Employee stealing from a food bank

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NC'd for this. I run a food bank. I have a (paid) assistant Mary, along with lots of volunteers. My assistant used to be a volunteer, for context, but this is now her first proper job. She's on the autistic spectrum but very high-functioning. She is due to leave at the end of this month (travel, then uni). She's 19.

Anyway - I'm pretty sure she's stealing stock. Not donations from the public, but corporate type donations - bulk packs of biscuits, crisps etc. Always treat-y things rather than the (many) more mundane foods we have. Eg we receive two boxes of Dairy Milk at 2pm on Monday, I see them on the shelf, I head off at 3.30 and leave Mary there to finish whatever task - and when I come back in at 7 the next morning, one of the boxes is open and two large bars are missing. That sort of thing, again and again. On some of these occasions other people are in too, but the common denominator is Mary (and she'd always be the one in last/locking up). It's also extended to leaving the wrappers lying around on occasion, which is both dumb and infuriating.

Lives at home in a very well-off house, no expenses/money issues, no shortage of food - I'm quite certain. It feels, instinctively, like "teenage bottomless pit" type behaviour.

So:
Catch her out definitively?
Give her a vague but pointed chat about our stock and what it's for?
Say something before I wave her off at the end of the month?
Ignore?
Some other thing?

I don't think the value of what she's stealing is any great shakes, but a) really, who the hell steals from a food bank? b) theft is theft c) I trained her up and gave her a brilliant opportunity with this job, so I find it quite hurtful. I also would rather she learn her lesson now rather than when she's, I dunno, Chancellor of the Exchequer.

I don't have any other managers etc to bounce this off. I have trustees, who I suspect will leave it with me to make a decision as I see fit. WWYD?

I'm not being aggressive.

There is a lot of unconscious ableism in the way OP talks about this employee. Sorry it offends you so much to have that pointed out.

OP has said herself Mary has generally been a very good employee.

pixie5121 is not being aggressive.

This

And BTW, OP, try to avoid using gross ableist slurs like 'dumb' and perhaps go on some sort of disability awareness course. You could probably use one.

Here’s what I actually wrote - “in the past when I've asked her straight out about mistakes she has clearly made, she makes up a dumb rabbit-in-headlights lie”. Bit different.

In the situation I was referring to above Mary was responsible (as she has been from the outset) for putting into a freezer items that would otherwise go off at the end of a particular shift. I came in on the next working day to find it hadn’t been done (with a ££££ loss of meat as a result). I told Mary what I’d seen and reminded her that it was her job to open each fridge and check the contents for their use by dates. She replied, “Oh, there were things in the fridge? It must have been Bob [who wasn’t in that day, and whose job it isn’t].” That sort of thing. Whereas the response you want is “I’m sorry, I forgot. I’ll [do x thing] so it doesn’t happen again.” Which is precisely the response Mary herself was giving until a few months ago when her performance went down the pan.

OP has said herself Mary has generally been a very good employee.

I’ve corrected you on this above.

No, it isn't different. You're using 'dumb' to mean 'stupid' - that's literally why it's an ableist slur. You also did it in your OP. I'm not being sarcastic when I suggest taking a disability awareness course. If I described someone as behaving in a 'dumb' way at my workplace, I could get a disciplinary. It's not considered OK to say it anymore, and it definitely isn't OK to use it to describe the behaviour of a disabled person!

The thing about the fridge still doesn't mean Mary was knowingly lying, especially if she'd been happy to be honest previously. Why did you not tell her at the time that Bob wasn't in and it wasn't his job, and see what she said back?

So what if she lies? She's leaving in about a week. If OP is convinced it is her, then what good would asking the entire team do? Why is she even making such a mountain out of a molehill because someone ate a few chocolate bars?

Honestly, it sounds like you still don't grasp that stealing from your employer is wrong even if it is 'just' a few chocolate bars. How can you trust an employee that has a history of both stealing and lying?

See you said to someone else you aren’t being aggressive, and I sort of agree. But you absolutely are being rude, and actually trying to make me look ‘dumb’, which isn’t exactly helping anybody is it?

But the entire point is it's irrelevant now - she's leaving!

The time to say something was surely when it could have made a difference to whether or not she continued to be employed. What's the goal with saying something now? And why has she left it so long to attempt to find out who it is?

I'm not trying to 'make' you look anything. That's you projecting. I'm saying what I think.

The issue I had at a job where I was accused of something (not stealing - something less serious) was how attacked and ambushed I felt. It felt like such a betrayal that someone had been storing up examples of me doing this thing wrong so they could then use it against me. If it was so bad, then why on earth didn't they just tell me at the time? So it clearly wasn't that bad, was it, if they were prepared to let me keep doing it so they could build up a 'case' against me.

The logical thing to do if you don't like someone's behaviour is to tell them at the time. Not wait and wait and then blindside them with criticism weeks later. I never understand why NTs are obsessed with doing that - it's horrible.

Maybe, if her parents a GP and she's overweight they don't have treats at home. Or if she has a paid role now, maybe they are saying she needs to buy her own treats.

