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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU object to things being broken drunk

80 replies

Mememene · 24/06/2022 18:48

My partner, a grandad, thinks I should accept that occasionally, as in every few weeks or months, he should come in rolling drunk, fall into stuff and break things in the home. He's not violent but as in falling and stumbling drunk, the wall plaster has copped it for example. I don't drink so am accused of being unreasonable and stuffy by him. He says most men do it and I should get used to it and I have the problem as a non drinker. I haven't drank a drop for many years as my off button stopped working, so I can't touch it.

He constantly asks me to go to the pub with him, but it's not for me, the people whose company he keeps are serious heavy hardened drinkers who talk garbage all night. I do go to all family functions and am the first one up dancing and go to events, pub quizzes that kind of thing.

Currently this is in his own place, he can breaks what he likes. He goes out a couple of times a week, other times again occasionally he can be verbally insulting to me. I don't know if he's just going to be silly drunk or staggering. There are other issues. We were talking about moving in together in my home, I've said I won't let that happen while he thinks this is reasonable behaviour. So am I being unreasonable to not let him move in with me?

OP posts:
Mememene · 24/06/2022 21:06

Clarinet1 · 24/06/2022 18:52

Sorry OP but he doesn’t sound compatible with you, to say the least. I think many people would find this kind of behaviour, his insistence on continuing it and his attempts to encourage you to
join him unacceptable though.
What do you get out of this relationship and how do you think things will work when you move
in together?

My son is worried for me, he knows I shouldn't be around this behaviour. If I was a drinker and wanted to get off my head too then it's fine as we are free agents. But I don't want that kind of life. Like you said we're incompatible, now the pubs are open again

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 24/06/2022 21:12

You sound like a very wise woman and I think you know that you can't continue like this. It sounds awful with his son- the combination of that with his drinking problem is just a disaster waiting to happen/possibly already unfolding. And it is not your responsibility or place to devote your life to trying to take care for two men who have very different morals to your own (because it sounds like it's two for the price of one, from your partners attitude).
I'm sorry OP. It hurts so much when you know the person has lovely qualities, when they're not drinking etc. But he is not going to change anytime soon/possibly ever. You should look after yourself. 💐

Mememene · 24/06/2022 21:13

LightSpeeds · 24/06/2022 20:57

How long have you been together?

Three years the first two and half were brilliant, the last six months have been awful.

OP posts:
WishILivedInThrushGreen · 24/06/2022 21:16

You know what needs to happen.

I hope you find the courage to do it.

Good luck OP. ( For your own mental well being.)

mumda · 24/06/2022 21:17

If you need the government to ban pub drinking to make him nice to be with then he's not right for you.

PersonaNonGarter · 24/06/2022 21:22

I answered YABU because you would be crazy to let him move in with you.

You sound great, and your life sounds lovely. It cannot fix this man though. He really does not sound like a catch.

Toughtimesagain · 24/06/2022 21:23

You are absolutely right to prioritise your own sobriety. With that you will have gained insight into the lies alcohol tells people. It’s a complete shift of mindset. Your OH is still buying the bullshit.

If he can’t support your sobriety then there’s a fundamental incompatibility right there.

Do you want to enable his drink problem, knowing what’s left to come?

Sad, but it sounds like you have your answer.

Toughtimesagain · 24/06/2022 21:24

Also, don’t be ashamed of your own struggles with alcohol. Be proud that they are behind you. That’s an enormous accomplishment that takes real self awareness.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 24/06/2022 21:27

BogRollBOGOF · 24/06/2022 18:51

You have imcompatible relationships with alcohol and he doesn't respect your stance and experience.

Staggering around and causing damage regularly is not normal, especially past the age of 25.

This.

I'd be done with him. Drunk people are boring.

Mememene · 24/06/2022 21:31

Toughtimesagain · 24/06/2022 21:23

You are absolutely right to prioritise your own sobriety. With that you will have gained insight into the lies alcohol tells people. It’s a complete shift of mindset. Your OH is still buying the bullshit.

If he can’t support your sobriety then there’s a fundamental incompatibility right there.

Do you want to enable his drink problem, knowing what’s left to come?

Sad, but it sounds like you have your answer.

You know what has just occured to me, and I honestly hadn't thought of this until you wonderful people took the time to reply to me. So thank you.

BUT it's almost as if I did go to the pub with him as often as he wants me to. I'd end up his drinking partner and not his sober partner whose unhappy with relationship.

I don't need to be around pubs and what's more I don't want to be there, not for the sake of drinking. To see a band, a quiz, family event of course, but to sit with a load of drunks, no thanks.

