Am I a bad person?

[Ohhellyeah]

Posting in AIBU for the amount of traffic as this is really playing on my mind. It is a very long story so I will try and narrow it down.

since being very young I have struggled with my mental health, worried and focused on various things through out my life, sometimes debilitating. My DH has stuck by me through about 3 very serious episodes of OCD where I wasn’t a functioning human. I can only imagine how hard it was for him and if I am being honest, if it was the other way round, I would have walked. He didn’t, he stayed obviously and I am very grateful for that.

after my second DC was born it all came to a head and I finally got some real help, I have had therapy and been on medication for the past 2 years, I honestly feel free and can now look back and see how poorly I actually was.

the thing is, my DH has understandably adapted to the OCD and I am finding our relationship very difficult. I feel like it is constantly thrown in my face. He is a lovely guy but extremely chilled out, I feel like I am Constantly nagging him 😢 he came home yesterday and I was 100mph at him as my son was being very difficult, he said he should be greeted with a kiss and a cuddle rather than moaning 😩 I feel terrible, I honestly thought this was just how it was with such young children, am I a bad person? Part of me thinks I should walk away.

OK. So why do you want to have a relationship with someone you don't respect? You can't love him (love is like the pinnacle of respect, so it can't exist without respect), and he's hindering rather than helping your daily life.

Why put yourself and your kids through it?

I need to know I am doing the right thing, it is a big decision to make isn’t it.

It's a big decision, but what more do you need? You don't respect him. Game over. You'll make yourself and your kids unhappy, ongoing, if you try to maintain a life with someone you don't respect. It'll just be conflict after conflict, with no resolution.

You’d suggested earlier that he’d supported you for a prolonged period through your mental health issues, that sounds like something worthy of at least a bit of respect.

You don’t respect him
you don’t love him
it doesn’t sound like he’s kind to you or helps you or even supports you
it sounds like he actively sabotages you

it is a big decision, but you’ve not said any reason to stay yet except it’s a big decision.

@FemmeNatal He stayed with me but I wouldn’t say he was the one who helped me get through it.

I had really bad post natal OCD after my last baby, he actually said he was going to leave, which is fine but I couldn’t process it at that time as I was too busy trying to get myself well for the kids and myself

If I am being honest, what I went through after my last baby mentally was terrifying, I can’t even believe I pulled through. If I can get through that I can get through anything.

Your mental health will be much improved if you get away from anybody who makes you feel less valued than you want to be. By staying with him, you are essentially opting to be undervalued. You are opting to be pissed off. You are opting to be disrespected. That would shoot anyone's mental health.

Value and respect yourself first. Then choose people who match you in that; people who value and respect you. You'll be a lot more settled.

I agree your mental health will improve if you aren't tiptoeing around someone.

I'm convinced a lot of women are diagnosed with mental health issues because their partners are not. Men seem to outsource their suffering to others.

Can I be right about him even though people on the outside say he is a really nice guy?

What you believe to be true is your truth. This is a massive concept. It will help hugely with mental health issues, if you can get your head around it.

Nobody's belief in what the truth is is more valid than yours. If everybody has been in the same place at the same time, and you saw a UFO when nobody else did, then you saw a UFO, and nobody can debate that.

Then there's your opinion. If everybody saw the same person at the same time, and thought the person was handsome, but you didn't, then nobody can argue with you that you saw a handsome person. It's subjective.

Firstly, in your situation, everybody isn't seeing the same thing as you. Secondly, people might have different opinions on what is 'ok' behaviour, and what is not.

What would it mean to you if you were 'wrong' about him? What do you fear? That you are not able to judge people well? That you have 'victim mentality'? That people will say you're crazy? It will all link back to something in your childhood... there'll be someone you really didn't like, but you felt like you were supposed to like them, otherwise there'd be a consequence.

Ultimately, the question is, do you think you're sane? Because if you do, and you have faith in that, then you wouldn't go about forming insane opinions about people.

One other thing... is there anybody else you don't trust your opinion of, or is it just him? If it's just him, you can easily see where the toxicity lies.