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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my husband to help out

75 replies

Frida9 · 22/06/2022 22:35

Me and my husband both work full time, no kids yet but I am currently pregnant. I earn about a third of what my husband does, we both have the same level education and similar upbringings.
My job is not difficult or stressful but it's a good job and I still feel proud of where I have got myself in my career. I was looking for other jobs but decided to stay put now I'm pregnant. My husband's job is more specialist, he had to do 6 months training for his job after graduating uni and it's a lot more physical than mine. His job involves him working away every few weeks but he then gets this time back and has 2/3 weeks where he isn't working.

My main stress at the moment is that as I earn less and have a less physical job my husband thinks I should solely look after the house ie. All cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I totally get this when he is away because he's not here to help out but when he has his weeks off I feel he should help out. Tonight he started shouting at me and having a go because the house isn't spotless (haven't hoovered this week and bathroom needs cleaned). Am I being unreasonable to expect he does half the chores when he's home or should I do more? I work from home a lot so my husband sees me as just sitting on the sofa typing all day which is not the summation of my job!
With me being pregnant he also keeps going on about how he's looking forward to me being a house wife and having a spotless house in "my year off"! I've tried explaining that babies are quite a lot of work but he just laughed at me and said I don't know what hard work is.

I guess I feel guilty because I know I can't afford our lifestyle without him but he can afford it without me, I hate feeling like a little woman who has to run around kissing his feet because I've been lucky enough to marry someone who earns more than me. I feel he really doesn't respect what I do or that I have the same education level as him. We keep our money separate so I don't rely on him but I couldn't afford the mortgage or holidays without him.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 23/06/2022 05:31

I think LTB is waaaaayy over used her but think it's justified here.

I think if you say that you are in for a lifetime of judgement and misery if I am honest.

Velvian · 23/06/2022 06:43

He should do most of the jobs in the home in his 2 to 3 weeks off, lazy fucker.

You're keeping your money separate as well, so his job being more physical or whatever is totally irrelevant.

I think you need to leave this nasty piece of work. He will only get worse once you have the baby.

Darbs76 · 23/06/2022 06:51

Seriously. Anyone who shouted at me as I hadn’t cleaned the house would be gone. Or I’d be gone. Disgusting behaviour and no, he won’t change. Maybe for a few days if you tell him you’re leaving, but eventually he will return to his laziness. Walk away.

PersonaNonGarter · 23/06/2022 06:55

No. You got shouted at for not cleaning the house?

what is this, 1951?

please don’t put up with this. The money is irrelevant. You are not his servant he can do his own house tidying.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/06/2022 07:32

Oh, op, you've married and got pregnant to a complete and utter arsehole. What a vile man.

The fact that you are even asking this absurd question shows that you have been gaslit so much already that you can't think straight.

Get. Out. Now.

This isn't a person who is a bit confused, and just needing a little guidance with regards to pulling his weight, it's someone who is a sexist misogynistic abuser to the core.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/06/2022 07:36

What a vile man-I can’t imagine wanting to be with, let alone have a baby with someone who has views like this.

Youseethethingis1 · 23/06/2022 07:38

He's a horrible man and probably will get worse as your pregnancy goes on and after baby is born. In fact, thats a 100% guarantee as he's just told you "I'm going to be a massive prick to you when you give birth to our baby".
I need you to get it into your head that you don't need his "help" with anything. You need him to do his damn share of the work looking after his home and his baby or fuck the fuck off. End of story.

Momicrone · 23/06/2022 07:41

He couldn't have kids and work without you, what he earns is partly because of yoy

SandyWedges · 23/06/2022 07:41

If this is how he treats you how is he going to treat his baby

BitOutOfPractice · 23/06/2022 07:41

I know it shouldn’t be a shock but it still is totally shocking that there’s still men like this around with this Neanderthal attitude.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/06/2022 07:42

Oh dear OP

He disrespects your job
He disrespects you
He has no concept of what mat leave is about or how hard it is to look after a newborn
He is sexist and lazy
He shouts at his pregnant wife because the house isnt spotless.
He wont listen when you talk

I know mumsnet gets accused of jumping too easily to leave the bastard but honestly, this is serious and unless something dramatically changes then you are going to be miserable and end up leaving anyway. No one can put up with that level of entitlement, sexism and laziness and be happy.

