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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU object to things being broken drunk

80 replies

Mememene · 24/06/2022 18:48

My partner, a grandad, thinks I should accept that occasionally, as in every few weeks or months, he should come in rolling drunk, fall into stuff and break things in the home. He's not violent but as in falling and stumbling drunk, the wall plaster has copped it for example. I don't drink so am accused of being unreasonable and stuffy by him. He says most men do it and I should get used to it and I have the problem as a non drinker. I haven't drank a drop for many years as my off button stopped working, so I can't touch it.

He constantly asks me to go to the pub with him, but it's not for me, the people whose company he keeps are serious heavy hardened drinkers who talk garbage all night. I do go to all family functions and am the first one up dancing and go to events, pub quizzes that kind of thing.

Currently this is in his own place, he can breaks what he likes. He goes out a couple of times a week, other times again occasionally he can be verbally insulting to me. I don't know if he's just going to be silly drunk or staggering. There are other issues. We were talking about moving in together in my home, I've said I won't let that happen while he thinks this is reasonable behaviour. So am I being unreasonable to not let him move in with me?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/06/2022 18:49

Don't move in with him and don't be there when he's drinking. It's not normal at all.

Toughtimesagain · 24/06/2022 18:50

YANBU. I like a drink but stumbling around and breaking things regularly is next level. I wouldn’t put up with that.

BogRollBOGOF · 24/06/2022 18:51

You have imcompatible relationships with alcohol and he doesn't respect your stance and experience.

Staggering around and causing damage regularly is not normal, especially past the age of 25.

Clarinet1 · 24/06/2022 18:52

Sorry OP but he doesn’t sound compatible with you, to say the least. I think many people would find this kind of behaviour, his insistence on continuing it and his attempts to encourage you to
join him unacceptable though.
What do you get out of this relationship and how do you think things will work when you move
in together?

NoseyNellie · 24/06/2022 18:54

BogRollBOGOF · 24/06/2022 18:51

You have imcompatible relationships with alcohol and he doesn't respect your stance and experience.

Staggering around and causing damage regularly is not normal, especially past the age of 25.

^ This, couldn’t have put it better myself

LightSpeeds · 24/06/2022 18:54

Is he on the road to alcoholism (or already there)?

I'm not sure his 'most men do it' is true...

bloodyunicorns · 24/06/2022 18:54

No. He's trying to normalise his behaviour by pretending that everyone does it, but they really don't. Sounds like he needs alcohol as a crutch. You don't.

And he's a Grandad? How deeply unattractive. He'll never grow out of it.

Palmtree9 · 24/06/2022 18:55

I've been known to get pretty drunk, but I've never broken anything or verbally abused anyone.
It's not normal acceptable behaviour, and if you've said you're unhappy with it, that should be enough of an explanation!

cataline · 24/06/2022 18:56

Urgh.

This sort of behaviour is what I'd expect from a teenager trying out alcohol. Not a grown adult. I couldn't respect anyone who thought this was a reasonable way to behave.

If he's not already doing it, I'm sure he'll probably start pissing the bed or in wardrobes and escalate the verbal abuse to a bit of shoving and shouting.

Not what most people would want from a life partner!

that1970shouse · 24/06/2022 19:01

He is trying to gaslight you by saying everyone does it and you're the problem, not him.

This is not normal. This is not acceptable. Even if he were apologetic afterwards I would say don't let him move in. But he isn't. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. Let him move in and he will damage your home, your things and YOU.

Trust your gut instincts. They are not wrong.

LovelyDaaling · 24/06/2022 19:03

Oh noooo! Don't let him move in. It certainly is the behaviour of most men. He's a binge drinker.

I'd be checking his mattress, carpet and wardrobes too for signs of 'accidents'.

that1970shouse · 24/06/2022 19:04

Oh and the verbal insults could easily escalate once he's got his feet under the table and thinks you are trapped. Don't know how old you are but for goodness sake don't get pregnant.

LovelyDaaling · 24/06/2022 19:04

Correction- it certainly ISN'T the behaviour of most men. 🙄

LIZS · 24/06/2022 19:09

Not attractive behaviour and the verbal minimising not good, likely to get worse. Don't commit further.

slowcookerforone · 24/06/2022 19:20

That would be a no from me.

Mememene · 24/06/2022 19:21

Confession: I had a major drink problem for a few years and I had to stop drinking. I am not proud of it but very glad I don't drink anymore. I have been off the drink for many years now and will never touch it again. Writing it down here makes it so much clearer.

He knows that if I drink again it could potentially be disastrous for me, I couldn't and won't drink again. He kind of uses that against me though so I'm the odd one out and he shouldn't suffer because I couldn't control my drinking in the past.

Thankfully my child rearing days are a long time behind me I'm in my 50's, have my own house, car, job, loving friends and family. Kind of answering my own question here really aren't I?

OP posts:
FemmeNatal · 24/06/2022 19:27

This isn’t normal at all.

Mememene · 24/06/2022 19:27

We moved in together into his place during lockdown, the pubs were shut and it was such a fabulous time I though I had found my soulmate. I'd love those times back, but it has been awful since lockdown ended and the pubs opened.

He has been great in many other ways, this is one of two issues, but I'm not seeing a way forward.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 24/06/2022 20:34

What's the other issue?

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like he has a problem. More crucially for you, it is clear you are not ok with his drinking. Which makes sense, even if you didn't have the personal reasons to be uneasy with his relationship to alcohol.

It's very hard to get someone to change if they don't want to. And also to accept that we can't make someone change even though we wish they would :(

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/06/2022 20:35

Jesus
this isn't the man for you! You know that, right?

Mememene · 24/06/2022 20:51

Cyberworrier · 24/06/2022 20:34

What's the other issue?

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like he has a problem. More crucially for you, it is clear you are not ok with his drinking. Which makes sense, even if you didn't have the personal reasons to be uneasy with his relationship to alcohol.

It's very hard to get someone to change if they don't want to. And also to accept that we can't make someone change even though we wish they would :(

He has an adult son who has form for beating women, he's manipulative, and duplicitious. I see through him, my partner doesn't. Unfortunately he's now moved into my partner's place as he's not allowed to go to his own home legally, not sure of the details but it's not good.

I did try to be around but after one awful incident I left and refused to return. This is one reason my partner was talking about moving into my place in the future. My partner sides with his son against me and won't ask him to leave his place, where we used to live together and I refuse to stay there when he is in residence.

I packed my bags and left to my place.

It's hopeless isn't it. Time to call it a day I think. I just needed to hear it from people who would tell it like it is honestly.

OP posts:
Mememene · 24/06/2022 20:55

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/06/2022 20:35

Jesus
this isn't the man for you! You know that, right?

I thought he was, I thought he was my soul mate, but the lockdown ended, the pubs opened and this is the result. I have left him, he wants me back, but do second guess myself that it could go back to the good times. Have to accept the pubs are open and I'm a poor second in his eyes.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 24/06/2022 20:57

How long have you been together?

LIZS · 24/06/2022 21:03

I'm not sure you even come second. Sad Please don't waste any more energy on him.

Ponoka7 · 24/06/2022 21:04

You need to end this and don't underestimate the danger you could be in if he turns up drunk, or his son is around once you tell him it's over. The verbal abuse is enough to not be able to live together. The minimising by him should be enough to finish it. What was the incident?