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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad person?

62 replies

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 09:32

Posting in AIBU for the amount of traffic as this is really playing on my mind. It is a very long story so I will try and narrow it down.

since being very young I have struggled with my mental health, worried and focused on various things through out my life, sometimes debilitating. My DH has stuck by me through about 3 very serious episodes of OCD where I wasn’t a functioning human. I can only imagine how hard it was for him and if I am being honest, if it was the other way round, I would have walked. He didn’t, he stayed obviously and I am very grateful for that.

after my second DC was born it all came to a head and I finally got some real help, I have had therapy and been on medication for the past 2 years, I honestly feel free and can now look back and see how poorly I actually was.

the thing is, my DH has understandably adapted to the OCD and I am finding our relationship very difficult. I feel like it is constantly thrown in my face. He is a lovely guy but extremely chilled out, I feel like I am Constantly nagging him 😢 he came home yesterday and I was 100mph at him as my son was being very difficult, he said he should be greeted with a kiss and a cuddle rather than moaning 😩 I feel terrible, I honestly thought this was just how it was with such young children, am I a bad person? Part of me thinks I should walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:41

They feel like my kids as he is just a play mate, I make their meals, sort out their clothes, bath them, take and pick them up from school/nursery, discipline them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:43

Yes I was diagnosed with OCD

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 11:47

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 11:36

I know the relationship isn’t healthy, I am unhappy because I don’t want to moan. He says I can’t stay happy for long before I am moaning again. He said last night that he is good at everything where as I am only good at. The things I put my mind to at that time, why? What is the point in saying that? To make me feel shit?

Yes, he wants to put you down.

If you realise that the relationship isn't healthy, why aren't you leaving?

picklemewalnuts · 22/06/2022 11:47

I think you've confused this with lots of issues.

Start again. Is the problem that he doesn't pull his weight around the house? If so, give us an idea what you each do. If you both work full time and you do all the DC and house on top, then he's being unreasonable regardless of your history of OCD.

Shedcity · 22/06/2022 11:57

The ocd is irrelevant then
it sounds like you’re saying you owe him his poor behaviour because you have ocd

nope.

also it doesn’t really sound like he is very nice and supportive
and he does no child or house work. So I’m not sure what he’s contributing since you also work.
yes he earns more but so could you if you didn’t have to look after children and could be less exhausted / work more hours. You are enabling him to earn that money.

he either stops putting you down and starts helping or you consider if this is where you want to be

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 12:41

Ok so I work 3 days and he works 5, on my days in work and when I am out of work I do everything, get uniforms ready, nursery bags, clean the house, make the tea, he sometimes bios to the shops in an evening on his way home from work. He gets to do everything he wants, last Saturday he went to play football which took 5 hours, the week before he was at a gig, I don’t grumble. It takes him at least 2 hours to move off the sofa on a Sunday, he goes the easiest way around everything and his attitude to that is don’t work hard work smart. I find him so arrogant sometimes.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 12:47

So basically he does nothing around the house and you do everything. And then he wants you to be happy because he doesn't want to see a grumpy face?

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 12:58

When our first child was born it was such a difficult time, he was putting so many hours in at work (working until 9pm) I felt so alone, he never once helped me in the night (says he just can’t get up for some reason) I witnessed him once bring the baby downstairs and put her in the bouncer and just fell asleep on the sofa, he left and moved into his mums briefly as it was just awful, we couldn’t find a middle ground at all. He couldn’t cope with the pressure from work and I was struggling on my own as a first time mum. I think a lot of resentment has built on my part too.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 12:59

I think a lot of resentment has built on my part too

And do you think that's justified?

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:00

I do personally yes, I just don’t know if it should be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:03

He is such a nice guy and everybody loves him it seems, why feel the need to put me down though? Would a nice person do that? I know for sure people who we know like his friends etc would see me as the bitch but they don’t have to put up with his laziness.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 13:03

And who is it that tells you if your feelings are justified or not?

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:04

Me, but what if it is all me 😢

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 13:04

Outsiders can see you however they want. People who turn against you and don't want to respect your viewpoint are best left behind anyway.

No, a nice person wouldn't put you down.

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 13:07

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:04

Me, but what if it is all me 😢

What do you mean? What if he's perfect and there's something wrong with you that makes you whinge?

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/06/2022 13:07

Rather than waste time and energy trying to establish who’s the person in all of this, why not do both of you and the poor DC who have to live in this miserable environment a favour and separate? You’d both be much happier apart: you’d probably find a lot of your more difficult behaviours disappear when you aren’t fighting with him all the time, and he’d likely be a much better parent, too.

GreatStuff67 · 22/06/2022 13:09

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:03

He is such a nice guy and everybody loves him it seems, why feel the need to put me down though? Would a nice person do that? I know for sure people who we know like his friends etc would see me as the bitch but they don’t have to put up with his laziness.

From what you've said before no, he's not a nice guy.

picklemewalnuts · 22/06/2022 13:13

I think you may benefit from counselling. I think you may have lost track of who you are, under the relentless barrage of parenting and home keeping, alongside work.

In the meantime, tell him that if he's going to football this weekend, next weekend you'll go out instead.

It's possible he's undermining you at every opportunity, so he gets away without pulling his weight.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 22/06/2022 13:22

OP. I'm going to ask something kindly okay.

Have you ever been assessed for ASD/ADHD? These conditions are often overlooked by OCD and anxiety - you said in your post that you've often focused on things in your life that can be debilitating. I only ask because I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year after exhibiting similar issues.

Your husband sounds like he's put up with a lot over the years and you do say that he is very supportive otherwise. I definitely don't think you are a bad person, from what you've written. Be kind to yourself x

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:28

Everyone I know says I am the most poised l person they know. I do have a lot of patience but I am getting so sick of him. I would never shout in front of the kids etc I just asked why he couldn’t get nappies.

I asked him why he felt the need to say what he said about him being good at everything and he said, dunno, just something to chat about. Really?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:36

He also has a football game this Saturday, he told me that having a football game isn’t having something planned, but surely if he is put of the house for 5 hours for the past 3 Saturdays that stops me from having free time too, he doesn’t see that though?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 22/06/2022 13:36

So in what ways is he supportive?

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 13:37

Doesn't sound like you respect him very much, OP. Doesn't sound like there's much to respect.

Do you respect him?

picklemewalnuts · 22/06/2022 13:38

Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:36

He also has a football game this Saturday, he told me that having a football game isn’t having something planned, but surely if he is put of the house for 5 hours for the past 3 Saturdays that stops me from having free time too, he doesn’t see that though?

So your reply is 'great, you do unplanned things on Saturdays, and I'll do unplanned things on sundays. That way we can both organise ourselves with some child free time.'

Original poster
Ohhellyeah · 22/06/2022 13:43

I don’t think I do respect him, why should I? I don’t even think I am expecting much from him.

OP posts: