For resenting my partner?

[Rjay2002]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I am a mum of 5 children aged 20, 13, 13, 12 and 4. Of which 3 from my previous marriage, my partners 13 year old Son from his previous marriage and our four year old (starts sch in sept) we have had together. I don’t work but I’d like to. I feel resentful that my partner works all day (as a builder) and comes home to dinner, washing done, kids taken care of etc… the problem is before we moved in together I made it clear that I didn’t want any more children and I didn’t need the extra work load of him and his child. I was working happily at the time. I was some how talked into having our youngest who I love dearly but Ive ended up in the place again where I didn’t want to be. Stay at home mum drowning in chores. Im 42 and I thought I’d be working, continuing with my career and children becoming independent. Instead, I feel so bogged down and depressed with being an extremely busy stay at home mum that there is no time or way for me to work looking after the six of them. It’s 3am - Im currently downstairs so we don’t wake daddy with our dd who is suffering from the itchy stage of chicken pox 😩😭
crying 😢

This. Sounds like a sweet deal for him - you do all the wifework plus the bookkeeping while he gets to throw his weight around and complain about baked potatoes.

Not impressed with him working - he'd presumably be working if he was still a single parent, and doing his own accounting or paying someone else to.

You've said you will look for work come September so that is the time for the accounting to revert to whatever arrangement he had before you came along. You are working now, you're just not getting paid for it. He won't like it but you have to break this pattern of doing things to keep him happy.

And?! OP would like to work too, you know, like she was before. I don’t know why you think him paying means he has to do fuck all else and is entitled to a free nanny, accountant and maid?

I think there are a couple of entitled men on this thread

It's very easy to sort this, but you won't. You're making this difficult on yourself deliberately.

1. Make your older children and partner do housework. No reason they can't, you've already started with the kids, include the adult.

1. Make easy meals if you don't have time. If he doesn't like baked potato, he can get up off his useless ass and make dinner himself then can't he?

1. Get a job you want.

1. Stop doing his accounting etc for him. He is a big boy, he's not a moron, he can do it himself.

You won't do it though. You'll just carry on, but you can solve this.

I'm honestly concerned that you're 42 and have been out of the job loop for what seems like a long time yet are unmarried? So if he left you tomorrow, you'd have no financial back up for the years you've been taking care of your youngest, the lack of income, lack of pension and potential loss of career progression?

Is he just a boyfriend? What legal protections have you put in place? Who owns the house? Have you been paying in to a pension while you’ve been unemployed?

You’ve chosen to put yourself in a precarious position, being dependent on a boyfriend, you’ve chosen to have zero legal protections, you urgently need to get employment. Boyfriend and kids need to function as household members and not useless misogynists.

Not impressed with him working - he'd presumably be working if he was still a single parent, and doing his own accounting or paying someone else to.

If he were still a single parent, he'd only be supporting two people. If you're a stay-at-home parent, the vast majority of the housework, cleaning, and childcare (such as it - only one child really needs care) falls to you. In the OP's situation, there are three children who should be doing a lot more around the house. The partner is working and supporting all of them, he's not the first one who needs to step up and help if there is an adult child, two teens, and a pre-teen who are doing nothing.

The older ones should be performing chores like their laundry, occasional vacuuming/chores and each one should be fully capable at their ages to be able to cook a meal once a week, that’s just bare minimum parenting, but the vast majority of household labour should be performed by the adults who chose to have all these kids.

C'mon OP, less martyrdom and more big girl pants!

And if she was a single parent she would still be working and providing for her 3, wouldn’t be spending her time doing someone else’s books for free, cleaning, cooking and providing child care for a grown man and his child and would be able to have a jacket potato for dinner if that’s what she wanted.

He’s financially supporting everyone because HE pushed for another child, that was his choice. Whereas, OP doesn’t want to be a SAHM, does that matter at all, or is it all about what he wants?

I agree the older children should be doing more around the house. But by doing the accounting for the business OP is helping to provide for all the children, as the business couldn't function without her contribution, so her DP isn't doing everything single-handed. At the moment her labour is unpaid, so it's not valued or respected in the way that it would be if she were doing the exact same work for someone else's business.

So that means two people making one salary as it takes too much time for her to be able to get her own job. That's not 'life admin', that's literally him not running his own business.

I've been there op and I only have 2!!! I went on strike to prove a point .