To expect my husband to help out

[Frida9]

Me and my husband both work full time, no kids yet but I am currently pregnant. I earn about a third of what my husband does, we both have the same level education and similar upbringings.
My job is not difficult or stressful but it's a good job and I still feel proud of where I have got myself in my career. I was looking for other jobs but decided to stay put now I'm pregnant. My husband's job is more specialist, he had to do 6 months training for his job after graduating uni and it's a lot more physical than mine. His job involves him working away every few weeks but he then gets this time back and has 2/3 weeks where he isn't working.

My main stress at the moment is that as I earn less and have a less physical job my husband thinks I should solely look after the house ie. All cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I totally get this when he is away because he's not here to help out but when he has his weeks off I feel he should help out. Tonight he started shouting at me and having a go because the house isn't spotless (haven't hoovered this week and bathroom needs cleaned). Am I being unreasonable to expect he does half the chores when he's home or should I do more? I work from home a lot so my husband sees me as just sitting on the sofa typing all day which is not the summation of my job!
With me being pregnant he also keeps going on about how he's looking forward to me being a house wife and having a spotless house in "my year off"! I've tried explaining that babies are quite a lot of work but he just laughed at me and said I don't know what hard work is.

I guess I feel guilty because I know I can't afford our lifestyle without him but he can afford it without me, I hate feeling like a little woman who has to run around kissing his feet because I've been lucky enough to marry someone who earns more than me. I feel he really doesn't respect what I do or that I have the same education level as him. We keep our money separate so I don't rely on him but I couldn't afford the mortgage or holidays without him.

It must feel like you're living with your boss. I'd rather live on my own than with someone like that.

This is so sad to read.

Was he this much of a prick when you married him and then still when you decided to get pregnant?

Do you shout "self inflicted" to abused women in real life @giantwaterbottle, or just on here?

Like others have said, it's not about how much you earn it's about the hours that you put into your job. As it's equal hours he needs to do his equal share of chores. In fact given you're pregnant I'd expect him to do a little more as pregnancy (although not an illness) can be exhausting.

His views in general are misogynistic. If you chose to stay with him you need to work out how you're going to live during maternity leave- my dh took on all the household bills and I covered food and baby bits which meant there was no disparity in 'fun' money.

Yeah, nope.

You both work full-time, therefore you should both contribute equally to the household chores.

The fact that he earns more than you is irrelevant.

And yes, as others have pointed out, if you're pregnant he should actually be doing more than half, since your body is working hard to grow his offspring and you need plenty of rest.

Run OP!
A big house and nice holidays are not worth a lifetime of living with him and putting up with this shit He's an aresehole.

You both work the same hours = you split the chores 50:50.

Also, if you keep your money separate, then he's the only one who benefits from his higher wage... so why should you do his chores for him?

I suggest you plan for him to take a couple of month's parental leave while you go back to work a month or two early. With this man, you need to establish as soon as possible that the baby isn't your sole responsibility. Otherwise you're going to find yourself doing 100% of the childcare and housework... and it will 'make sense' for you to stay at home after mat leave to keep doing all the chores instead of him 'because he earns more'... and you'll find yourself financially reliant on him.

Agreed. As awful as it is, I would also consider a termination because why on earth would you want a child with such a dickhead like that? You'll be tied to him forever, and he'll be an utter nightmare to deal with once you leave him. I'd prefer a clean break from him, no child, just divorce.

How fucking dare he shout at you like that. He seems to think he is your manager, not your partner, i am so angry on your behalf. i cant understand how families, society whatever still churn out men like this. The good thing is he has set out his stall, often this sort of behaviour creeps into a marriage, especially after a child comes along, but he has told you exactly who he is. Now you have to decide what you are going to do about it. You can leave him, (i would) or you can give him a chance and set your expectations, ie that you are both equal participants in this relationship. if you choose the latter you need to set clear expectations that he will do his full share when he is home, and you need to absolutely stick to them.

That sounds terrible. What you earn shouldn't matter; if you're both working the same number of hours then you should do equal housework and chores.

Especially when you're pregnant! Your h should be looking after you, cherishing you at this time. He clearly isn't. He thinks you are a domestic appliance there to serve him, and he's too important to do housework.

I'd leave. Abuse often starts or ramps up in pregnancy, then gets worse after the baby is born. Do you have RL support?

Lifestyle, holidays and a large house will soon taste like sawdust in your mouth when confronted with a controlling lazy abusive man who makes your life hell.

