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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad person?

62 replies

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 09:32

Posting in AIBU for the amount of traffic as this is really playing on my mind. It is a very long story so I will try and narrow it down.

since being very young I have struggled with my mental health, worried and focused on various things through out my life, sometimes debilitating. My DH has stuck by me through about 3 very serious episodes of OCD where I wasn’t a functioning human. I can only imagine how hard it was for him and if I am being honest, if it was the other way round, I would have walked. He didn’t, he stayed obviously and I am very grateful for that.

after my second DC was born it all came to a head and I finally got some real help, I have had therapy and been on medication for the past 2 years, I honestly feel free and can now look back and see how poorly I actually was.

the thing is, my DH has understandably adapted to the OCD and I am finding our relationship very difficult. I feel like it is constantly thrown in my face. He is a lovely guy but extremely chilled out, I feel like I am Constantly nagging him 😢 he came home yesterday and I was 100mph at him as my son was being very difficult, he said he should be greeted with a kiss and a cuddle rather than moaning 😩 I feel terrible, I honestly thought this was just how it was with such young children, am I a bad person? Part of me thinks I should walk away.

OP posts:
Candlescuddlesandpizza · 22/06/2022 09:47

It's just m possible to say from your post if anyone is in the right/wrong.

Sometimes when you've had poor mental health then people will use this against you even when you've got a valid point but it's impossible to judge from your post.

TryThisItHelps · 22/06/2022 09:53

It’s not clear how he’s treating you now.

How does he throw it in your face? How often does he criticise you? Is he lazy around the house and with DC? Are you expected to do everything or mostly everything?

Your previous difficulties may have masked his crap habits.

worraliberty · 22/06/2022 09:54

It's hard to say because your thread title is quite manipulative to be honest. It makes people want to automatically say "No, you're not a bad person at all".

I have no idea if you are, but your behaviour was in the example you gave.

If I came home and my DH 'went 100mph at me', as soon as I walked through the door after a long hot day at work, I wouldn't be best pleased either.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/06/2022 09:56

You sound like a stressed and mentally unwell person rather than a bad person. He sounds exhausted with having had to carry the brunt of your emotions and behaviour arising out of that for so long. Yes, many people do lose sight of their relationship and take their partner for granted when they have a young child - bit that doesn’t make it normal or healthy or good for the relationship.

Would you both consider couples counselling to support you in communicating better and explaining your needs to each other?

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 10:05

I had had a difficult day with the kids, surely he can’t expect it to be kisses and cuddles when he walks through the door every night?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 10:07

he is lazy around the house, most things are left to me. He struggles even waking up in the morning, I am not trying to defend myself at all because I know what I have put him through has been tough, but it hasn’t been easy for me either.

OP posts:
TempName01 · 22/06/2022 10:19

Hang on, he sounds like he is not supporting you at all, is it him that is telling you that you are obsessive compulsive when you simply want him to pull his weight in regards to the tidying and cleaning? You are ‘nagging’ him to clean up after himself?

Ponoka7 · 22/06/2022 10:22

How much affection do you show each other generally? Rather than look for who's right and wrong, have a conversation on what you both need.

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 10:28

We have such a good relationship when We get on, until it comes to Saturday when I am up at 6 with the kids, come down make breakfast, change nappies etc, I have done all that before he even thinks about getting up. He says you okay to your strength and he can’t just ‘get up’ like I can.

I really need to know if this is me, I absolutely hate the thought of nagging him.I had a go the other day because I made tea and went to bed because DS woke up and all the dishes were still on the side/on top of the dishwasher and then tells me he was tired and if he was working from home the next day he would do it (I WFH currently so I had to do it)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 10:28

He gets to do whatever he likes too, he goes to gigs, plays sport 3 times a week I’m not an ogre.

