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Original poster

Nephew and birthday present

88 replies

Wondog22 · 21/06/2022 14:37

Nephew is turning 6 soon and I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said he’d love a Nintendo Switch, all his friends have one but then said ‘Mummy and Daddy said we don’t have enough money’
Relayed the conversation back to DH and suggested we buy. DH thinks this is an awful idea and to buy him something else, we usually spend £50-£100 depending on what he want so obviously it’s more money than usual.
DH thinks no for several reasons 1. He thinks it’s undermining DB and DSIL, they’ve said no and we shouldn’t be buying it ‘behind their back’ 2. Thinks we’ll set a precedent with DN that we always buy expensive gifts
I think we should buy it because 1. We can comfortably afford it 2. It’s only money and I want my Nephew to have what he wants, it’s only the money aspect that is stopping me buying it , normally I’d just buy what he wants so why should I let that get in the way.

I did think about messaging DB and asking if we can buy it but DH thinks that’s even worse and I’d be drawing attention to the fact they can’t afford to buy it. My argument is surely they’d be happy that DS was getting what he wants and does it matter who it comes from?

DB is on my side of the family to be clear, so not DH relations (albeit close to them). Also no kids of our own yet so maybe I’m totally out of reality here.

Would you buy the Nintendo?

OP posts:
lucylooareyou · 21/06/2022 15:07

i think you'd be overstepping a boundary here, and potentially upsetting your DB/SIL. There is no real way that you could buy a £300 present and it not make your DB/SIL feel inadequate and guilty for not being able to afford it themselves.

Also, he's 6 - maybe they dont want him to have one at that age and be glued to a games console.

There is no real spin you can put on this without insulting adults, and pleasing a 6 year old who would be equally happy with a nerf gun.

motogirl · 21/06/2022 15:07

I would speak to the parents - if it's a genuine money issue you could offer to buy, I'm sure they would be pleased but if the money was an excuse they can tell you that also, that they feel he's too young etc. i was in the situation and I told my brother they weren't having games consoles until older

Original poster
Wondog22 · 21/06/2022 15:11

I’m not trying to buy a better present than his parents or make anyone feel rubbish.
I’d happily send it anonymously if that was feasible.
I know they haven’t bought him one, they’re really struggling (they’ve told me that, it’s not my assumption). And as far as I’m aware they’ve not said no they’ve said they can’t afford it.
I’ll either ask or find something else.

OP posts:
MeltorFreeze · 21/06/2022 15:12

In my view, technology is not something you should buy other people's children unless you have the express permission of the parents.
The child is 6.
You will not have to deal with the constant tantrums demanding to play.
He is 6.
This is absolutely it your decision to make.

You have to ask. You could go for DN mentioned this, but we think he's so young, would you want him to have one yet? Let us know when you think he's old enough and we'll put some money towards it (I wouldn't offer to buy it in the future! Circumstances may change, devices may change and prices may too.)

You really don't need to shower kids with expensive gifts. My DC's favourite gifts have been a weekend away with BIL, BIL taking them on horse riding experience,
MIL taking them to the theatre. They remember those, doubt they could pick out the Lego set or whatever they got before.

Elpheba · 21/06/2022 15:14

I think only parents should be buying tech for kids. They might not want him to have one full stop, they might have got it themselves, they might be suggesting he saves up etc. Definitely best to ask first or offer cash towards it but if they say no then listen.

supertedlasso · 21/06/2022 15:16

Are you sure they've not got him one but want to surprise him?

I spend too much on my nephews. It's really hard to undo it once you've started. Don't start it!

TiddleyWink · 21/06/2022 15:19

Wondog22 · 21/06/2022 14:45

@SandyWedges that’s what DH thinks , and I do understand I guess I’m just frustrated that we can afford it and he wants it but I don’t want to upset anyone so he’ll miss out. It’s a tricky one

Sorry to be blunt but I really don’t think it’s a tricky one at all. As evidenced by people immediately telling you your husband is absolutely right!

Its really not tricky to understand that you don’t undermine the struggling parents of a young child who isn’t yours, by buying them an expensive gift that you have no idea if the parents are even happy for him to have.

Do you have kids of your own? I think sometimes that provides a different perspective as it can be hard to place yourself in the parents’ position if you don’t. There are certain things that are just wildly inappropriate for anyone other than parents to do and buying expensive tech for a six year old is near the top of that list. I think you mean well but you really need to back off and observe appropriate boundaries with other peoples’ children.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 21/06/2022 15:20

Agree with all PP.

