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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make this my hill to die on?

55 replies

Wills181 · 23/06/2022 20:03

My first post so sorry if I don't get the shortenings correct! I've been reading for a while but made an account recently.

My husband and I have 1 DC together. He also has two older children with his ex girlfriend.

We own our own home and are in the process of looking to sort wills and were discussing these recently.

I mentioned that it should be pretty straight forward as I'd like my 50% to go to our son and he can then decide to do what he wants to with his half (leave it to the kids is what he said).

He seems to have really been taken back by this and things it's horrible unfair that our son should receive more of the house and thinks we should split it completely equally and that's the only fair way. He thinks it's favouring our son to not do it this way and makes it seem like his older children are not as important.

My husband's older DC have a mother who also owns her home and does well for herself so far as I know. I obviously can't say what she would leave to them as it's not my business but I can't imagine there won't be some provision for them in her will too.

I want to stick my heels in really about this, it's going to cause an issue between us I can tell but I feel very unfair on our son doing it any other way.

AIBU to make this my hill to die on? Part of me feels like just going and arranging it in private and not telling him anymore about it.

OP posts:
ratatouilles · 23/06/2022 20:06

What you are suggesting is the only fair way to do it. Why should any of your 50% go to his children? In fact, your 50% should go to your DC and his 50% should be split between his 3 DC, if you wanted to be really strict.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 23/06/2022 20:07

You are absolutely right.

Your half goes to your son, his half he can split 3 ways. His daughters will get a portion of their mums assets too.

IrisJoy · 23/06/2022 20:08

I am the other mother in this situation (if that makes sense). I think it’s more than fair that you leave your half just to your dc. I would never expect my dc’s step mum to leave anything of hers to my dc.

HangOnToYourself · 23/06/2022 20:08

ratatouilles · 23/06/2022 20:06

What you are suggesting is the only fair way to do it. Why should any of your 50% go to his children? In fact, your 50% should go to your DC and his 50% should be split between his 3 DC, if you wanted to be really strict.

Totally agree, otherwise he is actually favouring his other children s they will inherit from their mother

SheWoreYellow · 23/06/2022 20:10

So what will happen in your scenario if you die first?

LilacRose30 · 23/06/2022 20:11

No I totally agree with you; it’s your share - do what you want with it! I have 2 brothers (1 with a different dad) and my DB1 is his dads only boy so will get everything when his dad dies, yet my mom wants hers and my dads estate shared between 3 of us 🙄 my DB1 will get a lot of money from his dad anyway which doesn’t really seem fair (he’s loaded anyway!)

pippinsleftleg · 23/06/2022 20:11

You are right - the other children will inherit from their mother.

ancientgran · 23/06/2022 20:12

I have 4 children, 2 with DH and 2 from previous marriage. We have decided my "half" will go between the 4, he is leaving his half mainly to our two but as we have been married for nearly 40 years he doesn't want to cut my older two out so it will roughly work out at 1/3 each for our two and the other third divided between the older two.

It just so happens that my ex is deceased and what he left the older two will mean eventually the 4 will have roughly the same so it seems fair to us.

HogDogKetchup · 23/06/2022 20:12

You’re speaking like you’d die at the same time. But no, it’s not unreasonable. People leave their money in all manner of ways - it’s entirely up to you. FWIW it’s fair. Your DSC will inherit from their other parent too.

aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2022 20:13

You are right. Giving the benefit of the doubt perhaps he has just not thought of it outside his own perspective but he needs to realise that this is a very standard way to split things when there are kids that aren't shared. Both parents split their half between their own kids. All is fair.

Original poster
Wills181 · 23/06/2022 20:13

SheWoreYellow · 23/06/2022 20:10

So what will happen in your scenario if you die first?

We are tenants in common so I'd propose a lifelong right to stay in the house until his death or until he wants to sell at which point 50% of the sale proceeds would go to my son and his 50% would be his to do with what he wants,if he were alive, or if he were to die, to be split in accordance with his own will.

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 23/06/2022 20:14

You need to figure out not what just happen if you die in your 70s but how will that work if either of you get run over tomorrow. If he dies next week would you have to leave the house?

cantyfunt · 23/06/2022 20:15

YANBU

My DP and I have done exactly same. Split our share between our own children.

user2345266 · 23/06/2022 20:16

You are 100% correct!!!
His children will get a part of their mothers so why should they get a part of yours ??
That isn't fair on your DC.

ZenNudist · 23/06/2022 20:17

He's being unfair. He should be splitting his share between his 3 dc.