Therefore she sees work as being somewhere she can get the things she either isn't meant to have, can't access or doesn't want to pay for. I'm just guessing but they both seem like rational explanations for the 'why'. Doesn't make it right on either count. But might explain why when alone and why only treats.

‘Dumb’ as in mute, I’m assuming.

Being "pretty sure" won't cut it. You need definitive beyond all doubt proof. Lots of good suggestions given, though. I'd say you need a staff meeting to and talk to everyone as a group to discuss items going missing.
You can't just single out one person
. If they haven't done anything wrong some may say its victimisation.

The point of dealing with the issue now is surely (a) to know what sort of reference to give Mary & (b) to know whether the food bank needs to make sure they don't let Mary anywhere near it again, as a volunteer or a paid worker.

A reasonable answer to any claim of victimisation would be that incidents occurred when Mary was the only person there. That seems to be the case with the fridges & freezer, with the employee biscuits disappearing & with the stolen chocolate.

You keep going on and on about 'NT' vs 'ND' people, forgetting that
a) Even supposed 'NT' people don't communicate smoothly.
If they did there wouldn't be thousands of he said she said threads here.
b) Not all ND people are autistic!
In fact if someone had ADHD like me they'd probably have been putting it off, putting it off (demand avoidance), and then one day decided they'd had enough.
So your autistic self gets all upset. You don't understand why they put it off. But then.. you're doing the same thing as the NT's you hate so much. You're not understanding someone with a different way of thinking.

If you're used to being the only ND person in the room it's easy to think that everyone's against you, they're all ganging up and don't understand you because they're self obsessed twats.

Try being among other ND people, and your argument crumbles. Even autistic people themselves don't always understand each other. The hardest relationships DP has had, ironically is always with OTHER autistic people, not 'NT's. He gets pissed off with people who go on and on about their special interests, or say blunt ('rude) things to him. Although HE HAS DONE ALL OF THAT HIMSELF AND CONTINUES TO DO SO. He just can't see the huge contradiction.

The ONLY way for everyone to be 'fully accepted' is to accept that there's give and take. There are grey areas, yes, sometimes it's unfair, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's a clear allowance, otherwise not so clear.

But the idea that it's easy, if ONLY those darn NT's would just understand? nope.

It never will be, unless we all connected our brains to a giant central brain.

Yes, I know NTs don't communicate smoothly...that's the entire bloody point! If everyone in the world were autistic, I don't think there would be half the misunderstandings and confusion. NTs seem to talk in riddles, vague hints, and circle around the point, and then get confused or even angry when they're misunderstood. Even OP here has mentioned 'vaguely mentioning' something...why on earth would you do that to someone you know has a disability that means they have trouble picking up on hints?

Do you think it's incorrect to say that the majority of autistic people mean what they say and say what they mean?

More bullying from NTs. You love bullying people.

Do you think it's incorrect to say that the majority of autistic people mean what they say and say what they mean?

My autistic cousin is largely non verbal and struggles to process language. Is he typical? I don't know.

If a NT person were to generalise about autistic people in the kind of way you just did you'd be down our throats in a second. Most of us know autistic people, know how different they are and wouldn't feel qualified or confident to pass any kind of judgment.

Got us in one. Dreadful, dreadful bullies who put up with ND people stealing chocolate from food banks and letting precious meat go off when it could have fed hungry people, and instead of saying 'You're not a good fit for this job, we're letting you go' descend into a spiral of concern, kindness and anxiety about what's fair. These are the hallmarks of bullies the world over. (For those who struggle with sarcasm, I'm being sarcastic).

Clearly I mean the ones who can talk.

It's literally a key trait of autism to be blunt and honest, so yes, of course you can fucking generalise. It's part of the diagnostic criteria.

Enjoy basking in your ableism here. I'm sure OP will treat her autistic employee fairly, having spent time here talking about her 'dumb' behaviour, accusing her of lying and stealing with no evidence, making wild assumptions about her family life and more. I wonder whether she'll traumatise her by blindsiding her with her accusations, despite not having said anything before or whether she'll instead choose to drop some vague hints. Whatever she decides to do, I feel fairly certain it won't be kind or helpful.

I know what she's certainly not interested in, and that's listening to anyone who is actually autistic. Enjoy your ableist party.

Clearly I mean the ones who can talk.

That's not what you said.

My DD1 and her friend have both been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. Her friend has been shoplifting, and is encouraging my DD to do so as well. My DD no longer feels comfortable going anywhere with her because “She keeps saying “If I get caught, I can use the autism as an excuse and nobody will be able to touch me!” My DD has explained repeatedly how she feels about this, explaining that going anywhere with this friend fills her with anxiety, and that she is also uncomfortable with this girl using that excuse to try and evade consequences when she clearly knows that what she is doing is wrong. DD has also stated very clearly that she just wants to work on improving public awareness and education re the autistic spectrum and how difficult it is to move through life - especially for girls and women - and thinks that her friend’s behaviour and justification is an impediment to this. (We have discussed whether this behaviour is her acting out a result of her diagnosis, and DD1 emphatically believes that the diagnosis was not a shock and that her friend is delighted to have this excuse up her sleeve to get away with a lot of things.)