For resenting my partner?

[Rjay2002]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I am a mum of 5 children aged 20, 13, 13, 12 and 4. Of which 3 from my previous marriage, my partners 13 year old Son from his previous marriage and our four year old (starts sch in sept) we have had together. I don’t work but I’d like to. I feel resentful that my partner works all day (as a builder) and comes home to dinner, washing done, kids taken care of etc… the problem is before we moved in together I made it clear that I didn’t want any more children and I didn’t need the extra work load of him and his child. I was working happily at the time. I was some how talked into having our youngest who I love dearly but Ive ended up in the place again where I didn’t want to be. Stay at home mum drowning in chores. Im 42 and I thought I’d be working, continuing with my career and children becoming independent. Instead, I feel so bogged down and depressed with being an extremely busy stay at home mum that there is no time or way for me to work looking after the six of them. It’s 3am - Im currently downstairs so we don’t wake daddy with our dd who is suffering from the itchy stage of chicken pox 😩😭
crying 😢

if you are looking for people to say ‘oh you poor thing. Yes, you are right to resent him. It’s all his fault.’ Then no, it’s not the place for you.

you are still pushing the ‘I had a child to make him happy and relationship need compromise’. I don’t believe you got you your late 30s without realising kids aren’t somewhere you can compromise on. Or that no one should have kids they don’t want. Or that it’s not compromise if it’s really something you don’t want and is going to, a disproportionately impact you.

Its quite clear, you had another child, because you also wanted another child.

Resenting him because he does very little is absolutely normal. I don’t know what hours he works or how much he does at weekends, but I can understand that resentment, if he could do more and does not.

But again, going back to the fact that you are an active person in your own life, why have you accepted that?

Surely the teens can get themselves to and from school. Or they all wait for one pick up.

and no one said their kids were perfect. My 18 year old, doesn’t do her own washing or cook meals because she was just born that way. She has been shown how to cook, how the house is all our responsibility. It also does make her perfect. Ds knows his room is his responsibility, he knows how to use the washing machine because he has been shown. He knows what the dogs need, because he has been taught. Again, not perfect. I work more hours than dp and we all chip in. Dp probably doing a bit more than me, then the kids.

Family finances, food shopping etc is what every family does. If you feel over whelmed you need to start changing things. Things won’t change while you just carry on as usual because Mumsnet agreed with you.

But at no point does that make anyone perfect. Nor has anyone suggested they or their partner or their kids are perfect.

I do feel he leaves it up to me to do dinner (the only family time we all sit together and chat). He wouldn’t be pleased with the likes of jacket potato…I am also not sure of letting the boys loose in the kitchen each night. I do all partners business accounting, all the house financing too. Bedtimes, bathtimes, disciplining are also left to me.

Well he can take responsibility for his own business - considering you're not getting a wage for doing his job for him.

He can also step up and do his share of the parenting.

If you're not willing to let your children learn to help, you're going to be in this position for at least another 15 years.

Does your partner know how you feel?

I’m sorry you feel you are struggling and that life is getting on top of you.

However, I do wonder if you’re not doing the older kids any favours by doing everything for them. They really need to learn life skills and do more to help out.

My DH was one of 4 and his mum certainly had them doing all their own laundry and helping with the housework from early teens. Obviously the little one is too young.

Your DH has a busy, physical job, so I can see why he’s not doing as much at home, as you are a SAHM. But is the resentment more about how you’d like to be at work, doing something for yourself, rather than being stuck at home?

If you had a salary coming in you could probably afford a cleaner to help make life easier.

If you go back to work everyone will just adjust, so why not start looking for a job?

Well I feel very sorry for you.

You were sucked in by someone who has rightly put you in a place where you are skivvy and au pair, and now he doesn't help and is fussy about food.

What a peach.

All these men pushing for children are to make women stuck and unfortunately you fell for it.

I think you need to stand up for yourself more or this is your life.

Doing everything for a family of 7 is not fun.

You need to sit down and reframe your expectations of everyone.

Stop doing anything except the simplest of dinners.
Complaints?
Let them make themselves sandwiches.

Stop doing their laundry.

Stop buying any treats whatsoever.

You need to start making better decisions if you wa your life to improve.

Your 20 year old uses the house as a hotel?
Only if you allow it.

No one is saying our children are angels. Posters were merely posting the obvious - you decided to have another child, and what comes with it.

i would make the older ones do more chores, im
trying to get my 8 year old to help as much as she can. Good luck.

Sympathies OP.
but if he is a DP not DH and he holds all the assets here (and you are working unpaid for the business) you’re in a very precarious financial position. You would be much better off with a paid job and using childcare

There are 6 people in your household who are old enough to do chores. You work out a rota and everyone does half an hour a day.

Partners business administration can revert to whoever did it before you became involved.

