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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU object to things being broken drunk

80 replies

Mememene · 24/06/2022 18:48

My partner, a grandad, thinks I should accept that occasionally, as in every few weeks or months, he should come in rolling drunk, fall into stuff and break things in the home. He's not violent but as in falling and stumbling drunk, the wall plaster has copped it for example. I don't drink so am accused of being unreasonable and stuffy by him. He says most men do it and I should get used to it and I have the problem as a non drinker. I haven't drank a drop for many years as my off button stopped working, so I can't touch it.

He constantly asks me to go to the pub with him, but it's not for me, the people whose company he keeps are serious heavy hardened drinkers who talk garbage all night. I do go to all family functions and am the first one up dancing and go to events, pub quizzes that kind of thing.

Currently this is in his own place, he can breaks what he likes. He goes out a couple of times a week, other times again occasionally he can be verbally insulting to me. I don't know if he's just going to be silly drunk or staggering. There are other issues. We were talking about moving in together in my home, I've said I won't let that happen while he thinks this is reasonable behaviour. So am I being unreasonable to not let him move in with me?

OP posts:
DoItAfraid · 25/06/2022 16:51

I see you have ended it. Well done and many congrats on your sobriety - such a huge achievement.

NoseyNellie · 25/06/2022 17:44

Don’t know if you’re a fan of Carole King, but stick to your gut and your guns and don’t take him back. If he asks, say “it’s too late baby!”

Mememene · 25/06/2022 18:19

Each and every post has nailed to his situation. I have read and reread them. I'm fairly sure he will try to contact me again, he says he still loves me and wants me back. I have to remember I can't go back hoping I'll get what we once had when it was great, but knowing I'll get more of the last six months back again be and that I don't want.

OP posts:
Mememene · 25/06/2022 18:20

NoseyNellie · 25/06/2022 17:44

Don’t know if you’re a fan of Carole King, but stick to your gut and your guns and don’t take him back. If he asks, say “it’s too late baby!”

Sums it up perfectly thanks

OP posts:
Mememene · 25/06/2022 18:28

DoItAfraid · 25/06/2022 16:46

@Mememene

OP please do not let this man jeopardise your hard won recovery from your own alcohol issues. It is so hard to admit you have a problem and to stop drinking so do not let this man ruin that for you. I am begging you as someone struggling with recovery. He is looking for company in his misery - that person should never be you. He can break his own things in his own house and drink with his drink buddies.

Also - all these drunken falls. One of these days he is going to injure himself. Do you want that to be your problem too?

The injuries are already happening, possible broken rib and a twisted ankle, not because he was drunk though of course they would have happened anyway His explanation not mine. Good luck with your battle I'm proof it can be won one day at a time. It was a hard old battle but the best thing I've ever done..

A sober life is amazing, drinking nearly killed me, he knows that, so really for my own safety I have to stay away. It's not just that it's annoying for him to be rude and/or break things and/or injure himself, for me it's life threatening.

He shouldn't be inviting me to pubs to be with hardened drinkers to watch them all get steaming.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/06/2022 18:44

You're being utterly unreasonable.

In staying with this person at all.

Just go home, block him and stop doubting yourself; he's a drunken twat and will always be a drunken twat.

MumInBrussels · 25/06/2022 19:39

Sobriety can be hard enough without a partner who is doing their hardest to undermine you and get you to start drinking again.

For that alone, you should run far away.

Add in his son, his own alcohol issues, and the way he dismisses all your concerns, and you shouldn't get back together with him, no matter what he promises. This doesn't sound like it's the right relationship for you, not any more, anyway.

billy1966 · 25/06/2022 19:46

Oh the genius of Carole King and that album.

Every single song incredible.

That and Janis Ian's Between the Lines are two album's that never get old.

LIZS · 25/06/2022 19:48

Agree with @MumInBrussels . He is looking to drag you back down to his level, not celebrate the efforts you have made.

Mememene · 26/06/2022 10:07

I've read all the responses again and they are keeping me strong. I need to stop myself going back.

I had breast cancer last year during the pandemic and he was brilliant, so kind, went to every appointment with me, didn't drink so that he didn't bring covid back and delay my cancer treatment. It's so hard to believe this is the same person who was so amazing. Since my consultant confirmed the treatment was successful at Xmas and the pubs are open it's all changed.

I have to protect my future though I don't want to beat the drink and cancer to have a future with someone who puts getting smashed before me.