You've already tried to talk to him so it sounds like the only thing that will work is action

rattlemehearties · 23/06/2022 07:42

It's not too late to leave and potentially not even have a child with this man. Consider all your options. Life gets really hard with a newborn and if he's this abusive now, I wouldn't dare stay for the more challenging bit.

notanothertakeaway · 23/06/2022 07:44

This is worrying OP

It's widely acknowledged that domestic abuse often starts during pregnancy, because the perpetrator realises they're no longer top dog / centre of attention

His attitude is awful

femfemlicious · 23/06/2022 07:46

Oh my God...women go throug a lot😢. I dont even know what advice to give. Has he always been like this. Will he agree to marriage counselling?

lunar1 · 23/06/2022 07:49

This is absolutely appalling, he wants to sit there for 2/3 weeks at a time, while you work, grow a human and are his servant? Run for the hills as fast as you can.

My husband earned 3 times my wage when we had our first, he has a highly stressful job. I had HG and was mostly at home off sick. he got cleaners in, came home from work and did whatever needed doing, and sorted out his own food plus whatever random thing I thought I could keep down that day.

Topseyt123 · 23/06/2022 07:51

You are married to an arsewipe. Dump him.

billy1966 · 23/06/2022 07:55

You have married an abusive man and are now pregnant.

Your life is about to get a lot worse.

Have you family support?

This is not a good man.

He is shouting at you now, goodness knows whats ahead of you.

I think you know well that you have made a huge mistake.

I bet he will keep you onna tight financial leash to control you.

How far gone are you?
Is termination a possibility?

If it was I would consider it.
If not I think you need to reach out for support because I would imagine you are bringing a baby into what is going to be an awful situation with a lazy bully of a husband that will be abusive.

You need to take your situation very seriously whilst you still have time.

I'm so sorry.

FlowerArranger · 23/06/2022 07:59

4 things can happen, @Frida9 ...

  1. You stay, and your life will be one of being disrespected and run ragged by doing everything, for ever after.
  2. As above, but in 20 years or so he'll trade you in for a younger woman.
  3. As above, but in 5-10 years you'll find your rage and file for divorce.
  4. OR:- You leave now and save yourself a fuckton of heartache. Not to mention allowing your child to grow up in a healthy and harmonious environment.

At this point in time you have a choice. Choose carefully...

prettyteapotsplease · 23/06/2022 08:09

I feel that billy1966 has hit the nail on the head. You're in a horrible situation with a horrible man. You have options and I hope you can leave him, I know it won't be easy but if you don't you'll be miserable for the rest of your life, tiptoeing around him/his moods and trying desperately to make the best of things.

You deserve better than this.

SallyWD · 23/06/2022 08:14

If he's off work for several weeks of course he should help! You're working too (your lesser salary is irrelevant) and pregnant. If he thinks looking after a baby isn't hard work let him do it for a week, along with the night wakings. It's the hardest think I've ever done! It sounds like he'll give you no support with the baby and will be completely unsympathetic if you need help. By the way, my husband earns NINE times my salary and still helps when needed.

Beamur · 23/06/2022 08:19

Oh dear. You've married a twat.
Your DH has the VERY IMPORTANT JOB doesn't he? Which magically absolves him from any domestic labour.
Tbh I think you have your work cut out for you in getting this unevolved creature to realise that the sun does not shine out of his arse.

Thevoiceofreasonable · 23/06/2022 08:26

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 22/06/2022 23:01

Your husband is a cunt, sorry.

Choose what sort of life you want. This? Or not.

I agree.

He sees you as the hired help. Is a fortnight abroad and a bigger house worth this bullshit?

HairyScaryMonster · 23/06/2022 08:32

If he was alone he'd be cooking and cleaning for himself. When he's not working he should be doing far more than 50%. He sounds like a misogynist prick frankly.

BeeDavis · 23/06/2022 08:36

Just so you know, this man will never change your baby’s nappy or do a night feed. I hope you’re prepared for that.

Sloth66 · 23/06/2022 08:55

In a decent relationship, it’s not about help. It’s about being a team , supporting each other. He has no respect for you, and this will only get worse.