To aim to put my baby to nursery at 12 months

[MD1803]

I have a 3 month old baby. I was at home with her until she was 2months old and now my husband is on shared parental leave. My aim is for her to go to nursery when she is around 12 months old but my husband is suggesting that she should stay at home longer. He has just been made redundant and will be receiving the minimum shared parental leave governmental rate as he is now, until the shared parental leave finishes, despite of the redundancy. He seem very keen not to return to work or possibly find a part time job. He is quite a bit older than me and I’m not sure how easy it will be for him to return to his current type of job if he starts with part time jobs in what ever area or even stays unemployed for extended period of time. Probably no need to mention that I earn more than him. Also I got pregnant before starting a new job hence I could only take short time off if we didn’t want to lose too much money. Of course I don’t want to put my baby to nursery too early if it was going to be detrimental to her but also feel the need to balance our future financial situation and life.

I was going to put mine into nursery at 11 months but it's looking like 13 now due to waiting times.

I know it's a balancing act between finances, the baby themselves and your needs/career, and it's obviously not a unilateral decision, but it has to be the right thing for you.

Nothing wrong with wanting to put them in a nursery so you can get back to work, lots of pros there: socialisation and good for the immune system (the first few months will be a new ailment every week), plus hopefully some normality for you and a financial boost (depending on your job); but then also nothing wrong with wanting more time with them at home for one on one bonding, if it's something you as a family can afford.

Anyone making you feel guilty either way can bugger off. They're not you and they don't get a say.

If your husband is keen on you staying at home then you do need to have a good long think about what that would mean further down the line career wise, if, I hate to say it, something happened that meant you could no longer rely on your partner financially. I trust mine implicitly but I'd be very wary of removing myself from the job market for a significant amount of time.

I'm so sorry, I misread that, I thought YOU'D been made redundant. Apologies. That might be a lot of waffle I just made, then

Nursery is good for babies, as is staying home if possible- the bigger issue here seems to be that he is using it as an excuse to opt out of working without a conversation and making you feel guilty about not immediately agreeing!
For what it's worth my son will be going 2 days a week from 11 months

Not sure what you're seeking advice on, but if it's 'is it too early to put a baby in nursery at 12 months' then the answer is no.

How confident is he he can get another job? Does he enjoy spending time with the baby on their own, will he enjoy it as much when they are a toddler and need more input and education, taking out for trips etc.

She's still a tiny baby at that age, she should be home as long as possible and you'll just have to manage your finances. Presumably you didn't have her for someone else to parent and raise her.

Nursery was great for my 1 year old. Lots of activities I could never do at home.

If he’d like to stay at home and do the majority of the parenting for a while is it not worth trying to make it work for a year?

So it sounds like your DH wants to take a step back from his career and maybe be a SAHD for a while? Nothing wrong with that if you as a couple can afford it. Nursery at 12 months is absolutely fine too, so these are both valid options. You need to have a proper conversation with him about longer term plans and finances etc.

Sounds like the best of both worlds - spme time at home with a part time working parent and some time at a childcare provision.

Nursery was great for my 1 year old. Lots of activities I could never do at home.

Having a main carer who they are securely attached to is far more beneficial than extra activities at that age.

mine went to nursery from 6 months because I had to go back to work and DH couldn't get time off. the baby will be fine with either nursery or dad-care or a mixture. So do whatever works for you & your family.

What's the matter with him going part time or a SAHD providing most of the childcare??
At 12 months nursery isn't more beneficial nor detrimental for babies. It's available if you need it. If there's a parent who wants to stay at home, it saves money for childcare.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Nothing wrong with nursery but if he wants to do it and you can afford it then why not have him stay at home? But it does need to be a proper open discussion including the long term implications

Depends on the baby. 12 months isn't a newborn no matter what emotive language some MumsNetters use and by then many really enjoy socialising with other children their age. And some don't, which should be taken into consideration.

How much will full time nursery cost vs how much his full time wage will bring in? This is what you need to look at. There's no point in him going back full time if nursery fees are more than his take home pay.

It does sound like it'd make more sense for him to be the SAHP, at least for a time especially with the cost of childcare.

Obviously not everyone can, but it is optimal to be with a main carer who they have a secure attachment with rather than being in nursery at that age.

criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

Evidence supports being cared for 1-to-1 (ideally by a parent) until at least age 2, preferably age 3. It is however a balance against the effect on career and household income so you need to decide between you what is the best thing for your family.

Nursery at 12 months is fine. You and your husband are still her parents and raising her. Him being a SAHD is also fine, if that’s what you both want. There’s some horribly emotive guilt tripping language on here regarding childcare.

I refused for DH to be a SAHD, I'm the main earner and I didn't want to risk him being the main carer should our marriage go wrong. Cynical perhaps but I don't want to find myself with him claiming to be the resident parent and eligible for spousal maintenance etc and me getting EOW contact.
There were other factors too - like DH is very socially introverted and I knew he wouldn't take DD anywhere. She benefits from nursery as an only child, he is more than capable of looking after her in terms of feeding, clothing, keeping safe etc but not for catering for her full development.

But I would tread carefully with one parent being at home and fully dependent on the other regardless of their sex. It places a huge strain on the one earning and can be very stressful for the one dependent too. DH is older than me and once DD is at school if he needed to do a different job or work part time then I'd be more open to that. But not for full time care for DD.

Oh my god you do get the working parent bashers out in force on these threads. Just the unnecessary judgement of 'what is best'.

What is best is what works for the family.

It's fine for your baby to go to nursery from 12 months. It's fine if it works for your family for your husband to be a stay at home parent. It sounds like you would prefer he didn't have extra time out of work though, in which case nursery is an excellent option.

I refused for DH to be a SAHD, I'm the main earner and I didn't want to risk him being the main carer should our marriage go wrong. Cynical perhaps but I don't want to find myself with him claiming to be the resident parent and eligible for spousal maintenance etc and me getting EOW contact.

That sounds like a really happy marriage based on a rock-solid foundation of mutual trust 😃

I never said anything about comparing the two. I simply stated my experience.