Many, many posters have written of their joy upon finally having some peace when they move into tiny houses.

Just happy to finally be away from the abusive bullying pricks that tormented them.

You have a chance NOW to get away from this.

He is already abusing you.
It is just going to get SO MUCH WORSE when you have a baby in your arms and he is screaming at you about the state of the house, laundry, meals, all while you do EVERYTHING for the baby.

By having this baby you will be stuck with him.

Terminate and you can get away from him.

He doesn't love you, you realise that?

No man screams at his pregnant wife if he really loves her.

He is scum, and you had better wake up to the fact, because shit is going to get real for you, very quickly.

He’s an abusive, misogynistic prick. Sorry, but it’s never going to work, you will never be happy with this pig.

How are bills divided? If it’s 50/50, can you explain why you think it’s fair that he doesn’t share the perks of his job (money), but expects you to share the perks of your job (more free time)?

If he wants a spotless house he can pay for a cleaner with all his excess cash.

Horrible attitude. He'd have to clean if he lived alone. It won't get better once the baby arrives, believe me. He will still expect his "down time" after being at work and won't think that looking after a baby is work.

'Won't think that looking after a baby is work'....whilst simultaneously never doing it alone himself, because he needs a break from work.

I rarely use this word but your husband is a cunt.
He shouted at his pregnant wife because the house wasn't spotless. If any man tried that with me they would rue the day they were born!!
I'd tell him you'll do what you want and if he EVER shouts at you like this again you will leave him.
Sometimes you have to spell it right out. I can definitely see things escalating here.

You’re husband sounds like a knob. You’re pregnant ffs- he should be looking after you! And even if you weren’t, you shouldn’t be expected to do everything.

For context, I don’t work. Primary school aged child (so no where near as demanding as a baby). My husband is the sole earner, well paid but stressful job. He does the bathrooms every week and anything else that I haven’t got around to doing (I suffer from a chronic pain condition, so sometimes I’ve done feck all).
Also there’s no such thing as ‘his’ money. All money is our money and I’m the one who manages the finances. He’s fine with this as he’s not an abusive prick and treats me as his equal.

I’d try and nip this in the bud now OP, it’ll only get worse once you have a baby.

Hi Op, these replies must be very hard for you to read. They are harsh, but coming from a place of concern and frankly shock at your situation. You’ve asked about getting him to “help” and posters are quite fairly pointing out that there are bigger issues in play here. Once you’ve had a chance to reflect, if you come back with your thoughts people can help you work out what you can do next. FWIW I don’t think it’s necessarily completely unsalvageable for you and that people can’t change, but your husband does need to be able to listen to you and recognise the truth of what you’re feeling and saying, and be willing to take some actions - he needs to be open to that. If he isn’t, then you face some difficult choices. Have you ever spoken to him about the split in time/chores before?

incidentally - the “lucky” ones aren’t the ones who have married men with more money. The “lucky” ones (to the extent that “luck” is even a thing) are those whose husbands respect them and their choices and recognise the contributions they make. Don’t let him or anyone else tell you that it’s his money that matters here.

Chuck him back to the 1950s where he belongs.

I agree with @billy1966. He won't change. I'm so sorry.

I spent 19 years hoping mine would change. I kept thinking "when the baby arrives he'll do more" or "when the baby is older he'll do more (with her)" and there were more and more hopeful "when this happens he'll do more, or he'll understand/ care more..."

Guess what? It never happened. I wish I'd ended the relationship sooner. Please do so while you have the opportunity now. Don't be me in 19 years time.

For your child's sake get out of this abusive marriage as soon as possible.

Everything about this post makes me want to scream.

Why do so many women think they deserve so little respect? It’s maddening.

I hope you’re not going to let your child grow up thinking this is what a normal relationship looks like.

There really are so many kind, thoughtful, supportive men out there. This isn’t what life has to be like.

Totally unacceptable behaviour from your husband. If he wants a spotless house he can clean it himself or pay for a cleaner. This can only get worse - having a baby is wonderful but also exhausting and a lot of work. It’s reasonable for you to do the lions share of housework etc if you’re on mat leave and he is working. But totally unacceptable that he would shout at you about it. If he’s that bothered he has to do it himself.

I'm on maternity leave and I have a cleaner because I have no time to get anything done. It's bloody hard work being at home with a baby.

You won't get time to pee when you need to, let alone cleaning a bloody bathroom!

Show him this thread

Tell him hes a cunt