OP posts:
Mememene · 24/06/2022 21:35

Toughtimesagain · 24/06/2022 21:24

Also, don’t be ashamed of your own struggles with alcohol. Be proud that they are behind you. That’s an enormous accomplishment that takes real self awareness.

I am not proud that I got into those struggles but I am enormously grateful that I have come out the other side. I do try to help other people who are struggling now but I've also been to the funerals of those who couldn't stop and so has he.

Thank you for your kind words because beating it isn't easy but it's the best thing I've ever done well after having my son which exceeds anything else.

OP posts:
Mememene · 24/06/2022 22:09

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 24/06/2022 21:16

You know what needs to happen.

I hope you find the courage to do it.

Good luck OP. ( For your own mental well being.)

I have left, I am trying to find the courage to stay away as all kinds of promises are being made but I don't think they'll last.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 24/06/2022 23:14

You've done amazingly well to give up drinking - it's a massive achievement!

The first couple of years of a relationship really are the 'honeymoon' period. After that, people tend to drop being on their 'best behaviour' and things can go pretty downhill. Given his attitude to his drinking and the serious issues with his son, there doesn't seem to be much stability there for you.

SunflowerGardens · 24/06/2022 23:26

Oh goodness what a lucky escape you've had. It's sad of course but he's chosen to drink like that and he won't change. They rarely do and it usually gets worse. You'll meet someone right for you OP.

RiojaRose · 24/06/2022 23:54

It’s heart-wrenching when someone turns out not to be who you thought they were. But you’re very wise to be sceptical about the promises because he doesn’t have what it takes to keep them. You already know this because he minimises the situation with all the breakages (WTF?!). His grasp of reality is sorely lacking.

There are some decent men out there. You deserve one of those.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/06/2022 23:55

I wouldn't be around someone like that ever.

SarahDippity · 25/06/2022 00:07

In a word: nope

waitingpatientlyforspring · 25/06/2022 07:11

I drink heavily at times too, as does my husband. Neither of us break things while drunk, or for that matter, get so drunk we stumble around. Not on a regular basis anyway. Admittedly, 4 years ago I got really drunk on a night out and fell into our bedroom bin and broke it. That was a one off though. I couldn't live with someone who got so drunk, so regularly they were a danger like that.

lovemelongtime · 25/06/2022 08:22

Given your past issues with alcohol, I would have thought the last thing you needed would be to live with a drunk partner. Think how well you have done giving up, your life partner needs to be someone who supports you not someone who does everything to make your life harder. Good luck

ManateeFair · 25/06/2022 10:00

If he’s regularly getting so drunk that he breaks things stumbling around, he’s got a problem. I know plenty of people who drink a lot but not to the extent where they can’t walk properly.

Definitely don’t move in with him. I would think about ending the relationship.

BouncyBalls · 25/06/2022 14:57

@Mememene Well done for leaving. Turn off your phone and cut him off for a bit until you feel stronger. Can you get out and about with other friends to fill your time? Please done allow him back in your life and well done on your sobriety! You deserve more than him

billy1966 · 25/06/2022 15:06

You sound like a strong woman who made difficult choices that needed making.

He is a threat to all you have achieved.

He supports a violent son.

These are not people who will make your life better.

Stay strong and block him.

steviewiththecankles · 25/06/2022 16:35

He verbally insults you and breaks things in your home. It sounds like he’s encouraging you to start drinking again even though it would be dangerous for you. He’s not good for you at all.

DoItAfraid · 25/06/2022 16:41

BogRollBOGOF · 24/06/2022 18:51

You have imcompatible relationships with alcohol and he doesn't respect your stance and experience.

Staggering around and causing damage regularly is not normal, especially past the age of 25.

This.

DoItAfraid · 25/06/2022 16:46

Mememene · 24/06/2022 19:21

Confession: I had a major drink problem for a few years and I had to stop drinking. I am not proud of it but very glad I don't drink anymore. I have been off the drink for many years now and will never touch it again. Writing it down here makes it so much clearer.

He knows that if I drink again it could potentially be disastrous for me, I couldn't and won't drink again. He kind of uses that against me though so I'm the odd one out and he shouldn't suffer because I couldn't control my drinking in the past.

Thankfully my child rearing days are a long time behind me I'm in my 50's, have my own house, car, job, loving friends and family. Kind of answering my own question here really aren't I?

@Mememene

OP please do not let this man jeopardise your hard won recovery from your own alcohol issues. It is so hard to admit you have a problem and to stop drinking so do not let this man ruin that for you. I am begging you as someone struggling with recovery. He is looking for company in his misery - that person should never be you. He can break his own things in his own house and drink with his drink buddies.

Also - all these drunken falls. One of these days he is going to injure himself. Do you want that to be your problem too?