To make this my hill to die on?

[Wills181]

My first post so sorry if I don't get the shortenings correct! I've been reading for a while but made an account recently.

My husband and I have 1 DC together. He also has two older children with his ex girlfriend.

We own our own home and are in the process of looking to sort wills and were discussing these recently.

I mentioned that it should be pretty straight forward as I'd like my 50% to go to our son and he can then decide to do what he wants to with his half (leave it to the kids is what he said).

He seems to have really been taken back by this and things it's horrible unfair that our son should receive more of the house and thinks we should split it completely equally and that's the only fair way. He thinks it's favouring our son to not do it this way and makes it seem like his older children are not as important.

My husband's older DC have a mother who also owns her home and does well for herself so far as I know. I obviously can't say what she would leave to them as it's not my business but I can't imagine there won't be some provision for them in her will too.

I want to stick my heels in really about this, it's going to cause an issue between us I can tell but I feel very unfair on our son doing it any other way.

AIBU to make this my hill to die on? Part of me feels like just going and arranging it in private and not telling him anymore about it.

We’ve done what you’re suggesting. We own the house as tenants in common and the house is in a trust which means whomever dies first our wishes for our children stay in place.

He can’t have thought having a child with you would make his older kids more your responsibility. He had a third child and isn’t even planning to leave him anything from what you’ve said. Your half goes to your child, his half goes equally to all of his.

Our life insurance clears the mortgage in the event either of us dies. I think that’s a normal thing to do if you have a mortgage?

This! Put to him exactly as this poster has explained.

We have exactly the same setup but DP hasn’t/ won’t update his will which is over a decade old and leaves everything to his ex. Because of this I insisted our house be bought in joint names, but when he pulls his finger out I’d want the same arrangement you suggest. DP’s ex got 1/2 their previous house when they split which she will undoubtedly leave to their children, so this seems fair to me.

It sounds like you already understand the situation and have had some good advice. Tenants in common with a right to live in the house for the surviving partner and your 50% going to your own offspring.

Completely normal, completely sound. Stick to this.

@mobear
Do you have DC? If so, from what you have said you have lined them up to lose everything to DPs ex!
If you die first, he gets everything and if he does before his ex it all goes to her?

I agree completely with you!

Ah the old You Can't Tell Me How To Parent The Dsc but you must give them your cash chestnut!! Tell him to get stuffed.

We have one DC under 5, his other DC are adults. If I died first I have life insurance and own another property which would go to my DC, and I am the beneficiary of a trust which owns another property which would then go to my DC, but our house would default to DP. If he dies I get the house mortgage free (as he has insurance which settles it) but nothing else. Given I cannot get him to change his will currently this seemed like the best solution, but it does bother me immensely.

Oh I'd forgotten about the life insurance.

I do also have a separate policy that pays out to my son (or in trust if he's too young) on my death too. We also have a joint one with the mortgage which clears that on either of our deaths.

We have 3 children together, and I have a step daughter too. Ours would be split equally between the children, biological or not. I married into an existing family and added to it, she’s as much my responsibility as the others. She is also almost certainly not going to inherit anything from her Mam. I don’t mean that disrespectfully, but just that she survives on benefits and child support and lives in a council house so I don’t think there will be a lot to leave.

We have 2 together and he has one from previous relationship and mine is set up as you have.
I don't see how it's fair that stepson would inherent from me, his dad and his mum, causing my 2 childrens inheritance to decrease and his to increase. It's not fair.
He inherits from his 2 parents. My 2 inherit from their 2 parents.

You are right. Your share goes on your kids.
his share goes on his (3) kids.
i think what would muddy the waters a bit would be if you lived as one family and you were effectively dm to his kids. But that’s the situation here as they have their own dm.

While it may be the hill to die on - I would take it slowly - have several conversations about it and don’t get emotive about it. It’s just numbers and logic and yes your position is fairer and ensures an equal spread of assets in so far as it can be. I would make every effort not to fall out over this and acknowledge he feels he needs to be fair to his children however they have another parent.

Reason with him that you’ll leave your part to his children too if he can guarantee his ex will be leaving a third of her wealth to your child.

He’s not thinking straight. I can see how he’s got there, but he’s wrong.

My Will leaves my half of our house to my children with DH having a right to live in the house until his death. But there is also a clause to say that he can sell and use the proceeds to buy another house - if he wants to downsize or move. It gives him that flexibility. My children are still entitled to the same share of the proceeds, getting the cash difference if the new house is cheaper.
I didn’t want him to be trapped in a house and not have enough to buy a new property somewhere else

He can be fair to his children with his half of the house though. One half split three ways. The other to the OP’s only child.

If your DH thinks what you are suggesting is unfair I suspect he doesn’t understand properly. The ONLY fair way to do it is your 50% to your dc and his 50% split equally between his three dcs.
Thus each child gets 1/2 of a property from their mother and 1/6 from their father ie 2/3 in total. Which is how it should be when 2 (houses) are divided equally by 3 (children)

Even if their mother had 3 other kids (so they’d be getting 1/5 of her house) it’s the only fair way to do it. Or if she buys with a partner who has his own kids (so the SC would get 1/2 each of her half).

That’s the reality of their family - they have more siblings to share with. The OP’s son doesn’t need to compensate his half siblings for being his mother’s only child.

What you are suggesting is completely standard, as any solicitor will tell you.

You absolutely should not learn money to your step kids unless you actively want to. You can point out to him they will also inherit from their mother, but it’s by the by.

In these situations, I always think it’s only the partner with more children who ever thinks it’s ‘unfair’. If your partner had one kid and you had two (one of who wasn’t his), I doubt he’d be insisting on splitting the house evenly between them.

My husband and I had a similar chat but in our case he is the step-parent.
I have one DC with an ex and myself and DH have one DC together.

My ex is a horrible person and my DC has made the decision not to see their father anymore. He will also not inherit anything as ex has next to no assets.
DH and I have agreed that our assets get split 50:50 for both kids. We also have an insurance policy that will pay off any remaining mortgage should one of us die before it is paid or become critically ill.
If that happens the house will be paid and the other party can live there until they die, at which point it gets split between the children, or they sell and 50% is shared between the children.

Our will also does state that both myself and DH would want my eldest to stay with DH if I died, and DC wants this too - they are at an age where they are old enough to decide.
Otherwise I would want care would fall to my parents and they'd ensure that happens.

I owned my house before I got together with my partner and intend for the whole thing to go to our son regardless of if we get married in the future.

I agree with you.
Its scenarios like this that make me glad I'm too poor to own a house, not sure that who gets my washi tape collection will have quite the same impact.
Our 4dc can pull lots out of a hat for the TV and rice cooker 😅

I actually don’t agree. I would split equally 3 ways so I’m with your husband. I also totally disregard what the other parent does with their money, they’re nothing to do with you. If you’re a family you treat all children equally and that means splitting it 3 ways.