AIBU to be angry about DH using the word C*NT about DS?

[DingDong88]

DS is 3 years old. He has the most almighty tantrums. He likes to throw stuff a lot when he doesn't get his own way....generally we are both very firm, calm, measured, tell him no but don't shout.

Recently DH hasn't been able to cope with it very well. He seems to get angrier. Take it all more personally - like our DS is trying to actually upset us. Lots of 'what am I supposed to do? 'give me strength' 'this is f*cking ridiculous' from DH.

I keep saying 'it's not personal. he's only 3. we just need to calm and consistent'

Anyway, last night, DS was refusing to get in the bath. DH storms out bathroom and passes me in the corridor and shouted at me 'Your son is being a right c*nt' (he always says YOUR son when he's angry, he is BOTH of our son btw)

It wasn't to DS. But I was really upset. Told me to leave and calm himself down and it was completely inappropriate and nasty to use that kind of language about our toddler.

He says I'm being too emotional and it was a silly thing to say out of frustration. And then he laughed and said 'he was being a right c*nt' again. I just don't think it's that funny. Especially given his rage wasn't a joke. He really was angry about it

Am I being OTT?

I think it's fine, it wasn't said to your son, just about him - there's a world of difference. It's a good sign really that your DH feels able to let off steam to you in this way rather than just bottle it up.

Bit extreme, I’ve got a three year old and they can be a right twat but I’d draw the line at calling them a cunt.

No you're not being OTT. But abusive, angry men will always try to minimise "You're being too emotional.... It was a joke..."

He won't change.

i couldn’t get upset about this if it wasn’t at him

Literally the same word

If he was being a cunt, it sounds like he takes after his father.

Well I don't like the YOUR child bit.

As for the language, it would very much depend whether I wholeheartedly trusted him with ds.

I must admit I've probably said some awful things about my teen ds behind his back when he's been incredibly rude. Not so much about a 3 year old though. It would worry me slightly that he's not coping.

It literally isn't.

It's not done at all. Your husbands anger is escalating as your son is going through an absolutely normal developmental stage. I would get my son right away from that, unless of course your husband is willing to sit down, talk it through and get on board with actually parenting. The 'your' son thing would piss me off enough to tell him to fuck off. He clearly isn't committed.

It's not FINE

@same meaning.

Regardless, we all have to let off steam and best to say it away from the child than to the child.

We've all been there, male or female. I expect I've called my son that in moments of stress. Not to him obviously.

So to be clear for me it's not so much about the language, but the fact that he's getting angry and losing control.

Wow, I absolutely love swearing as does DH and our kids can be monumental bellends sometimes. But if either of us said one of the DCs was a cunt, the other one would be pretty upset

I don’t like the name calling regardless of how ‘bad’ the word is, but outside of that the anger he’s exhibiting to a very small child would worry me a lot.

Saying the word wouldn't bother me, it's just a word and it wasn't used in front of your son, but I would be concerned by the reaction in general, we all know kids can be assholes at times, but he needs to find a way to deal with it appropriately, and that doesn't mean he just gets to walk away and leave you to deal with it.
I think you need to talk to him and come to a solution that works for you both.

Jesus no you’re not being OTT. I think calling a three year old a cunt in anger implies a very worrying lack of control over his temper. I suspect he knows that too, hence trying to shrug it off with the joke afterwards. The ‘your son’ thing is really odd and detached too. I’d be worried about him becoming violent.

What's his relationship like with his parents? Yes, three year olds can be a lot, but normal people KNOW that, and if they forget, their Mums are quick to laugh and remind them what horrors THEY were at the same age...

I honestly think that child development and upbringing should be on the national curriculum, because there are soooo many posts where people (men are people too ;) ) seem to have forgotten that kids aren't just very short adults!

My DH said this word about our DS. He was at the end of his tether. I spoke to him about it and said it was definitely not ok to call our son names like this, even to me, because the more that kind of word is said, the more habitually or flippantly it might be said and then if he ever said it and DS overheard it, I would never forgive him.
This was about a year ago. He's not said it since.

If he says you are being too emotional over him using that word, point out at him he was the one being far too emotional to resort to using it in the first place and storming off!

It would bother me but the fact he calls him 'YOUR son' would bother me more. Like he's abandoning responsibility, disowning DS and blaming you for bringing him into his life??

But if he was shouting then it was in her son's hearing.

Why is it a good sign that her husband feels able to shout abusive words about his own child in that child's hearing?

He says I'm being too emotional

Does he not know storming around screaming in a rage every day makes him "too emotional"? Remind him HE's letting his emotions get in the way of his parenting.

Him saying "YOUR son" is horrible. No matter how wound up I get by my toddler, I'd never try to wash my hands of him and pretend he isn't mine and it's obviously my dh's fault and not mine. That's what your husband is doing, he's blaming you for the behaviour.

@Gogster I assume it was a joke?

Yeah, I'm not super sensitive to swearing. Like I wouldn't clutch my pearls if someone used the word cunt in the pub (I don't know why I felt the need to write c*nt initially) HA HA.

But to me - even though DS didn't hear and it wasn't to him - it's such a strange word to use about a 3 year old. I don't know. I guess it just feels like my DH puts adult understanding/expectation on him - like when DS throws his dinner on the floor - it's really bloody annoying but he's not doing it because he hates the way DH makes tuna pasta...and I swear it's like DH responds and takes it in the way....like 'why is he being such a dick'?

I just don't think you call tiny children cunts. Also at this point, DS bless him was crying and trying to get his pants off and nearly falling over & I just wanted to go give him a cuddle so to hear DH calling him a cunt was just so at odds with how I felt.