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 26/06/2022 21:17

Yes it's fine to call it a day.

Don't risk your health or life on these 2 violent drunks.

LovelyDaaling · 28/06/2022 09:30

Keep reminding yourself he loves you but he loves the drink more. Good luck for the future.

Mememene · 02/07/2022 09:08

Just a little update I've found out this behaviour was a large part of what broke his marriage up, so the drink and the falling over breaking stuff have been going on for years. He's offered to only to out once a fortnight, so I don't have to worry about him breaking stuff or getting mouthy twice a week. What a total star.

I have to be honest, I'm missing him, there's a hole in my soul. He's also asked me to wait seven weeks for his abusive wife beating son to leave,without seeing him, to try again.

What kind of crazy thinking is that?

I'm trying to get over him. It hurts like hell, in tears yesterday., but the number is staying blocked so i don't have to listen to any more of his crap while I heal.

OP posts:
NoseyNellie · 02/07/2022 09:14

You will be in mourning, mememene, that’s natural. Be gentle with yourself and just keep remembering you are worth more.

Mememene · 02/07/2022 09:20

NoseyNellie · 02/07/2022 09:14

You will be in mourning, mememene, that’s natural. Be gentle with yourself and just keep remembering you are worth more.

Thanks that's how it feels. Deep down in the pit of your tummy sad, but this won't last. If I stayed with him I'd have a lifetime of being on tender hooks every time he went out.

Note to self:

I beat breast cancer and I've beaten alcoholism not to have my home wrecked by a drunken partner. I can do this.

OP posts:
BadAtMaths2 · 02/07/2022 09:22

I had a relationship with a drunk, I like a drink and sometimes too much. But I walk past a pub now on a lovely summers day and look at the people sat inside, drinking steadily, and think ‘why would anyone do that?’. And the way the bar staff talk about the regulars….

get out and do something with your real friends. He’s not one of them.

Mememene · 16/12/2022 06:17

Update

I've had as call, he thinks we had a wonderful relationship, reminding me of all our wonderful times together and wanting to call me again.

He doesn't want the pub as often now, whoopie do dah.

Now since we broke up, dating sites seem to have attracted a run of randy old men who declare their lust by the third message and have me going for the block button. A new relationship hasn't happened.

But I'm seeing friends, working, no one is pissed, falling over, breaking stuff when drunk, I'm not being let down at the last minute so he can get drunk and I'm settling into being contentedly single.

That awful hurt has gone and I don't want it back.

OP posts:
Blocked · 16/12/2022 06:31

Great update OP. He's just hoping to prey on Christmas sentimentality. He doesn't realise its lonelier being with someone like him than being single. Have a great Christmas.

Poppyblush · 16/12/2022 07:10

Great update. Stay away from him. Glad you’re ok.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 07:12

Op if you read this yourself what your advice be?

Go with your instinct

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/12/2022 07:32

Oh God, you can't even think about living with him! I don't know why are you with him anyway as he is a massive threat to your sobriety.

Huge congratulations on becoming sober. Are you really prepared for a twat like him to let you go back to that life? He is actually urging you to go back there.

You have everything you need in your life without him. Get rid of him. His son sounds really scary as well and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him.

billy1966 · 16/12/2022 10:00

Well done OP.

You are wise.

Late 50's here and of a rather cold practical nature regarding men.🤨😁.......and I would be thinking with his level of drinking, at some point he will have health issues.

If he had moved in, you could be in carer mode before you know it.

Why would you want to risk that?

Being a carer is a very difficult role and not one to take on lightly.

You have fought your own hard battles and should focus on enjoying these healthy well years, not be sucked into caring for a johnny come lately piss head.

You haven't heard the last from him, he won't want to leave a good woman go.

Keep those numbers blocked.

I bet his wife was delighted to see the back of him.

Don't hesitate to update again if you wish.

Positive stories are so uplifting.

BarrelOfOtters · 16/12/2022 10:01

Well done. Don't let him back, he won't change, and your sanity is worth more....

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/12/2022 10:06

Honestly, a man old enough to be a grandfather who is drinking like this is a ticking time bomb for every health condition that hits unhealthy old men. Run like the wind before the liver disease, erectile dysfunction, cardiac and circulatory issues and dementia set in, and you get stuck looking after a semi-abusive geezer who can no longer stagger to the pub.

Ijuststoodonlego · 16/12/2022 10:06

I'd be moving on pretty sharpish x