AIBU to be angry about DH using the word C*NT about DS?

[DingDong88]

DS is 3 years old. He has the most almighty tantrums. He likes to throw stuff a lot when he doesn't get his own way....generally we are both very firm, calm, measured, tell him no but don't shout.

Recently DH hasn't been able to cope with it very well. He seems to get angrier. Take it all more personally - like our DS is trying to actually upset us. Lots of 'what am I supposed to do? 'give me strength' 'this is f*cking ridiculous' from DH.

I keep saying 'it's not personal. he's only 3. we just need to calm and consistent'

Anyway, last night, DS was refusing to get in the bath. DH storms out bathroom and passes me in the corridor and shouted at me 'Your son is being a right c*nt' (he always says YOUR son when he's angry, he is BOTH of our son btw)

It wasn't to DS. But I was really upset. Told me to leave and calm himself down and it was completely inappropriate and nasty to use that kind of language about our toddler.

He says I'm being too emotional and it was a silly thing to say out of frustration. And then he laughed and said 'he was being a right c*nt' again. I just don't think it's that funny. Especially given his rage wasn't a joke. He really was angry about it

Am I being OTT?

I'd speak to dh it sounds like he would benefit from some anger management or mindfulness classes? Ironically he's getting overwhelmed and acting out in frustration exactly the same as your son is. The difference is he is a grown man he needs to learn to manage his emotions better.

Yanbu. I think people who swear in general are vulgar but it's absolutely more disgusting to refer to your child in that way.

It's nothing to do with the word. His behaviour in general is awful.

His uncontrolled anger and his disgusting language is awful.

It most certainly is not normal and I have 4 children that have all been challenging at different times.

His calling him your son is deeply distasteful too.

OP, I would be very wary of this behaviour.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.

Agree with this. Your husband needs to get a grip on his nasty temper before it escalates. I bet he would never refer to a colleague as a C in a conversation with another colleague.

Also, you don’t want this to become a bigger issue where you do more and more for and with your son because you want to limit their exposure to each other.

I don't understand how the 3 year old didn't hear, he was in the bathroom, his father storms out of the bathroom and shouts at you in the corridor that your child is being a cunt. He must've only been feet away and even if by chance he didn't hear the word he sat his father storming off and heard him shouting at his mother.
Not ok.

I called them cunts pretty much from when they started to have tantrums so probably oneish. All toddlers are twats sometimes.

Not to them and not in their hearing but to other people, yeah. It's not unusual to hear DC1 has been a right little cunt today. When he was little and wouldn't sleep I occasionally referred to him as the babybellend.

That level of anger and lack of self control is worrying. Obviously your ds will have heard that as your dp was shouting. I would not tolerate that behaviour around my child. If he's at that point, he needs to remove himself before getting so riled up.

ughhhh it's a horrible word to use about anybody. What's the betting your kid will be going off to school using it (though absolutely no fault of yours OP - he will have heard it from his foul mouthed father and soaked it up like a sponge). Hate it when people swear around kids.

Twat is OK, but cunt isn't? Okayyyyyy

I like a good swear but I drawn the line at calling a 3 year old a cunt. Vile

I can swear like a trooper but no way would I use that word about a child, any child. He’s 3 years old. 3 year olds have tantrums especially when they’re tired, hungry or overexcited ( first two were certs for my younger child) Your son will grow out of the tantrums but will your husband ever grow into an appropriate father figure ?

You DH is the cunt if you ask me. Anyway maybe ds needs some consequences as it seems like no isn't working - especially if he's hearing it a lot. 'If you throw that car then it is going to go away for x amount of time and you won't be able to play with it'. It's not ok for him to be throwing stuff that could break or break other things around and there needs to be consequences IMO. He won't get it at first and will likely still throw stuff - just take it away, put it away and ignore the resulting tantrum. But if one time it works then really pounce on that with loads of praise and give him lots of attention and do a nice activity together.

If there is something he doesn't like - for example bath time - then bath him less and make when he does have to bath more fun. It might be helpful to look at the things that are causing frustration and work out how it can be made easier and better for all of you. Also worth considering possible SEN if he is melting down a lot and really not coping with things you would expect him to be able to.

Where's your partner from?

Cnt or 'cont' is considered a term of endearment (iown cont/okay cnt) in some places in Wales (Caernarfon) and certainly considered as a gentle not inappropriate word towards someone being a bit annoying. Took me a while to get used to colleagues (in uniform) throwing the c bomb around!

This would really, really bother me, op, and I say that as someone who is fairly relaxed about swearing. It's not the word so much as the anger and lack of control it communicates. To direct that at a child, even behind their back, is really shocking to me.

I can see it might a difference if someone regularly uses the word without these sentiments- I have a friend who calls pretty much everything and everyone a cunt (a cheeky cunt, a funny cunt, a tall cunt etc etc) and I wouldn't be shocked to hear it from her as it wouldn't be a sign of uncontrolled anger. It's the meaning that's upsetting not the word.

Go with your gut, op. Is your partner generally angry or violent?

I think him minimising how stressed he felt and blaming you for being emotional and saying 'your child ' is more relevant than him being angry in the moment and using that word out of the child's hearing. But no I wouldn't be ok with this and I would worry this could escalate unless he accepts he needs to manage his responses better.

OP was very clear about the context in which it was used.

I'd be horrified. What a horrible man. Is he always like this?

DP and I will sometimes call our toddler a grunt (grumpy cunt) to each other, but it's meant with love and slight frustration. I don't think there's a problem with using that term (obviously not at the toddler) but losing control and the "your" child bit isn't ok. Having said that, I did tell DP "your baby has had a huge dump in the bath and it's your turn to clean it" tonight,

It's all in how it's said.

It’s utterly vile. I honestly would rethink my relationship, especially with the ‘your child bit’

I’m American. The C word is basically the most vile word a man can say about a woman here. So if that word came out of my husband’s mouth in reference to our child I would be furious. I get that it doesn’t have the same context there so it’s probably not worthy of a World War III level argument, but I still wouldn’t be able to not say something.

If he didn’t say it to him, I couldn’t be bothered to get cross about it.

Depends where you are in the UK.

Here in Scotland its used frequently and doesn’t have the same sting as it can have elsewhere in the UK. It can also at times be used affectionately. Ricky Gervais tells a story of two on duty police officers meeting him in Edinburgh and one of them telling him ‘aye yer a funny cunt’

I completely understand that this was said in frustration but in Scotland it wouldn’t be automatically be seen as something vulgar and shocking.

If your son heard what he said in anger - he is unreasonable

If your son didn’t hear, I personally wouldn’t be upset about his words as such, more his inability to deal with his sons tantrums and throwing tantrums himself.

I think the ‘your’ part is the worse part of the insult.

Here in Scotland its used frequently and doesn’t have the same sting as it can have elsewhere in the UK

only if you don’t have any standards.

I’m a Glaswegian and I can assure you I’d be disgusted if my husband used this word about my child. It simply isn’t a word I use and it’s not a word any of my friends use either.