Darbs76 · 23/06/2022 20:22

I think that’s fair. Your DH is probably just feeling defensive. When you’ve got children by different partners and there’s a suggestion of your previous children receiving less you can go on the defensive. Hopefully he will see that this is entirely reasonable.

That said I’m looking for buy a house soon. I have 1 child I had when I was a teenager; no father ever been in his life, and 2 children who have a father who adores them, and has already saved for their whole Uni costs, and now saving towards helping them buy a home in the future (they are 14 & 17, oldest child coming up 30). My ex suggested I leave my house / death benefit to DS1 as he will take care of the 2 children we have together. I know that makes financial sense, but I don’t think I’d be able to do that, to me it would seem wrong to leave 2 children nothing. Maybe I’d do something like 50% to ds1 and 25% share each to ds2 and dd. I don’t know. It’s hard.

ancientgran · 23/06/2022 20:23

My husband seems to be unusual as a step parent in wanting to give something to my older children.

cptartapp · 23/06/2022 20:26

You are totally right.
Bluntly, for you, of course his children are 'not as important'. Can't he understand that? Of course you favour your own son. You do with your money what you want as you chose to have one.
For him, different entirely. He does with his money what he wants. He chose to have three.

MargosKaftan · 23/06/2022 20:29

Yes, you decide what happens to your share, he does his. You have 1 child and while it might be nice to leave something in your will of your assets to your step children, of course you would want the bulk of your estate to go to your child.

Perhaps this needs to be a conversation that he has to go away and think about- he has 3 children, who I assume he loves equally and would treat fairly. However, you only have 1 child. By having children with more than one woman, your DP needs to accept that those woman don't have the same family make up as him. Also his children from his first relationship have different family members to the children from the 2nd, but both had a mother and a father who will leave their assets to them when they die.

Questions to help him think about this : would he expect his exP to leave anything in her will to your dc? Your son is her children's brother, but not related to her. Your step children are your sons siblings, but not related to you. You only see them because they are having access with your DP, if you two split up, would he expect you to have access visits?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 23/06/2022 20:32

You are absolutely right!!

Youseethethingis1 · 23/06/2022 20:37

Each child has the chance to inherit from their own two parents. Nobody is favoured, nobody is left out.
What he's saying is he wants his eldest get 50% of one house plus 33% of another house, while your DS gets only 33% of one house. It's pretty obvious who is being favoured in this scenario and it's not your DS.
I made it my hill to die on, absolutely. In fact we currently have additional life insurance to cover DSD rather than a share of DHs half of the house, as she would be waiting a long time to receive anything while her asset was also the one and only home of my dependent children. We will review the wills again when the kids are adults but I'm still not taking from my children to give to her when she has her own mother to inherit from. That would be deeply unfair.

1000yellowdaisies · 23/06/2022 20:40

ratatouilles · 23/06/2022 20:06

What you are suggesting is the only fair way to do it. Why should any of your 50% go to his children? In fact, your 50% should go to your DC and his 50% should be split between his 3 DC, if you wanted to be really strict.

Definitely this 👌

BlodynGwyn · 23/06/2022 20:51

Wills181 · 23/06/2022 20:13

We are tenants in common so I'd propose a lifelong right to stay in the house until his death or until he wants to sell at which point 50% of the sale proceeds would go to my son and his 50% would be his to do with what he wants,if he were alive, or if he were to die, to be split in accordance with his own will.

Show quote history

I'm not sure how this works.

What happens if only a small portion of the mortgage is paid off when you die and he alone (or with a new wife) pays off the balance. Do you still expect your sone to inherit 50% from the sale of the house? I thought the surviving spouse inherited 100% of the shared assets and could make their own will.

BlodynGwyn · 23/06/2022 20:53

*Son not 'sone'.

Original poster
Wills181 · 23/06/2022 20:56

BlodynGwyn · 23/06/2022 20:51

I'm not sure how this works.

What happens if only a small portion of the mortgage is paid off when you die and he alone (or with a new wife) pays off the balance. Do you still expect your sone to inherit 50% from the sale of the house? I thought the surviving spouse inherited 100% of the shared assets and could make their own will.

Show quote history

That's only if you own as joint tenants. We own as tenants in common so each technically own 50% individually and can will that to whoever we want. We can give lifetime right to stay in the house to the other person but if they sell or they die, my 50% would go to whoever id willed it to.

If he and a new wife paid off the mortgage on the house, that would just be very silly of them I imagine? In that scenario they'd just be better off selling it, giving my 50% to our son and then buying somewhere else together.

That's how I understand it anyway from my albeit limited chats with a solicitor friend ha.

OP posts: