For resenting my partner?

[Rjay2002]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I am a mum of 5 children aged 20, 13, 13, 12 and 4. Of which 3 from my previous marriage, my partners 13 year old Son from his previous marriage and our four year old (starts sch in sept) we have had together. I don’t work but I’d like to. I feel resentful that my partner works all day (as a builder) and comes home to dinner, washing done, kids taken care of etc… the problem is before we moved in together I made it clear that I didn’t want any more children and I didn’t need the extra work load of him and his child. I was working happily at the time. I was some how talked into having our youngest who I love dearly but Ive ended up in the place again where I didn’t want to be. Stay at home mum drowning in chores. Im 42 and I thought I’d be working, continuing with my career and children becoming independent. Instead, I feel so bogged down and depressed with being an extremely busy stay at home mum that there is no time or way for me to work looking after the six of them. It’s 3am - Im currently downstairs so we don’t wake daddy with our dd who is suffering from the itchy stage of chicken pox 😩😭
crying 😢

But you decided to have another child. Your other half is a builder, not a job generally available part time.

On the bright side, your youngest starts school in September and most schools have wrap around care.plus your other dcs are old enough to not need you every minute.

I'd start allocating chores now. Get them used to doing their own washing and cooking simple meals over the summer. Then start looking for a job.

You were not somehow talked into having another child. You had 3 already so you knew exactly what to expect, so at least take responsibility for your part in that choice. And you also knew your partners job so you knew what life was like. Your youngest should be going into FT school soon, the rest of the children are well old enough to be getting on without needing there to be a sahp. Why aren't any of them contributing to chores and helping around the house? The ages of your kids gives you alot of opportunity to get back into working or whatever you want to be doing.

Was there a particular reason you didn't return to work after maternity leave and use childcare? Is that an option now?

Can you cut back on chores?
Wash sheets and towels less often, simplify meals? (Baked potatoes anyone?), tell everyone you need to work and they must muck in.

With respect if you didn't want another child why did you get pregnant? Your older children are quite capable of doing chores. Your youngest soon to start school so ideal time to get back to work! I don't see any reason for resentment towards husband here

Well, four of the five are old enough to be doing chores around the house, and the youngest is almost school age.

It's relentless OP.

For your remaining sanity, have you now made arrangements re birth control?

I have 5 kids myself, and the 4 eldest, as the youngest is only 17 months, all chip in and do housework. They earn points on a board and at the end of the week, we tally them up

Sorry posted too quickly.
We tally the points up, and the kids win treats or pocket money or a new game for the play station or an outing etc.

Your 20, 13 and 13 and 12 can easily help out.
Why are they not even helping with hoovering the stairs or something.

Here is an example, One of my kids does the mopping and sweeping of the kitchen, whilst the other wipes down the worktops, cooker and front of cupboards, whilst the other loads the washer and washes up. They all have to help because 1, I hate mess and 2, kids are very messy. And 3 , I believe kids should help and I wish I had done more for my mother. She did everything and rarely asked me for anything. Even the 4 year old can help pack away toys and books etc.

If you want a job get a job. There's nothing in your post that suggests why you can't.

12, 13 and 20 year olds should be doing their own washing and making simple meals. I find it extraordinary that you’re saying you had your 4 year old only because your dp made you!

Absolutely! Is your 20 Yr old working, studying? If dp and the eldest 4 are out of the home most of the day, most of the week, what exactly are you having to do that's so awful and time consuming with regards to taking care of them that you weren't doing 5 years ago when working?

You are in the situation because you allowed it.
So turn it around and get a job for September.

What job did you do between the 12 year old and the 5 year old? Can you go back to that?

You weren’t convinced to have another baby, you also chose it. But how did you end up as a sahp if you didn’t want to be one?

You wanted to get your career back so that must have featured in the conversation around having the youngest, so why didn’t things happen how you planned them?

I am 40. My dp has no kids, I made it clear when we met I wasn’t having anymore and if at any point he wants a child, I will wish him well and walk away. I don’t want to stop him having kids, but I won’t be ‘somehow convinced’ to have another as I don’t want one. Certainly wouldn’t be ‘somehow convinced’ to give up my career and be a sahp at this point.

I also don’t understand your desire to take no responsibility for your decision to have another child. That was a decision you took. You are here through your own choice. You knew exactly what would occur if you had another. You were already caring for five.

due to the ages, like other posters, I also fail to understand why you can’t get a job. You only need childcare for the youngest.

20 is not a child!!!
12 and 13 can clean and tidy up and do washing
Your 4 year old was a joint decision and will be in school soon
Nothing stopping you going back to work

Why are you looking after 6 people? Your adult dc and your DH presumably look after themselves? And the other older kids should be reasonably self sufficient by their age. The four year will obviously need a lot of care but you chose to have either child so presumably you were expecting this. Is there any reason why you haven't gone back to work yet if that's what you want to do?

