing brilliantly by yourself. You got yourself out of that relationship, you are carrying on, you are looking after your kids. Just keep going as you are. You are fab!

I am so so so sorry OP. I lost my mum when my youngest child was 8. Every milestone for one of my kids and every challenge, I miss her so much it literally hurts. Same for myself and health issues. I still wake up wondering if she's really gone. If I knew you, I'd give you a hug. Keep going. It will get better.

I’m so sorry that you lost your mum, especially at such a young age.

But what this thread is mainly making me feel (perhaps selfishly) is that I take my absolutely bloody wonderful parents for granted. I’m going to give them a call right now.

I can't say whether having your Mum around would mean you have all these things you crave. I have a lot of friends who have challenging relationships with their Mums. But I do think losing a parent as a child has a profound impact that lasts whole life. (I lost my Dad in my teens.) You learn to live with it but it changes you forever and you carry the scars permanently.

No real advice but sending hugs, OP. I get it.

I think you're making an awful lot of assumptions. My mum is great in many ways but wouldn't do those things and I don't know anyone whose mum would.

Thank you to everyone for your responses. I'm having a low day (you can probably tell!) and my go to when I'm down is to think that if I had a mum then I could call her and she'd make everything better which is neither helpful nor true! All the responses have helped. I'll try to reply to some now although I can't get the hang of replying to a specific post so we'll see how that goes!

Thank you. X

That doesn't sound naff at all. I hope one day I have the strength to believe I am my own hero. On good days I can see that I have overcome quite a lot but I think I have too many days of feeling like I'm drowning to feel strong enough to be a hero yet.

I'm so sorry for your loss. When you say you miss being someone's priority - I think that's what I feel like I need.

If you have a decent mum then yes, losing her, at any age, is astonishingly hard. Mine wasn't perfect and my word we had some serious issues but there I miss her a lot, especially as a parent myself. I also, to my surprise, while quite ill with Covid a while back, found myself desperately wishing she was here and shed a few tears over it.

She wouldn't magically make it all better, no. But that security blanket that your mum represents is a truly awful thing to lose.

Having said that, you sound like you're working really hard to be that for your children and support them so she clearly taught you well!

I understand your longing for that big (even virtual) hug and support from a Mum.
You will no doubt realise, in truth, not everyone who still has their Mum gets that kind of support or has that sort of relationship, but you will not be unusual amongst those of us who have lost our Mums to really yearn for it, no.

Having seen my dad raising us whilst dealing with his own grief I have nothing but admiration for you. I am very fortunate that my dad is a really good dad. I can only speak from my own experience, but my dad and my friends' dads are good at responding to requests for specific help but it doesn't seem to be instinctive for them to know what help is needed. For example, if I ask my dad to wash up he would happily, but he wouldn't think to do it otherwise. Whereas my friends mums come over and without being asked the washing up is done, the hoover has been run round, etc. When I feel like I'm drowning I don't have the headspace or energy to ask for help and this fictional mum in my head would just know what I need and sort it. But please don't compare yourself to this fictional mum because she isn't real, she's what I imagine I need when I'm feeling very down.

My mum died when I was five and yes, I've thought this many times.

A friend of mine recently went through a break-up after a 20 year marriage that had her broken - her mum and dad have been an amazing source of help and support. She had that too her whole adult life though.

I think @SisyphusDad raises a good point here. How about your father?

Mine is dead now too but when I was growing up he was very inconsistent and violent at times (way beyond smacking). He tried sometimes but there is no way I would go to him with any problems seeking any kind of support. I sometimes overlook that when I think about the loss of my mother - it wasn't just my mother, it was both parents effectively lost. I was extremely lucky to have an amazing older brother and family friends who took me under their wing though.

The pain and loss of having a surviving parent that is unsupportive and hurtful really exaggerates the loss of losing the first one.

Sorry xpost - see you've just answered that.

Your message speaks to me a lot. I still have times when I think I must be an awful person. Sending love x

It's exactly that. I'm so sorry you lost your dad. It really is so hard x

Thank you so much. You're very kind x

I'm so sorry you've also lost your mum. It truly is real pain. For many years after she died I'd have dreams where she was alive and then have to go through the realisation again when I woke up. Sending so much love x

Hug them so tight. They're amazing x

I agree, I sometimes wonder what sort of person I would be had my mum not died. I'm so sorry you lost your dad. Sending love x

YABU. I lost my mum at 20, and have been in several abusive relationships, infact, i was in one when she died and she had no idea. Infact, i even stayed longer because my mum died believing i loved him and he was a good man who would take care of me now she was gone.

Mums aren't magical beings, they can't just "fix" things. Your ex will be a bastard with or without your mum around. On top of that, not all mums want to help with childcare and be hands on grandparents, and many are not great with sympathy. As for advice, unless she's been in the exact poisition you're in, she can't advise any better than anyone else who hasn't been through it. My own mum, yes she loved me, but she was not good at dealing with my MH issues, she had little patience for it unfortunately. My dad however, has always been my absolute rock, my best friend, my biggest supporter.

So yes, YABU, plenty of people could step in and be the support you need, or give you relevant help and advice. This is actually potentially pretty insensitive to those whose mums were abusive, absent etc, and dismissive of dads like they're lesser to mums as parents.

My mums pretty useless and needs constant support rather than giving any.

Sorry you.lost your Mum so young. It must be devastating for you. My Mum died too, but she was there when my kids were small and helped me with child care. Now if I have a big issue and I don't know what to do I look at her photo and say to myself, what would Mum suggest to do. Then I do what I think she would have said to do. Bonkers I know, but it works for me.

And this is what happens. I try to be a wonderful mum to my adult children but it’s all taken for granted. They seem to think I should be there for them 24/7 but there’s no gratitude or recognition that I am a person too with hopes fears and dreams. I am just someone who should always put them first irrespective of what’s happening in my life.