Oldest cannot be allowed to treat your home as a hotel.

(Pre-)Teens need to be encouraged to become independent.

Even the little one is old enough to tidy his own toys.

Having a baby you don’t want isn’t a “compromise”!

Time to toughen up.

Different school finish times for 13/13/12? Tough luck. They walk, bus or bike home, or they can’t go. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Boyfriend isn’t satisfied with a jacket potato? He knows where the kitchen is 🤷🏻‍♀️
Full time child care for the youngest, wrap around care from September school, go back to work now.

“Partners business administration can revert to whoever did it before you became involved.”

Indeed. “Sorry love, I didn’t have time to do your invoices today. I would have done if iI hadn’t been a prick about wanting a pie instead of a jacket potato though.”

You are making a lot of choices here.

Hi op .I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here tbh.5 dc of different ages is a task in itself. Many women when faced with a partner who wants more dc will "have just one " to keep their hubby happy. Reality is a bit different of course! As far as returning to work is concerned bit of a juggling act ,as you say when you were working prev .your 4 year old starts school in September, however school holidays and so on mean you need to arrange care for those times.maybe see whats about. You could use the time to do a course, or simply catch your breath .life is something that happens while you are busy making plans ,as they say!

I wouldn't be doing free work for his business and I also wouldn't be running a restaurant. It's good you've got some time when the wee one is at nursery though, could you use this time to batch cook?

Relationships need compromise in order to work and I wanted him to be happy

That was your reason for having a baby? Your husband already knew you didn't want more children. Didn’t he want you to be happy?

What the hell? Are you getting paid to do all his paperwork?? Are you a director of his company?

Also, this rang massive alarm bells for me:
He wouldn’t be pleased with the likes of jacket potato…I am also not sure of letting the boys loose in the kitchen each night.

1. He wouldn't be pleased. Ok then he needs to cook himself or support you better to have time to cook lavish meals if that's what he wants. So you should be betting PAID for doing his accounts and bookeeping!

1. Letting the boys loose...? Do you not want them to grow up knowing how to cook? You are setting them up to be sexist entitled men (sounding like your husband tbh). They need to be cooking and fully comfortable in the kitchen. I pity their future girlfriends and partners otherwise.

You’re being a bit of a martyr OP. Stop doing your partners paperwork for god sake, he can do it himself. If the only thing he does to contribute is work, then he can at least do 100% of his job himself FFS. He also needs to be responsible for HIS child, you’re not a free nanny just because he got you pregnant, and you’re not even married from the sounds of it so all you’re doing is helping him build his own career at the expense of your own.

There is also zero reason why he can’t cook at least at the weekends, stand up for yourself for god sake, you’re not his skivvy. The 20 year old should also be cooking, cleaning, doing washing etc, they’re not a child.

Start looking for a job too - again, it’s not your job to pick HIS child up from school, especially if they’re at a different school to yours, so don’t even factor that into your working hours.

Seriously OP, don’t waste your life on serving others, find your back bone and remember you’re just as important as everyone else in the house, you’re wants and needs are just as important.

Well he can take responsibility for his own business - considering you're not getting a wage for doing his job for him.

Um, the business is paying for her and her four children to live.

But of course all the SAHMs on here will say "life admin" is much harder than working full time as a builder so he should pay for them all plus come home, cook dinner, and clean the house.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave but she is propping up his business and enabling him to work by doing his books! That's not "life admin", that's his business! She's not getting paid or it soon out from it and isn't even married so is just suring him up at the expense of her own career prospects.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave
Typo - she's not being paid for it or getting a pension pot out of doing his bookeeping.

DutchAddie Yes, being a SAHM without being married is foolish in the extreme. But I'm responding to the posters suggesting she shouldn't contribute to the business because she gets nothing out of it. Nothing except a paid-for house, bills, and food...

Well by that logic he can step the fuck up and start contributing more around the house, seeing as he benefits from it (including, let’s not forget, the fact that she’s providing FREE childcare for HIS child).

What 3 things would make your life easier?

Well by that logic he can step the fuck up and start contributing more around the house, seeing as he benefits from it (including, let’s not forget, the fact that she’s providing FREE childcare for HIS child).

He pays for them all, including OP's three kids, not to be homeless and starving. Sounds like quite enough.

I expect he was so keen to have a baby to keep you trapped in the house and he's got what he wanted. He's opted out of family and home life and you're doing it all plus supporting his business and his children and you're very vulnerable with no income. He holds all the power - how has this happened?

Ahh yes, throw money around and it absolves you of having to parent your own child or ever cook, but also entitles you to unpaid help with your business from the house skivvy 🤨

I grew up in a large family and at that age the older adults were able to put their feet up.. because the teens did a lot of the chores!

Have you missed the part where he also pays for 3 children who are NOT his?