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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want them to go abroad..

54 replies

theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 21:17

My ex’s parents live abroad. He wants to take our 5 year old and 9 month old over there.
I said I don’t want our eldest being taken out of school but as he’s older and been away without me before I am less anxious about that.. but my 9 month girl.. it’s been just me and her since she was 3 months old. He only has her 9-5 2 days a week while I work. She never stays overnight. I just can’t bear the thought of being away from my baby it makes me feel sick. They always get drunk a lot when they’re together and stay out until all hours, even when our son was a baby.. it caused a lot of arguments. What do I do? One of his parents is unwell (hopefully will be cured) which adds to my guilt but I just can't stand the thought of being away from my baby so young.

OP posts:

magaluf1999 · 23/06/2022 21:52

I believe cyprus is part of the hague convention. Is northern cyprus?
Do you think he will return them as its possibly a risky place if not?
Id definitely research it.

Original poster

theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 22:04

Thank you everyone. I actually expected a bit of backlash and telling me I should let her go!
It's southern Cyprus, his parents are ex pats from the UK.
She doesn't have a passport and I have her original birth certificate which I'm hoping means he can't apply for a passport with it.
I don't want to be that parent who seems like I'm using my child as a weapon as I'm not but it's been just me and her for 6 months and she's still so little.

OP posts:

Travis1 · 23/06/2022 22:09

When is he planing on going? What is his plan to develop overnights with your daughter. I can just imagine if you came on saying he wasn’t letting you take her abroad. He’d be all the bastards and be told to take her anyway 🙄

also surely if his parent is Ill there will not be 4am drinking sessions

FitFat · 23/06/2022 22:11

No!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so tiny and he has no expsrience of caring for her! She will be so distressed without you! Poor you OP. He can save up to take you over too and when she is older and he is able to show he can look after her. Thr audacity of this man!!! He has them 9 to 5? Does he work, or he does shift work??

Original poster

theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 22:11

@Travis1 you wouldn't think so would you. But he's still drinking as he used to.
Yeah that's the thing but he's used to being without her.. I'm not. He's had 2 abroad holidays already this year. I could never imagine leaving them trust me to have kids with someone who's parents aren't down the road!

OP posts:

FlissyPaps · 23/06/2022 22:13

The fact that they’re ex-pats from the UK makes me think that actually they should be the ones to come here (once they’re well enough and fit enough to fly).

I’d absolutely put my foot down to him just taking them OP. Unless he pays for your to join them, or he waits a few years until the children are older, or his parents come back to their home country to visit their grandchildren.

& That’s not you using them as a weapon. It’s being a responsible parent thinking logically.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/06/2022 22:16

When you respond, don't focus on how you feel or that you will miss her.

I also at this stage wouldnt focus on the care that his parents will give or the drinking. He will just argue against it.

Focus on what's best for the baby. It's not in a babys best interest when they are that young to be away from their primary caregiver for that long. She is too young to understand and will be distressed. Stress it's nothing to do with how much you trust him or his bond with his daughter or anything like that, purely it's too long for the baby and courts agree that shorter frequent visits are better til they are older.

Hapoydayz · 23/06/2022 22:16

No, that’s way too young especially when he’s not done overnights. He’s not thinking of the child and it would be terrible for you

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/06/2022 22:18

No it’s not reasonable if you aren’t comfortable with it. Either he pays for you to go and stay in a hotel (assuming you can get time off work) or he just takes the elder one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2022 22:21

Not a fucking chance. Your perfectly valid feelings aside, it’s completely unfair on a baby that young to be aware from her primary carer for so long with someone she’s never been with overnight. He’s an idiot for even considering it and his parents are as bad if they’re encouraging it.

It sounds like he has nearly shared care for your son so that’s different but no way is the baby going. And no way she’ll get a passport anytime soon either.

NoToLandfill · 23/06/2022 22:22

A clear no.
Absolutely not.
You do not have to agree to this.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/06/2022 22:24

Ok. I’d be applying for her passport then. If you have it, he can’t use it. And he wouldn’t then be able to apply for one.

magaluf1999 · 23/06/2022 22:29

I think you missed my point. His parents may well be in southern cyprus but what are the laws should he hop over the border? Are you protected against that? Id do some research.

