To expect my husband to help out

[Frida9]

Me and my husband both work full time, no kids yet but I am currently pregnant. I earn about a third of what my husband does, we both have the same level education and similar upbringings.
My job is not difficult or stressful but it's a good job and I still feel proud of where I have got myself in my career. I was looking for other jobs but decided to stay put now I'm pregnant. My husband's job is more specialist, he had to do 6 months training for his job after graduating uni and it's a lot more physical than mine. His job involves him working away every few weeks but he then gets this time back and has 2/3 weeks where he isn't working.

My main stress at the moment is that as I earn less and have a less physical job my husband thinks I should solely look after the house ie. All cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I totally get this when he is away because he's not here to help out but when he has his weeks off I feel he should help out. Tonight he started shouting at me and having a go because the house isn't spotless (haven't hoovered this week and bathroom needs cleaned). Am I being unreasonable to expect he does half the chores when he's home or should I do more? I work from home a lot so my husband sees me as just sitting on the sofa typing all day which is not the summation of my job!
With me being pregnant he also keeps going on about how he's looking forward to me being a house wife and having a spotless house in "my year off"! I've tried explaining that babies are quite a lot of work but he just laughed at me and said I don't know what hard work is.

I guess I feel guilty because I know I can't afford our lifestyle without him but he can afford it without me, I hate feeling like a little woman who has to run around kissing his feet because I've been lucky enough to marry someone who earns more than me. I feel he really doesn't respect what I do or that I have the same education level as him. We keep our money separate so I don't rely on him but I couldn't afford the mortgage or holidays without him.

Run OP - he's only going to continue to make you feel shitter about yourself, and abuse you for not doing the 'wife work' he thinks you should.

That doesn't sound good OP.
I'd be getting away from him ASAP, things will get much worse when your baby arrives.

It’s only helping if he’s doing things which should be your job. A partner should share all responsibilities. If he’s this shit about the house he will be worse when baby actuallu arrives.

Your husband is off work for two weeks and you are working full time (while growing a human which is pretty hard) and he shouted at you because you haven’t hoovered?? Leaving aside that it’s totally unacceptable to shout at you in this way, he sounds like an arsehole.

Firstly since he lives in the house he’s not “helping you” by running the hoover around himself.

My other half also works away and then is home for weeks at a time. When he’s home and I’m working he does the bulk of the housework and cooking. I do have a stressful job and earn 90% of what he does but I don’t see why that’s got anything to do with it really. Like you say it’s about respect for you as a person.

You need to help him to change his mindset or, I'm afraid , your relationship should end. You can't bring a child into a family where one parent is treated as a servant or at least of lower status than the other. Will he listen do you think? It is perfectly fine for the partner who has more available time to do
more in the home imo . It is not alright for the division of labour to be based on gender or income.A nurse or social worker is contributing just as much as a md or banker with similar responsibility. The fact that they earn less doesn't t mean they are of less value. Could a friend or family member talk to DP do you think?

OP I am sorry, this is abuse.

He shouted at you because he think the house needs to be cleaned? Shouted.

He is not a good person, he won’t lift a finger when you have a child.

Do please leave, this will only get worse.

Your husband is a cunt, sorry.

Choose what sort of life you want. This? Or not.

Jesus, I wish all these horrible, arrogant, abusive little men would just fuck off.

Utterly appalling behaviour from your husband. You're growing a child inside you!! And he shouts at you? To Hoover?!?

I'm not saying he should run around after you (though he probably should!), But he really needs to understand very quickly that a) it doesn't matter how much you earn, you both work full time and should contribute equally to the housework, and b) when pregnant that's also exhausting and he should be making an extra effort to look after you.

Sadly OP I don't think it bodes well for the future if he's behaving like this now. Was he always sexist and ignorant or is this new?

Sorry I had to stop reading your post half way through because it filled me with internal rage. Once the baby takes the bottle (if BF), be sure to take a well deserved break for 2/3 days AND say you expect to come back to a spotless house. Wow, he is in for such a shock!!

With me being pregnant he also keeps going on about how he's looking forward to me being a house wife and having a spotless house in "my year off"! I've tried explaining that babies are quite a lot of work but he just laughed at me and said I don't know what hard work is.

Seriously, this is the man you chose to have a child with?

This can't be real, "help out" - does he not live there too? Your "year off"?! - no man is this dense, surely?!

If it is genuine, then ditch the disrespectul man baby. Or at least get a cleaner if you do decide to stay.

The split of time spent on household chores should be based on how many hours each of you works. NOT on how much you earn. Sorry OP but he sounds like a massive dickhead.

Why have you settled for this? It’s really sad.
He’s a twat and needs to come to his senses or become an ex.
Doing his share of the chores is not “helping”.

This is awful

God, this entire post is like Mumsnet bingo.

Was he this much of a prick when you married him and then still when you decided to get pregnant?

He's a chauvinistic pig OP!!
Why is it some or all men wants this 50's lifestyle where the woman is basically a slave to their needs.
I genuinally think they all secretly think the same whether some vocalise it or not. I've come to that conclusion myself after witnessing mens behaviour so many times. Frigging bell ends!

Ugh. You're stuck with 'that' for 18yrs. Good luck getting him to evolve😬

If someone shouted at me because the house wasn't spotless, I'd have shown them the door. Who the f**k does he think he is?

You need to explain in short words, big letters, possibly just pictures 😂 that your year off is for recovery and looking after baby. Housework Is and always will be 50:50. What you earn is irrelevant.

Be careful OP. My ex started to become abusive when I was pregnant. He thought he'd 'caught me', that I couldn't leave. He was wrong and your dh is too.

If you keep your money separate what proportion of mortgage/bills/food etc are you currently funding, what maternity benefits do you get and how is your time off being funded (presuming you won't be getting a year on full pay)? DH is currently showing you who he is. Things are only going to go downhill from here with an attitude like that.

Yeah he’s horrible. Sorry op.

YANBU. I would leave. My house is v messy (not helped by the kids). We both pitch in though I earn about half my DH.

This.
It's a joint household. You're not his housemaid.

You are married to an asshole and things will not improve once you give birth if he thinks his behaviour is ok now. You need to have some serious conversations, counselling if he won’t engage.