The other thing about the Switch is that you've got the console cost, but he will then want games (at £50 a pop), access to the Nintendo Store and online play (more cost). It's just not as simple as buying the console.

Do you have children yourself?

Bluetrews25 · 21/06/2022 15:23

Well if they can't afford it they can't afford the games for it either.
So you end up buying everything because you can, nephew gets a gift that his parents can't buy for him and the parents are made to feel really, really shit.
Unless you want to humiliate your DB and SIL, please don't do it.
This is the kind of thing that stings like hell when finance is tight but others think it's ok to be overgenerous without realising how it makes the recipient/recipient's parents feel.

SummerInSun · 21/06/2022 15:27

Just tell your brother that you asked DN what he wanted, he said a Switch, you would be happy to get it for him but wanted to check it is ok? Nothing embarrassing about that at all.

Personally there is no way I wanted my 6 year old to have one, and I could well imagine just saying "it's too expensive" to bat off the requests, rather than trying to explain all the more complicated reasons and risk him repeating those to other kids or parents. (Even though I don't want him to have a switch, I also don't want him to be the kid who says "my mum won't let me have one because I should be reading books instead" or whatever 6 year old version of my explanation would come out and make me look like a Pratt!).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/06/2022 15:27

Also he's only just 6- whether anyone can afford it or not it seems a hefty present for a 6yr old.

Amid · 21/06/2022 15:32

Ask your brother and don't mention money.

My mum used to buy all the gadgets.when the DC were younger as I couldn't afford it. Was never embarrassing because I didn't care where it came from as long as they were happy.

Cakecakecheese · 21/06/2022 15:33

Buy him a voucher for how much you normally spend or give the cash and say it's towards a Switch and other relatives can do the same?

Haribeau · 21/06/2022 15:37

Why not chip in with other family members, grandparents etc and make it a combined gift?

altiara · 21/06/2022 15:45

He’s 6! He’s not missing out!

What you could do is chat to his parents and see if they will allow it or when they will allow him to have something like this, so if it’s 7 or 8, you could say you’d love to put money towards it over the next couple of birthdays/Christmases. Then it’s not too flashy either.

Blowthemandown · 21/06/2022 15:47

MsSquiz · 21/06/2022 14:43

There's no way I'd buy someone else's child such an expensive gift without having spoken to them first.

They might not want him to have one
They might not be able to afford it
They might have told him they can't afford it but are getting it as a surprise

Plus, with things like a games console, you also need to factor in the expense of the games and additional items like headphones, etc

So, would I buy the Nintendo? Not without speaking to his parents first

Agreed

Gribbie · 21/06/2022 15:48

Could you offer to go shares with his parents on it? That way he gets it and they get to share with the giving.

TessBeth · 21/06/2022 15:48

I have a 6 year old.

One of my siblings is very wealthy and has bought my children expensive gifts in the past. They usually text me and say ‘DN has mentioned they’d like a xxxx, I’d love to get it for them, is that ok with you? No problem if not.’

I usually respond ‘Yes thanks, that’s really generous of you’ except when the potential gift was a TV for their bedroom (nice try DS).

It doesn’t need to be a massive deal. I’m not offended in the slightest - we’re all aware my sibling has more money than the rest of us.

RevoltingHumanHead · 21/06/2022 15:48

£300 seems excessively lavish for a 6 year old's birthday present to me. Even from parents.

Folklore9074 · 21/06/2022 15:57

The money thing could be an easy way for them to shut down the Switch convo with their kid. They may just not want him to have one for any number of reasons. Certainly speak to them before taking it further.

Ineedmysay · 21/06/2022 15:59

Absolutely ask, I know that if I was struggling financially and one of my
siblings wanted to buy one of my children a Nintendo switch, tablet whatever I would be delighted, and very grateful

SirenSays · 21/06/2022 15:59

If they have said no just because of the money, can you ask to chip in/ split the costs and do a joint present from the family.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 21/06/2022 16:02

Ask your bro if he wants to go halves? Or go halves with grandparents? Or split it 3 ways? Yes he only gets one present but it's a good one!!

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 21/06/2022 16:03

Unless you are also prepared to keep him with up tor the minute games it is pretty pointless anyway...

Ohmybod · 21/06/2022 16:07

I definitely wouldn’t! And I would be raging if a relative bought my DC such a present without discussing first. Gadgets/consoles etc all require a chat with parents first. It’s not just the money but this sort of presents creates all sorts of headaches for parents with regard to screen time and rules and care for such an expensive item….

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