Yikesafhutt · 23/06/2022 22:29

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/06/2022 22:24

Ok. I’d be applying for her passport then. If you have it, he can’t use it. And he wouldn’t then be able to apply for one.

THIS - for both children - do it now online.

Tell him to get to fuck.

BreadInCaptivity · 23/06/2022 22:30

theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 22:04

It's too soon and too much.

Offer a compromise such as you going as well or say when you have had LO overnight for a week etc then ok you can take her for a week.

Don't say no.

Just offer reasonable alternatives. That will help in court if it goes there.

Bolsa · 23/06/2022 22:31

Can he not just take the older one? The baby won't know any different and it'll be good for your son to have some one on one time with his dad and grandparents

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 23/06/2022 22:36

Could you compromise by agreeing for him to take the older child? If he’s used to being with Dad 2/3 nights a week, a holiday isn’t a massive jump, and he’s that bit older and able to be away from you. If he’s still being unreasonable re. your baby though, if it was me I’d apply for a passport for her ASAP and then keep it with you, just in case.

Original poster

theunicorndream · 23/06/2022 22:44

I personally don't think his parents are very considerate people and tend to think of themselves but being the ex daughter in law I will think that! It sounds awful but I feel they chose to move abroad to live the life they do.. they didn't have to move over there. If they were in the UK I still wouldn't be too happy with overnight stays but less of a worry as I would know I was only a car or train journey away.
I've said even thought I'd rather he didn't, as long as it's not term time he can take my eldest. He did last year while I was pregnant, he can obviously speak and let them know what his needs are. But he said he's taking both of them whether I like it or not.
So if I apply for a passport, that means he can't apply for another?

OP posts:

5zeds · 23/06/2022 23:02

If you apply for a passport it will come to you and he can’t alkyl for one at the same time. It takes weeks anyway so it’s unlikely he’ll be able to take her in the next couple of months.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/06/2022 23:51

from reading the legal board on here, I think he needs permission from you to take her abroad. he could take it to court if you disagree to get a specific issues order (?) try posting on there for advice and get proper legal advice. There are charities that have information pages to read for free.

FictionalCharacter · 24/06/2022 03:04

Hell no, especially after this:
He said "if you say no I don't care, I'm taking them anyway"

NumberTheory · 24/06/2022 03:22

Without a court order saying otherwise, you both need the other's permission to take your children abroad. But authorities don't check that often so he might be able to get away with it (as might you without his permission).

Getting passports yourself is one way to help ensure he can't just whisk them off and try his luck. But if he takes you to court and asks them for permission, he'll may well get it. They may say he'll need to build up time with her overnight beforehand, but that just means she'll be away from you more.

You need to look at building an equitable relationship with him if you can. Trying to control how much time he can spend with his dd because you don't want to be away from her is unlikely to go down well in court. You need to be able to show it is in your dd's best interests in a way the court will agree with.

NumberTheory · 24/06/2022 03:32

She doesn't have a passport and I have her original birth certificate which I'm hoping means he can't apply for a passport with it.

The "original" is the registration kept by the registrar. All certificates are simply the details of the registration copied onto the certificate. Anyone can apply for a birth certificate for anyone else and they are all "equal". So this will not stop him applying, he'll just need to send off for a birth certificate for her himself first.

BEAM123 · 24/06/2022 03:37

I think you should apply for her passport ASAP so you have it, not him.

And 9 mths is way too long to be away from her primary caregiver, especially to stay with people who don't know her and will be drinking all night. And any judge would agree.

Email or text offering for you to take her and stay nearby if he can pay your costs, as you know it's good for her to meet his parents. That is a reasonable offer and by putting it in writing you have evidence you offered and of his response.

He cannot take either child if he does not have their passports, and if you say no he will just have to take it to court. You aren't using the kids as weapons, you are being a responsible and loving parent. He, on the other hand, is being a dick.

WibblyWobblyJane · 24/06/2022 04:25

No friggin way. Do whatever you have to do to stop it.

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