To think a mum would fix everything

[TooMuchTooTired]

My mum died when I was 13.

I have recently left an abusive relationship and, because we have children together I still have to see him and he's still managing to have a really negative effect on my life. It takes every ounce of energy I have to keep going. I have no family support nearby and although I'm lucky to have friends, they're all mum friends who have their own stuff going on.

I keep thinking if I had a mum she would fix everything. She would help me with the kids, give me a hug, deal with my ex, give me advice. And there is no one else who can take her place. This isn't a job you can hire in or get a friend to do.

AIBU to think that those of us who have lost our mums or those who have absent or rubbish mums are missing out on a huge and unique support?

Another one who's mum isn't the greatest support, and in fact often makes things worse. Still love her and I'm sorry you lost your mum so young, that's tough

I understand where you are coming from. I lost my Mum at 25, she died 3 years later - she was in a coma.

I wish she could have met my daughter and that she could have been there when I split up with DD's dad. A hug from her could help so much.

My Dad and siblings are great but there is still a hole that can never be filled.

I lost my dad slightly younger.

My mum got me to adulthood well, but my child-raising years have fallen with her getting older and more insular. I've just seen her for the first time in a year! She's not that far away, but far enough that I'm not in the area to pop in and she can't get up to me so I'm dependent on non-existant invitations. It was 2 years since she saw DS2, and it's been over 2.5 years since she saw DS1 who she doesn't like.

I don't spend much time dwelling on what-ifs. I supppose I lost my dad just early enough to have not had a glimpse of teenage/ adult relationship potential. I do think he would have been more cohesive at holding the family together instead of it drifting off.

DH's mum is in another country, very elderly and slowly dying so as a family it's been nearly 3 years since it was practical to see her as a family. She was in hospital when we tried last year so the DCs and I were prohibited from seeing her.

Fortunately DH is a good egg, because it is just me and him. Mums don't automatically make things better. It's hard because mums are such an idealised, rose-tinted relationship. I have no love of mother's day or father's day. Both have their own sting in the tail.

I lost my mum when I was 9 OP and I often wish I had the support of a mother but I also know that our relationship may not have been the rose tinted version I have in my head and that we may not have got on very well so I try not to get too hung up on it. It doesn't stop me from feeling cheated a lot of times though.

I try to keep a few friends close that I can rely on when times are hard but it can be hard to lean on them when they have their own families and lives too.

My mother was very unsupportive to me

Big hugs to you OP. Losing your mum at that age must have been really hard.

FWIW although I love and get on with my mum, who is very kind, her house always open to me; emotional support regarding relationships (or anything) she does not do.

@SisyphusDad my Dad was my rock. You are doing a brilliant job.

Losing a mother through death or abandonment young is awful, especially under 3's according to a psycotherapist, as the child is too young to process the grief.

It does really affect a person.

I think you have a very idealistic view of mums. They vary. My own lives 4 hours aways, she is loving and supportive but also a very critical person. She does not help raise my kids as she obviously lives too far and works but neither does my mil who lives 10 minutes away. Mil is a nice woman but made it abundantly clear that she has no desire to do childcare having raised her own two boys. I parent my own children alongside their dad so I do think yabu in that respect. She is a listening ear and will fight my corner but my very lovely dad would do the same. It isn't a role that only a mother can fill. Loving parents are worth their weight in gold. I'm sorry for your loss.
@SisyphusDad you aren't just the dad, you sound like a bloody great one that your kids will be proud of.

I would add that I believe that losing a parent as a child has made me a different parent to the one I would have been. My anxiety levels are usually through the roof, and I have a tendency to think quite bleakly about certain things. It's also made me very fatalistic, but again in a fairly bleak way. I'm indescribably lucky and blessed to have the DH and DC that I do.

This thread is making me realise that I'm still very much a WIP on these things! I'll probably hide this thread now, as I'm opening boxes in my mind that I'm not equipped for at the moment, but thank you for posting, OP. I wish you so much happiness, I'm sorry you lost your mum so early in life

I'm so sorry you lost your Mum so young.

For me yes, my Mum has always done her best to fix everything.

She's still the first person I turn to for help. Not because my DH wouldn't help me, it's just always been her that's been there for me.

My children lost their Dad at 4 and 6. My son is now 18 and for the last couple years I keep thinking how much he needs his father. We are close, but it's not the same.
But life is like that. Some of us don't get to have that loving parent/partner.
You have to take responsibility for your choices and lean on those willing to offer support.

No YANBU.

My mum was a heroin addict & left my dad & us 3 children when we were small. We lost our house in the process due to court costs my dad had to pay.

I always wished I had a mum, I would make up scenarios in my head that involved her or what we would speak about. 10 years later I started to try and build a relationship with her, but she wasn't what I imagined.

It's been 20 years since she left & I still can't forgive her.

It's very hard to grow up without a mum. Especially when everyone says 'I don't know what I would do without my mum' or 'my mum is my best friend'. People like us don't know what that's like.

I know my situation is different as mine hasn't passed away, but the similarity lies in the loneliness and emptiness.

It's really hard, stay strong xxx

My mum died when I was 13 too. I don't have any real memories of her, only things people have told me but from what my sister says, she would have been a really supportive and caring mum.

I don't admit it normally, not even to myself, but very occasionally I would love to have her here still. Just for a hug, or to tell me I'm not a total fuck up. In front of everyone else, I'm fiercely independent and don't need anyone's validation, but a mum hug would be perfect right now.

I lost my mum as our DS was just a few months. I miss her terribly every day. I know my life would be massively different if she was here, I could tell her anything and she was always a great source of advice, love and laughter, she was an amazing mum so I know she would have been a great help and our DS would have love her. No one could step in to the role of my mum, our relationship was special.

It really is hard raising a child without a good mum around, but stay strong and be proud of what you are achieving

I'm so sorry you have experienced this too. Everything you say resonates with me. Sending so much love x

I was just talking to a friend about this. She lost her mother as a teen, and it was a huge gap in her life. I had a narcissistic cruel mother who went out of her way to damage people. So yes, you are losing out on a huge support. But at least there is a good reason for it, and presumably your mum would have done it if she could. As painful as it is now, hopefully you know you had her love.

Op sorry for you that is hard going. My mam is negative we wouldnt be that close. Its hard when you see other families.