You weren't talked into having a baby - you already had children, so you are fully aware of the means to create another one. You can't blame your partner for that.
If you'd like to work, September is your opportunity. He's not actually done anything wrong apart from work to provide for you all.

“12, 13 and 20 year olds should be doing their own washing and making simple meals. I find it extraordinary that you’re saying you had your 4 year old only because your dp made you!”

^This

He didn't force you to have the 4 year old at all. You must of agreed because otherwise you could of stayed on birth control, had an abortion etc. etc.

You knew exactly what you was getting into I'm afraid. Why can't you go back to work? 4 year old will be starting school this year won't they?

Is the 20 year old a student?

Op it probably feels a bit shit to hear people point out that you were part of these decisions and shoulder at least half of responsibility for these decisions.

But its about reframing it. When things happen to us, it’s easy to get resentful at those involved. Its, also, easy to view a situation as though it happened to you, rather than reviewing the situation and taking some accountability for where you are. But then, that also leads to resentment.

When you can acknowledge YOUR part, in the decision making, YOUR part in where you are, realise that YOUR choices (mainly) led you here, then you realise that YOU can change it.

You aren’t a feather being blown around in the wind, with no agency of your own. You are an active participant in your own life. If you don’t like your life, change it. From your op it sounds like you resent your partner because of choices you made.

My kids are 18 and 11 and I work full time and have a partner. We don’t have as many people in our home. But only one of yours is very young. You shouldn’t be drowning in chores. All the rest can do plenty for themselves and there’s another adult present. You partner works, so won’t be doing as much. But between the oldest 4, him and you no one should be drowning in chores.

Most of you are right, I most definitely was not forced into having another child. Maybe I should rephrase my comment. My partner was an amazing hands on Dad whilst we were dating, It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He did also know I didn’t want more children. I do feel after we moved in together he pushed his desire to have another for a very long time. I suppose wore me down. Relationships need compromise in order to work and I wanted him to be happy. So I agreed. I do feel he leaves it up to me to do dinner (the only family time we all sit together and chat). He wouldn’t be pleased with the likes of jacket potato…I am also not sure of letting the boys loose in the kitchen each night. I do all partners business accounting, all the house financing too. Bedtimes, bathtimes, disciplining are also left to me.

I have a rota , revamped today so the middle boys can help more. Yes my 20 yr old is at uni and treats the house like a hotel - coming and going. The 4 year old does go to nursery 3 days a week until 12.30.
I did go back to work and paid for extra childcare but apart from not actually earning a reasonable amount after this, my offices moved whilst I was on Mat leave and now it’s a 2 hour round trip. I was even more stressed as nothing was done at home. The boys finish school at different times 3 times a week due to the sports teams they on. Not to mention step parenting issues, dealing with ex’s and pre teen behaviour in general. I do plan on working in September and already have the wheels in motion for that.
sometimes I feel stretched/stressed it brings me to tears and in the early hours of this morning sitting in a messy living room I needed to vent. Next time I won’t come on here looking for support or encouragement- It sounds like your children are angels 😇

You've been given advice, you've vented.
I just don't know what you want anyone to say, op?
You chose to have another child and a blended family. Your Dh is working to support you all. You eldest kids need to pull their weight - but overall what do you actually want/expect?

There are 6 of you old enough to be doing some cooking, which means realistically you only need to be doing dinner 1-2 nights a week (and some supervising of the 12-13 year olds until they build up a repertoire of meals they are confident cooking). Your DH can do a weekend meal if he comes home too late during the week. And no one gets to complain about whats made. So if you choose jacket potatoes and your DH doesnt like it, well he gets chance to do something he does like on his night of the week.

This will help your children grow into confident cooks and take a task off you which will help.

Who did your DH's paperwork before you got together with him? I used to work with a lot of women married to tradesmen and they all ended up with a second job doing their DH's paperwork. This is why I discourage my DH from going self employed because I have no time to be doing his paperwork and I know he wouldn't do it. In your case though your DH must have done it himself before he got together with you so give it back to him to do.

Get everyone in the house (including DH) to do a couple of hours cleaning at the weekend, everyone gets a room each and it gets cleaned. Also encourage the children to have a day each where they strip their bed and put their bedding on to wash etc. They are old enough to learn what it takes to run a house without being overwhelmed by these chores, and the benefit of everyone house cleaning at once is no one feels like they are doing an unfair amount compared to other people. The four year old can be given simple tasks like organising their toys, pairing socks (stuff that keeps them engaged and out of the way rather than necessarily helping)