OP posts:
TooGood2BeFalse · 22/06/2022 10:32

Kinda sounds like you've already made your mind up he's in the wrong

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/06/2022 10:34

Well there is many many options between kisses and cuddles and a full on 100% as soon as he opens the door. We usually say something along the lines of
hi how's your day been,?
Good/bad how's yours been
Then we say why. Not just launch into a full on rant

KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 22/06/2022 10:38

worraliberty · 22/06/2022 09:54

It's hard to say because your thread title is quite manipulative to be honest. It makes people want to automatically say "No, you're not a bad person at all".

I have no idea if you are, but your behaviour was in the example you gave.

If I came home and my DH 'went 100mph at me', as soon as I walked through the door after a long hot day at work, I wouldn't be best pleased either.

Good post.

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 10:40

I really wanted your opinion, I just don’t know

OP posts:
JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 10:49

It's too difficult to say who's right & who's wrong from such little information.

I think there are ways you could both improve & be more tolerant as well.

leaving is NOT the solution though.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 22/06/2022 10:58

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 10:05

I had had a difficult day with the kids, surely he can’t expect it to be kisses and cuddles when he walks through the door every night?

But is it ANY night? Or is it typically a barrage of what’s gone wrong that day and what you need him to do?

You say he’s adapted to your OCD - but have you done anything to adapt to the fact that he doesn’t have OCD? Like the washing up example; some people just aren’t that fussed if the washing up isn’t done immediately, or even before bed. Is he really lazy, or is it ‘But I need it done nowwwww!!!’?

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:02

It’s every night really, it’s the fact that he actually thought to himself that I am WFM the next day so I should do it?

OP posts:
thecurtainsofdestiny · 22/06/2022 11:07

You are not a bad person and it does sound like he could be doing more practically, from what you have said.

However one thing I have learned (30 years marriage) is that launching into my angst of the day as soon as he comes in the door isn't great for our relationship. It's better to allow him some breathing space, to settle a bit from the stresses of his day, and talk about things later.

When I was working more hours than him in a stressful job, I appreciated him doing the same for me.

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 11:10

I think that if your relationship is making you feel like you might be a bad person, it's an unhealthy relationship, regardless of who is right or wrong.

Why do you need to assign blame to one or the other of you? What would you do if you realised it was your fault? What would you do if you realised it was his fault?

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 11:10

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 10:05

I had had a difficult day with the kids, surely he can’t expect it to be kisses and cuddles when he walks through the door every night?

Why not, it only takes a couple of seconds?

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:12

But why should I when he doesn’t do anything to help me 😢 it makes me not want to.

OP posts:
Shedcity · 22/06/2022 11:17

Do you have ocd diagnosed or does he just tell you you have because you want the dishes in the dishwasher at night and you’re nagging him

or are you saying he stood by you with ocd (not your fault) so now you have to stick by him being lazy? (Definitely his fault)

or that you can’t tell if what you’re asking (chores around the house cleaning etc) is reasonable because you have ocd

I’m not really sure how the two things you’re mentioning are connected

the answer to most of them is to talk to him, and he should 100% be doing more

the massive red flag is you saying your relationship is great when you get on
I’ve never heard anyone in a healthy relationship say that

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 11:36

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:12

But why should I when he doesn’t do anything to help me 😢 it makes me not want to.

Is he not working to support the family?

Also, you are referring to your children as “my”, not “our”, are they not his? Maybe it shouldn’t make a difference, but if he’s supporting you and someone else’s children then that’s definitely him doing something to help you.

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:36

I know the relationship isn’t healthy, I am unhappy because I don’t want to moan. He says I can’t stay happy for long before I am moaning again. He said last night that he is good at everything where as I am only good at. The things I put my mind to at that time, why? What is the point in saying that? To make me feel shit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:39

We both work, grantee he earns more than me, I do the nursery/breakfast club run, get them dressed etc he just gets up and goes (he has to leave earlier) , I am exhausted most days, he only puts the washer on when it is his football kit.

OP posts:
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