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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want them to go abroad..

54 replies

theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 21:17

My ex’s parents live abroad. He wants to take our 5 year old and 9 month old over there.
I said I don’t want our eldest being taken out of school but as he’s older and been away without me before I am less anxious about that.. but my 9 month girl.. it’s been just me and her since she was 3 months old. He only has her 9-5 2 days a week while I work. She never stays overnight. I just can’t bear the thought of being away from my baby it makes me feel sick. They always get drunk a lot when they’re together and stay out until all hours, even when our son was a baby.. it caused a lot of arguments. What do I do? One of his parents is unwell (hopefully will be cured) which adds to my guilt but I just can't stand the thought of being away from my baby so young.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/06/2022 21:18

You say no.

She's far too young to be away from you

KangarooKenny · 23/06/2022 21:18

Would you go and stay in a hotel nearby with the children ?

FlissyPaps · 23/06/2022 21:21

How long is he proposing to take them over there?

Are you BF?

If he can pay for you to go with them, you and the DC stop in a nearby hotel and visit their grandparents during the day times - then I think that’s reasonable.

If not, do not give him permission to take them without you. How far away is ‘abroad’?

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 23/06/2022 21:23

Which country?

I wouldn’t want him to take the baby.

Ginandslippers · 23/06/2022 21:24

I think the only way is for you to go as well. Stay somewhere near his family with the children, and he can take them for visits.

Original poster
theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 21:25

Cyprus. I would obviously rather not stay in a hotel alone but if it was the choice of that or being away from my baby that would be my choice. He wouldn't pay for me though that's for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 21:25

He wants to take them for 10 days. I'm no longer BF Sad

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 23/06/2022 21:27

Why hasn't he had them overnight together in the UK? Does he really want to try that for the first time after a flight in a hot country and for several days on the row?

FlissyPaps · 23/06/2022 21:28

I wouldn’t be comfortable with him taking them so young for 10 days if I wasn’t going.

Be absolutely honest with him and tell him all your concerns and how this will affect you.

If he did pay for you to go, would you be happy to?

Frazzled2207 · 23/06/2022 21:29

You say
“They always get drunk a lot”
who’s they?
if you are BF that is an easy get out.

that said I think I would be open to a week or so in a nice hotel in Cyprus where he could take them during the day and bring at least the baby back to you. Could a friend possibly come with you?

are you at all worried he might not bring the children back? If so you need legal advice

EmeraldShamrock1 · 23/06/2022 21:31

Don't put yourself under any pressure.

Listen to your gut, the answer is no chance.

Original poster
theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 21:33

He has our 5 year old 2/3 nights a week as he likes to go back "home" (I moved out, he stayed in the family home) but he doesn't really ask to have the 9 month old .. he's not even got a cot for her.. and I don't like being away from her overnight so I don't push it.
I would go in a hotel and my mum would possibly come with me. But I'm not sure we could afford it and I guess we'd have to buy a package holiday with the same dates? I haven't got that kind of money Sad I've sadly stopped BF. Can he legally just take her?

OP posts:
Original poster
theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 21:34

Oh sorry "they" are him and his parents. Going to bed at 4am after a night of drinking even with the children is normal to them.

OP posts:
SomePosters · 23/06/2022 21:37

Do you actually think they won’t be safe with him?

LaurieFairyCake · 23/06/2022 21:37

No of course he can't just take her

You say 'no, she's never stayed with you overnight yet - once you've done that and built up and she's older we can talk about it'

If he gets arsey just say he'll have to take you to court/mediation if he wants different

And make sure you have the passports in case he tries to take her

Ponoka7 · 23/06/2022 21:38

That length of time is far too much considering he hasn't built up overnights and a court would say the same. Unless the illness is serious a term time holiday wouldn't be allowed either. Put your baby's needs first, not his parents need to see the children.

FlissyPaps · 23/06/2022 21:40

Can he legally just take her?

No. I hope this link works OP. Xx

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 23/06/2022 21:41

NO way! I don't think I'd even let my DH take our baby abroad never mind the ex who hasn't even had the bay overnight!
The only way I'd agree is like what pp have suggested if I went too

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 23/06/2022 21:41

Baby

Frazzled2207 · 23/06/2022 21:41

No you don’t have to buy a package holiday. Get flights and book a hotel. But a package might be cheaper. Certainly it would be better value to take someone with you to share the room.

try and have a sane discussion with him first though eg don’t you think you should practice having the baby overnight first. Encourage it just for one night. He might see how difficult it would be for him and how unrealistic it is. However in terms of taking your son what he proposes sounds reasonable.

Original poster
theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 21:42

I'm not sure about not being safe.. but I'm not sure they would meet her needs/routine.. she's crawling and very quick and puts everything in her mouth as babies do and I'm just not sure they would keep an eye on her well enough. I know her cries and why and I don't think he would have a clue.
He said "if you say no I don't care, I'm taking them anyway"
His parent's illness is serious but not terminal as it stands.. has good prognosis.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/06/2022 21:43

Does your daughter even have a passport? If she doesn’t, the summer could be over before it even arrives.

Frazzled2207 · 23/06/2022 21:47

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/06/2022 21:43

Does your daughter even have a passport? If she doesn’t, the summer could be over before it even arrives.

good point but he can apply himself if not assuming he has PR.

if the kids have passports already can you hold on to them for now?

Maybebabyno2 · 23/06/2022 21:49

Not a chance in hell I would let him take them alone out of the contry.

BreadInCaptivity · 23/06/2022 21:50

It's inappropriate for him to take your youngest child abroad for 10 day when he has never looked after them overnight.

Just say no - it's too much too soon.

If he takes you to court he'll get pretty short shrift with that suggestion.

However I wouldn't be quick to discount him paying for an Airbnb for you to stay in and have the younger child overnight with you.

It's good for the children to understand their heritage and have a relationship with their in-laws.

It's also good if you end up in court in the future to have demonstrated a commitment to supporting that.

But the upshot if he won't fund you to be there is a no from me.